'The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City' Are a Greek Tragedy

In ancient times, a Grecian woman of myth named Electra murders Clytemnestra alongside her brother, Orestes. In more ancient times, Clytemnestra, consumed by hatred over the ritual sacrifice of her daughter Iphigenia, murders her husband, Agamemnon. In modern times, a woman named Angie Katsanevas is born to Greek immigrants in Salt Lake City, Utah. In more modern times, she names her daughter Electra.

Such is the cycles of Greek myth, as they fade to legend, then the tragedies teenagers gloss over in fourth period, and then the anecdotes writers named Joan Summers use for dramatic effect in fashion columns about what The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City wore to Greece on vacation. Woman turns on woman, Whitney Rose raises blade against Meredith Marks, the specter of the sea serpent looms offshore, Heather of Utah finds herself cursed with the gift of prophecy, the Trojan Horse named Britani Bateman finds herself stuffed with soldiers from the Osmond family. These are the stories that Sophocles told himself in order to live, and now we repeat them, so we can live too.

It comforts me, some small measure, to think of Bravo like the contemporary orations of the Greek tragedians. Over and over again, the great wheel of time spins out these stories through the ages. Woman against woman, man against wife, daughter against mother, Housewife against the very Gods themselves. I can't see into the past like Sophocles, but if I could, I bet Electra was wearing Clytemnestra's favorite Versace dress when she stabbed her right through the heart.

Shall we talk about what her modern counterpart wore, too?

The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City

Angie Katsanevas

Angie Katsanevas is the most beautiful woman alive. I say this because I've met her, and so I would know. I also say this because she can actually dress, unlike the majority of this cast. This look is gorgeous, from the dress to the nails to the glam. I love these waterfall earrings, and the drama they play on with this matching cascade of hair. I'd have liked to see more hair piled up, or had the bun be lower. As it stands, the slight peak of a hair mound over the top of her head gives it an unnecessary asymmetry, which would be my only criticism.

Similarly, there's a world where this dress overwhelms, but the chicness of her styling helps ground it in her natural beauty. I hate how overplayed this specific descriptor is, but she's the spitting image of a Greek Audrey Hepburn.

Kudos, Ang! Sending you love from PAPER.

Britani Bateman

I've spoken quite frequently about the idea of the "embodied dresser." That is, the woman that is fully expressed through her clothing choices. Like a pot that has found its perfect lid. Britani Bateman, love or hate her, is one of the few embodied dressers on this cast, alongside Angie and Whitney. I find just about everything concerning this look a hideous affront to fashion, but its hard to deny that at the very least, it looks like it was made with her in mind. That's a hard feat to accomplish, even in the realm of sheer tackiness. Props to you, Brit! With all the love in my heart, I hope I never see this dress again.

Heather Gay

On the topic of dresses I'd like to never see again, there's not much to say about this that doesnt' immediately spring to mind of everyone who beholds it. She's like a background character in a bad fantasy movie about teens that discover their parents are Greek gods. She looks like if Clytemnestra had a Lifetime Original Movie, or Spirit Halloween had a costume billed as "Evil Stepmother in Play."

Lisa Barlow

Lisa Barlow is back in black! Despite the mundanity of the look, it's nice to see she's fixed her glam. The hair has never been shinier, the tan has never been tanner, the nails have never been nuder, and those eyelashes have never been more symmetrical. The eyebrows are still cousins, but at least her hair is still shiny!

Bronwyn Newport

Bronwyn occasionally pops up on television in a color that modern camera technology still struggles to capture. It doesn't help that her living room is filled with similar colors, lending each confessional a funhouse quality that seems ripped right from that straight-to-cable It prequel series. Not that she looks like a killer clown — obviously not! But she does live in the sort of house a kid might find themselves trapped in when running from a killer clown.

Also, bring back the bob, Bronwyn! I found myself wondering what it might look like for her to install some bundles, but I'm already missing the bob. Bring it back!

