'The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City' Needs a Time Out

Since when did every Bravo fan talk like that? You know, the sort of thing that makes a person sound like: "​Me when I'm the Tate McRae endings factory that makes you old and chopped and Heather Gay."

Not that fans of The Real Housewives have ever been immune to the comings and goings of internet slang. There just used to be a sense of decorum about things; these days, the best one can expect when logging onto social media is an inflamed post demanding that Whitney Rose get strapped to a rocket and fired at Beauty Lab and Laser. Weird, right? I thought this was a classy party.

Maybe it's that the toddlers who run this pre-school are incensed that the season finale didn't deliver the "receipts, proof, timeline, screenshots" they wanted to vindicate Meredith Marks or oust Heather Gay from polite society. No, the reality of things is much more dismal, and none of these angry pre-schoolers have the self-awareness yet to see they're part of the problem.

Following the groundbreaking success of the first few seasons, and the outlandishly quirky personalities of its cast, various new-era The Real Housewives franchises attracted a particularly online, particularly meme obsessed cabal of "Stan Twitter" outcasts. Along with the true crime obsessives that found out about Jen Shah, they propelled the show into the stratosphere of reality TV. It was perfect fodder not just for fancams about cult leaders and Angie K, but for podcasts that spend most of their time reading recaps of Wikipedia articles about women who were murdered in the 1970s.

They made for rather dreary company, all things considered, but the effects on the shows popularity are undeniable.

This newfound cohort peaked the interest of producers on the show, who began to obviously engineer seasons to cater exclusively to their tastes and desires. They constructed entire plot lines around the puzzle box mystery of Heather Gay's black eye, or cast known fan Monica (AKA RealityVonTease) and aimed the single mom directly at her new coworkers.The stakes were repeatedly heightened, season after season, until the traumatized lot of former and current Mormons could barely sit in a room for five minutes without screaming, crying or channeling demons.

Parties and events became less about the social atmosphere, and more about constructing a Saw trap where some unlucky woman had to be sacrificed before the rest got dismembered in a life-size snow globe. The most recent season finale was the prime example of the brutality this show now relies on. Early in their "cast trip," the women secretly met with a Greek playwright and told her all their secrets. At the finale proper, she staged an eviscerating reading of this rolodex of insecurities, mirroring almost exactly a similar game from the last season finale. There, at a resort, the women sat down at dinner and read the worst text messages they've ever sent about another person.

What will they do next? Make them stand up at the Las Culturistas Culture Awards, strip their clothes off and reveal the worst things ever said about them on their naked bodies, written in sharpie like a bad NoH8 campaign?

I'm sick of it. I'm sick of the visible effect of the internet on this show, I'm sick of the tornado of chaos it has devolved into, I'm sick of the way these women are treated like Sims and not real people. Put them all in time out, fans included! In the meantime, I have some clothes to write about. Shall we?

The Real Housewives of Potomac

Monique Samuels

Monique is dressed like an evil sorceress in a Final Fantasy game. Monique is dressed like the opera diva in the Fifth Element. Monique is dressed like a Tekken character. Monique is dressed like the queen in a bad Game of Thrones spinoff. Monique is dressed better than any The Real Housewives star has ever been dressed. The look is absurd, garish, strange even. It is likewise beautiful in a sickly way. Her makeup looks incredible, the pop of red is almost grotesque, awe-inspiring in its severity. I was genuinely struck by this! Kudos.

Monique also stunned at her book launch in this co-ordinated bustier, which matched the cover of her self-help memoir. Earlier in the season, I commented on her crunchy-granola daytime looks, which makes this all the more stunning. She's been in sweatpants, and she's looked like this. I say bring her back, essential oils and all!

Wendy Osefo

I've also waxed poetic on the gradual evolution of Wendy's style this season, amid her arrest and looming fraud trial. Early on, she was far too reliant on statement pieces and architectural necklines and ostentatious appliqués. This is much more what I want to see from her, ostrich feathers notwithstanding.

That said, her rings remind me of that now canon comment Naomi Smalls made about too-big rings on drag queens. See below for scripture:

I like her looks back in the real world, pre-arrest, significantly less. She's been on what can only be described as a "grown Elle Woods wave" this entire season, between last week's heart cutout dress and this oversized collar. Beautiful, certainly, but just so silly too! And the white headband! Not a white headband.

This Lady

Every time Angel debuts a new confessional look, it becomes clearer and clearer she neither wants to be on this show or knows how to be on this show. The woman just looks so uncomfortable in this chair, talking in circles and saying nonsense. It's odd that the women have been so fixated on Stacey's very funny white lies all season when I have only caught half a truth out of Angel's mouth in the last few episodes.

Beautiful red dress though! I could have done without the fur.

Gizelle Bryant

Gizelle deserves credit each week for really putting herself out there and going for it. Despite my hangups on the weird gathering at the bust, or this bedazzled strap —see basically every recap of The Real Housewives of Orange County in 2025 — I somewhat like this! More than most of her looks, that's for sure. The hair is beautiful and her makeup looks great, even if she's often far too heavy around the eyes. I think a softer lash and liner might have the intended effect they're going for with the opposite. Just try it, please!

The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City

Heather Gay

Of all the looks at the finale, I found Heather's the funniest. Of all the women, who looked in costume, this looked like something Gay might actually have in her closet. She also looks like Reese Witherspoon's character from Big Little Lies after that one episode.

Jokes aside, isn't it odd to have a stark-raving drunk shouting down a cast full of women about another's supposed drinking problems?

Not This Again

Like in the season finale where Monica was exposed, Heather and Whitney tried to recreate the iconic shot. It did not work, and I appreciate that Angie didn't play along despite the combined theatrics of Heather, Whitney and Britani. Also, hi Angie! You look beautiful here — the hair is like glass.

Meredith Marks and Baby Gorgeous

Meredith's commitment to leather sets and Baby Gorgeous' commitment to jumpsuits should be studied in a lab. Their friendship should also be studied in a lab, because the chemistry between them could probably power a nuclear reactor.

Some Greek Women

Everyone wave goodbye to another promising-yet-unfulfilled season of The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City!

Images courtesy of Bravo/NBC Universal

Graphic design by Jewel Baek