Here's the deal: I'm at a screening for Before the Devil Knows You're Dead -- which is directed by Sidney Lumet, so I'm all jazzed up for a gritty urban New York crime flick -- and all of a sudden, the opening scene is a nude Philip Seymour Hoffman boning Marisa Tomei on a bed. This scene goes on and on and I almost flee the theater screaming. I mean, I like Philip Seymour Hoffman. I think he's a terrific actor. I've seen him at the neighborhood market and he seems quite pleasant, but I don't want to have that image of his big, bare, flabby ass branded on my brain, and now every time I see him that's what I'm going to see. Why do filmmakers do that? I approve of nude scenes in movies. In fact, I think most stars should be humiliated by removing their clothes in front of the camera at least once. But then there are other actors who need to keep their clothes on. Even in the shower.
Here are my choices for top 10 worst nude film scenes:
Philip Seymour Hoffman, Before the Devil Knows You're Dead: If your life's desire is to see the crack of Capote's ass, then sure, this is the movie for you.
Donald Sutherland, Space Cowboys: In Space Cowboys (aka "Grumpy Old Astronauts"), four old old-school test pilots (Tommy Lee Jones, James Garner, Donald Sutherland and Clint Eastwood) suit up to repair an out-of-orbit satellite threatening to crash-land to earth. The flyboys are lined up nude for a physical and everyone except Sutherland's character cups his genitals when a lady doctor enters the room. That right there is the Wrong Stuff.
Kathy Bates, At Play in the Fields of the Lord: Oscar-winner Kathy Bates will forever be slammed for her nude hot-tub scene with Jack Nicholson in About Schmidt. But in At Play in the Fields of the Lord, set in Brazil's Amazon rain basin, Bates goes native by covering her naked body with mud and running around the jungle, which, believe me, was far more alarming.
John Gielgud, Prospero's Books: This wildly experimental, artful version of Shakespeare's The Tempest is visually beautiful and chock-full of male and female nudity (and even child cherubs pissing), but in one scene, when superb British actor John Gielgud (well-known for his turn as the wise and pithy butler in Arthur) rises up nude from a pool, the sight of his wrinkled body is enough to make you want to cry.
Julie Andrews, S.O.B.: In this acerbic comedy by Blake Edwards, the hills are alive with the sight of Maria's nipples.
RSS