So Chic, Very Chic: What’s the Worst Thing in the World?
BYJoan SummersApr 04, 2024
This is So Chic, Very Chic,PAPER’s examination of Bravo’s sprawling cohort of fashion obsessives. From haute couture to TJ Maxx, they’ve literally worn it all. Sometimes they stunt, sometimes they turn the look, and sometimes they burn holes in retinas my ophthalmologist says might never heal.
Here’s something that was said on The Valley this week, unironically: “It is the worst thing in the world to be labeled as anything, let alone a racist.” The statement itself is categorically untrue; it’s a laughable misinterpretation of the events that lead to castmates like Jax, Brittany, Kristen and Stassi to be fired in the first place, kickstarting a wave of revelations at Bravo that still have not ceased some four years later.
Because I am a generous person, though, and carry with me a servant’s heart — thank my third grade teacher for that one — I’ve helpfully compiled a list of equally silly and untrue things to say on the internet.
Personally, it is the worst thing in the world that could happen when my Max subscription fails to renew in the middle of watching Curb Your Enthusiasm. I was just about to get to the part where Larry David gets a drink thrown on him by a woman he’s offended, obviously over a mix-up involving misogynistic epithets and some dicks drawn on a billboard over Sunset for a kaftan website. It is also the worst thing in the world that could happen when the corner store is out of soy milk, and so I have to settle for a gallon of almond milk instead. I pay, and run into the guy who ghosted me after I gave him a handy on his deflated air mattress for 20 minutes because he was on antidepressants. We do a line dance around each other and keep our eyes glued to the floor.
It is, finally, the worst thing in the world to sit down and turn on The Valley, where I am greeted with a plotline about how being called a racist by people on the internet is seemingly worse than the experience these people’s racism affected in the first place.
Let’s see what they wore this week to deliver such befuddling admissions of guilt. Shall we?
The Valley
Kristen Doute
Oh, Kristen. Kristen, Kristen, Kristen. This look is a step up from the oddly colored slip with lace trim the other week but not by much! At least her hair is brushed, but the under-eye black liner is back, alongside the lip gloss.
Another thing that is also the worst thing in the world: wearing thigh-high boots like Kristen here to an open air mall in the Valley in the dead of summer. Your thighs get all sweaty, and you run the risk of a foot fungus. At least the dress shirt is accurate to Angeleno culture, as well as those dangly necklaces and wayfarers I may or may not have had myself at one point.
If there’s one thing we can count on Kristen to do, though, it’s sit on the floor in her Birkenstocks, carpal tunnel wrist brace and human flesh colored leggings, surrounded by deconstructed Ikea furniture in her new apartment with a man she’s been dating for about as much time as you’d expect.
Michelle Saniei Lally
Michelle here hosted a Capri-themed dinner at a house that cost more than the lifetime earnings of every single person reading this column. She also, if the cast mates on this show are to be believed, advocated for “Don’t Say Gay” bills behind closed doors. Holding both those facts in mind, the dress gives less Capri, and more "Dorit Kemsley’s Capri Room at the Buca di Beppo in Encino."
Summer House: Martha’s Vineyard
Bria Fleming
Again, has there ever been a more beautiful woman on television? I literally don’t think so. Likewise, opposed to last week’s silk something, I quite like this yellow! I think the floral appliqués are a bit busy, or need some room to breathe. Pulling the hair back slightly, or bringing it up, would have allowed this dress to be the statement she wanted out of it. Still! I commend the effort.
Alex Tyree
The men across Bravo are exploring sweaters in a big way this year. Here’s Alex in a hideously pastel number — just light enough to not throw the camera sensors out of whack, but just bright enough for me to recoil slightly at the sight of it. I’m still not sold on sweater drawstrings in confessionals just yet, but I’m keeping an open mind.
Summer Marie Thomas
My eyes lit up when this look rolled onto the screen. I mean that earnestly, and with the sincerity of a heart that was truly moved. Maybe it's all that country music in the air, or maybe it’s my own need to find something to cling onto this episode, but I love Summer’s vibe! Sure, I have about two more episodes before I grow weary of the Alex hookup plot, but I do pray more castmates come strolling into the confessional with a hat and a teensy little bikini top.
Vanderpump Rules
Ariana Madix
I want to give credit where credit is due. Not only has Ariana never looked more radiant in her entire time on television, but this hair color on her is exquisite. Her entire look felt a bit too fresh, if that makes sense, at the beginning of the season, but she’s settled into it perfectly. I also felt slightly envious of this sweater. Somebody shoot me the brand’s info.
I’m generally unnerved by the tidal wave of misogynistic vitriol aimed at Ariana after Tuesday’s episode, mainly because we live in a deeply sick society that thinks a woman’s anger invalidates the source of that anger. Regardless, this is how to dress when verbally destroying the narcissistic male manipulator who blew up your relationship for fun.
Lala Kent
I generally have had a favorable opinion about Lala early in this season, because I am someone who'll give a woman with a troubled relationship history the benefit of the doubt. But Lauren from Utah is back in a big way this last half of the summer. The same Lauren from Utah that claimed the spirit of Tupac had possessed her after he died, after which she developed that blaccent she weaponizes so freely at times. Everything about this outfit is silly, as is Lala’s jealous rage at Ariana’s success from the show. At least she’s dressing the part, like a white girl misguidedly sent to Dr. Phil by her parent’s to straighten out her back talk.
Katie Maloney
Sometimes Katie Maloney wears a jean vest and flashes me her leopard print wrist tattoo. I can’t look away, even if I wanted to. There’s something darkly compelling about her look this week, for all its obviously troublesome choices. I just think more women should wear jean vests and cut their hair real short and kiss girls! Sue me!
Tom Sandoval
The scariest thing about Tom Sandoval is that he knows what he dresses like and loves it. He spends more time in the mirror than Narcissus himself. Except this time, there’s no angry goddess waiting in the wings to curse this sorry bastard for his crimes against women. Were I to have a say in that divine punishment, I’d also add his sweater vests and candy necklaces to the mix, which should be a crime in and of themselves. The man simultaneously dresses like an 80 year old chain-smoking poker addict at the Morongo Casino Resort and Spa and a teenager addicted to TikTok on vacation at the same resort.
Scheana Marie
I’d be remiss not to mention that Scheana, once again, stepped out in her Y2K sunglasses. At least she didn’t wear them inside this episode!
Summer House
Kyle Cooke and Lindsay Hubbard
There’s nothing quite like a 40-something man and a former publicist in a boob cutout top tucked into straight leg jeans hashing out their issues at a “Christmas in July” party somewhere in Montauk. Summer House is a show that contains multitudes, most of which are shared between these two hopeless-in-love individuals. (That said, Lindsay, they could never make me hate you!)
Paige DeSorbo
Last week I said Paige looked like Jackie Kennedy, which was probably a bit harsh. I’d like to make it up to her this week by offering the highest compliments I could possibly give for her outfit to the race car party this week! She has, and I mean this sincerely, never looked better. The hair is right, the fit is right, the glam is right, the jewelry is right. I’m even accepting of the white nail polish, and I’m never accepting of white nail polish! Kudos.
West Wilson
I’m burying this at the end so only those who’ve made it this far can witness my shame: West’s entire schtick has worked on me in a way that was entirely predictable. No wonder Ciara seems so smitten with him! If not, she’s an incredible actress, and I’m still ashamed!
Photos courtesy of Bravo/ NBCUniversal
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