So Chic, Very Chic: Fetch Me the Fuck Me Pumps

Ariana Grande said something poignant on the Zach Sang Show recently, prior to the release of Eternal Sunshine. When asked about the song “i wish i hated you,” she explains that sometimes there are no villains and two people find themselves unable to make it work regardless of the circumstances that surround them. “I’m happy to acknowledge the goodness, I really am, and the efforts, and that it just is not correct,” she tells Sang. “I don’t need to pretend you’re a monster to make peace with this ending.”

I’m happy that she has this sort of clarity about herself, in a time of her life when it feels increasingly difficult to experience any level of human friction not immediately graded on the scale of interpersonal abuse and conflict. It’s a lesson I wish the millennials on Bravo would learn for themselves, but they won’t. And that’s why the shows are good.

Summer House this season — and its flourishing cousin, Summer House: Martha’s Vineyard — finds itself failing to surmount this generational curse. Lindsay Hubbard and Carl Radke are two people destined, in every single lifetime, to break up. There are simply no iterations of these two, and no amount of therapy, that could shape them into people capable of loving each other completely (specifically Carl, whose demons seem to make a plaything of him while he sleeps). Lindsay’s own hellish cadre seems much bolder about frolicking to and fro while the sun's out.

Everyone can see how poorly fit together they are, even if the great struggle of humanity is the inability to be outside ourselves in the moment. Their resentment reverberates through this season, both inventing bafflingly complex reasons to hate each other, shaping their other half into the type of monster they can break up with.

Let’s see what they all wear in the process, shall we?

Summer House

Lindsay Hubbard

Lindsay, babe, be better than this. There is no need for these now weekly walks on the side of the road after screaming matches with the boyfriend that doesn’t like you in a shirred maxi dress with a halter neckline. Slip those little Valentino fuck me pumps on with the Paloma Wool dress I wish you’d ditch, and serve the cunt you were always destined to!

Now we’re getting somewhere! I’d assume this was filmed post-breakup with Carl Radke, and the glow up is evident. As a fellow recipient of breast enlargement, we paid for these to show them off! The dress is whatever, but most dresses that seek to imitate this silhouette are whatever. I also dig this pony moment for her, even if I think all ponies need a few tendrils and a relaxed fit to preserve that hairline just a bit.

Lindsay Hubbard, Paige Batula and Paige DeSorbo

If one is ever going through a tumultuous moment in their relationship, and finds themself in a polka-dot dress with a sweetheart neckline, pouring out their heart and soul to the girls they desperately want to be friends with ... STOP! Especially if one of those girls has a nameplate necklace and the other dresses like if Jackie Kennedy sold plastic clothing on Amazon Live. They are not your friends. They are your enemies — specifically these two.

Danielle Oliveira

One day, you’re a sexy fun millennial professional partying in the Hamptons every weekend. The next day, you’re at home in the office you’ve set up in your kitchen, dressed like a sexy millenial professional on a show about being a sexy fun millennial professional parting in the Hamptons every weekend. This is the curse of our generation, and as it is written, so it shall be.

West Wilson

Camo is having a moment this week on Bravo. Put a pin in that thought, but I’m pleasantly surprised to see a man in a novelty snapback and camo sweater get his nails done on Bravo. I mean that earnestly! West’s charms worked, as I predicted. I can’t wait to have a milkshake forcibly thrown at me now that I’ve admitted that.

Vanderpump Rules

Ariana Madix

Here comes Ariana in another Gaultier mesh dress, and I did actually gasp! This is the best she’s looked all season, and I’m a bit shaken that she opted for a messy bun. It works so well, and runs counter to the ultra-sleek vibe this dress usually elicits in its purchasers.

Lala Kent and Katie Maloney

It’s tough to see Ariana come through in a very good dress, only for editors to follow that up with Lala’s imitation dress. If it isn’t imitation, then Gaultier has a serious problem on its hands. (I don't want to come off too harsh, her similarly casual buns this season have actually changed my life!) Katie, meanwhile, is in what appears to be a faux-kimono type garment with a matching slip and bedazzled, knee-high sock heels. She’s never looked better, but I believe we've yet to fully plumb these fashion frontiers!