Much better. Not this outfit, of course. While my distaste should be obvious, I do appreciate that I can always count on Bronwyn to dress like the kind of parent chaperone a gay teenager in Minnesota would feel comfortable coming out too at the annual harvest festival.

Did Meredith Marks fire a stylist? Did Meredith Marks hire a stylist? Did Meredith Marks primary residence in New York City burn down? Did Meredith Marks rental home in Salt Lake City slide off the side of a ski slope? Everything she's worn this season has been off in a way I cannot quite put my finger on. It's just off, like her general disposition this season. Still, this shade of blue suits her nicely!

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Kyle Richards

I am going to be brave and say that this is the best that Kyle Richards has ever looked in her 15 years as the star of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. She looks hot beyond belief, in ways I frankly did not think her capable of. I love this suit, and I love that she wore this suit during the episode in which she revealed to Erika (and the viewers) that she did in fact date a woman. Sure, she never actually said that, but Real Housewives fans notoriously cannot pick up on clues and subtext. Kyle Richards dated a woman, and she delivered the news in a suit. Not only that, but she embellished the tie with broaches and left fashion columnist Joan Summers wowed out of words.

Sutton Stracke

I like when Sutton shows cleavage. I like when Sutton does severe glamour. I like when Sutton wears a blazer on a date or in a confessional. I love when Sutton wears earrings that double as weapons, should her cold war with Erika escalate to all out violence.

Erika Girardi

Erika Jayne exclusively delivers news about her million lawsuits in outfits that make her look like a Persona character. Erika Jayne exclusively delivers news about her million lawsuits in outfits that Violet Chachki wore during her Crazy Horse residency in Paris. Erika Jayne exclusively delivers news about her million lawsuits in outfits she stole off a background character in the season finale of I Love LA season one at a fashion party Jordan Firstman's character accidentally shit all over the floor at.

Bozoma Saint John

I can always count on Bozoma to wear something larger than life, like this top, or these earrings, or this headband! The shock of white is lovely, as is the red lip. The earrings don't really work for me, but at least she wore something. At least she wore something!

Amanda Frances

Amanda Frances really wants me to think she is rich. Not just rich, but a maestro of money that shits bricks of gold and wipes her ass with Benjamins. She has not figured out how to dress the part just yet, and I do not think she ever will. A woman in a coral red lip with too much bronzer cannot figure out such things on their own, hence the bronzer and coral red lip.

Speaking of coral red lips, Jennifer Tilly knows to put the bronzer down and let her features shine. This dress costs more than I will ever make in my life and the butterflies visited me in a dream last night. As did she, now that I think about it. She hosted a dinner party with friends where we painted gay models who took their clothes off and flashed us their penises. Actually, I think I'm just remembering the most recent episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

The Real Housewives of Potomac

Tia Glover

Is that supposed to be a chicken on her top? Is her top made of mesh with a modernist chicken applique? Did this woman really wear a chicken in the confessional booth?

Wendy Osefo

Wendy Osefo might have been arrested. Wendy Osefo might have been charged with fraud. Wendy Osefo might have investigators beating down her block to triple check her credit card transactions. Wendy Osefo might be preparing for court. But Wendy Osefo does not look bad on television! The dress might be slightly cheap, and made of stretch fabric. But Wendy Osefo does not look bad on television! In fact, Wendy Osefo looks like a total glamorpuss on television — I just hope none of these jewels were stolen in the robbery.

Stacey Rusch

There's something menacing about this dress, eh? Maybe it's the lack of color in her makeup, or the boob prison she's trapped her ta-tas in. Maybe it's the white nail or the high collar. It's just very menacing! I want to look at it less, so I'm wrapping things up for the week. Goodbye to this dress, which I'm sure a gentleman's club dancer wore in a movie where she actually has a heart of gold and a kid sister she takes care of after their parent's died in 9/11 or a tsunami. Whichever was sadder when the movie came out.

Images courtesy of Bravo/NBC Universal