Lala Kent, Katie Maloney, Ariana Madix and Tom Sandoval

I’m including these for the closeups. Look how fantastic Ariana looks — I’m so happy! Then, in shambles ol' Tommy Sandoval and his chunky Prada loafers and open back tan suit with a white Alo yoga hat. The whiteout nail polish is the cherry on top of this shit sundae, and I’ll never forgive him for it.

Lala Kent

Elsewhere, Lala showed up to watch Tom Sandoval scream in a room with a therapist he found on Instagram. These Versace heels with a camo jacket are a delightful combo to me, I’m sorry. The look of horror on her face is also delightful. Before anything else, Lala Kent is an actress, and she delivered the best scenes of her career this episode.

Love and hatred are two sides of the same coin. I read that on a Snapple bottle once, or maybe Britney Spears’ Instagram story. The shirt itself is perplexing, let alone the ostrich feathers with the fingerless gloves and black undershirt. What’s going on? We’re in a crisis, and Lala Kent is on her way to make it worse!

Scheana Marie

Dresses with hardware are back in a big way on Bravo! I loathe this garment more than I can put into words. However, it's interesting to see the downline fashion of various cast members contrasted against the Valentino and Gaultier and whatnot. What an interesting time to wear clothes on reality television! That said, it’s not all bad. Scheana’s glam team has really struck gold with her mugs and hair this season.

A Lady Named Jo

Anyway, here’s how “spooky” Jo spent the episode. Prayers up for our fallen diva!

Summer House: Martha’s Vineyard

Summer House: Martha’s Vineyard is back! In honor of the premiere, here’s a supersized fashion investigation, which I likely won’t have the energy for each episode. We’ll see, though!

Shanice Henderson

It's wild how wearing red on Bravo has become synonymous with Ariana Madix. It’s a testament to the efforts of her team to essentially brand that look forever, no matter the franchise. This effect bled into Summer House, Southern Charm, and now the offshoot of the former, Summer House: Martha’s Vineyard. Shanice looks beautiful, but these red cutouts have slightly lost the plot.

Preston Mitchum

We finally have a messy, hot, fun queen on our millennial Bravo programs! Here’s Preston, who blows the other men out of the water with his fashion sensibilities. (Note: It isn’t very hard.) This color with an animal print something or other is a tried and true look, and he wears it well.

This Pleats Please-esque top with the painted nails and jewels and beanie? Perfect. The silly little glasses inside made me giggle, because of course the gay guy would wear some silly little glasses inside. That said, I want my new friend to accept the baldness, even if just once in a while. We don’t always need a hat, but I understand the impulse and support Preston anyway.

Jordan Emanuel

I love this look, even if the dress is a bit awkward in the way it fits around the bust. Or, these kids have yet to learn that you need to pull the dress down before filming the confessionals! No bunching on camera, please. But this makeup is so buttery smooth, and that’s the correct number of necklaces.

Likewise, this color is fabulous. It’s nice to see someone understand the color story they should explore. However, it falls into the trap of being a relatively thin fabric with a too-dark bra underneath. With how opaque the dress is, I don’t think the exposed bra is intentional. Let’s invest in nudes, ladies! These fashion retailers will ruin our very good outfits otherwise.

Amir Lancaster

God, Amir is so hot. I just had to say it. Mostly, I’m interested in this zip-up shirt because it’s just about all the men on Bravo wear anymore. It reads, as always, as an attempt to re-litigate the rather narrow framework of menswear without doing much that's new.

Noelle Hughley

I’ve railed on these corset dresses in the past, but this one is glam. Sorry! I’m not going to apologize for being wildly hypocritical week-to-week, especially when I’m shown something this shade of orange with this specific neckline. What a breakthrough first confessional look! I’ve got high expectations for this one.

Bria Fleming

I gasped when this gorgeous little pink number popped onto my television. Ostensibly, it’s a badly fitted dress. Conversely, nobody has ever looked more beautiful on television! That duality is why I love this network and its stable of fame-hungry wannabes. My eyes have been cast elsewhere as of late, and I lost the connective thread between the runways and the proliferation of this mini-dress with this specific neckline. Think back to Amanda and Ciara on Summer House, who’ve worn similar garments, as well as the various cast members of The Real Housewives C-suite. DM us on Instagram if you know what designer caused this silk adjacent explosion!

Photos courtesy of Bravo/ NBCUniversal