Please Don't Make Us Watch 'Southern Charm' Anymore

Please don't make me watch Southern Charm anymore. I really don't want to watch Southern Charm anymore.

In no particular order, to support this desperate plea, I've compiled a list of things that have happened on this season of Southern Charm. I have not listed them in order of importance or absurdity, because doing so would be a task as impossible as dating Craig Conover, let alone having to be in a room with him for more than a few minutes.

Here we go: Salley bought chickens because she got drunk in Craig's hot tub after midnight. Whitney wore a Vietnam veteran hat that instead said: "Erewhon Veteran." Craig did therapy with ChatGPT and it affirmed his narcissistic delusions of grandeur. Some gay guys got engaged but they only invited heterosexual situationships to the party. Madison got a side part.

That's about it really. I don't want to watch it anymore! Instead, I want to make fun of their fashions, which is the only benefit I derive from sitting in front of my television and watching Craig Conover humiliate women for money. Shall we talk about Madison's side part?

Southern Charm

An Erewhon Veteran

Whitney, a producer on this show, mostly hangs around to act like a creep-azoid and claim territory over women he's slept with in the off season. Between these two grueling duties, he occasionally rocks up to film scenes in statement accessories that can only be bought when you're a trust fund kid who's long outgrown the diapers. His latest find is this "Erewhon Veteran" hat, which is oddly apolitical in the worst ways. It doesn't scream classic conservative, as there's a reverence for the original object that would get most people's shit rocked. It also doesn't read liberal either, for similar reasons.

Instead, I think there's something worse and more evil at play. Imagine all the podcasts I could list here, and then let's all steal his girlfriend's phone just to check whether she subscribes.

This Lady

Who is Patricia in this world, really, besides a classic Southern misogynist who's only real pleasure in life is coddling the aforementioned trust fund kid shitting in his too-small diapers. Her house decor feels racist (feels might be too generous) and her clothing is tacky in the way Bridgerton costume parties are tacky. I've had enough of her!

I do like that color blue though! Just not on her.

Salley Carson

Salley's changed up her look this season, which is for the best and for the worst. Her makeup has gone in the wrong direction while her hair has completely transformed for the better. This brunette is just stellar on her, and once we figure out the shape of this eye makeup, I think she'll have a successful run of glam looks!

Sadly, the compliments stop there. The stretch dress seen above evokes literally zero reaction from me. I've looked away and already forgotten what we're talking about.

Madison LeCroy

Do I like this deep side bang on Madison? No. Do I like everything Madison has on? Also no! But there's also nothing Madison can do wrong, either, and if there was a single reason to still watch this show, it'd be her and her hot husband. The dress is fun and the makeup is serviceable. Being pregnant, I'd say she excelled at everything she put her mind too here, even if I'm generally over the bows, and this is no exception.

Charley Manley

What exactly is this dress reminding me of? She's like if the Princess of Monaco, Grace Kelly, instead became an Instagram influencer. Something tells me she would have, if given the chance. Despite the cheap fit of the stretch fabric, I like the wisp of fabric around the neck, and the color of the dress, and even the warmth of her makeup! It's just too bad she seems smitten with Craig. What was it Venita told Salley when she was simultaneously pursuing Craig? "He'll walk you like a dog until he's bored of you."

Charley, if you're listening, just make sure you take off the potential leash before you see him next time!

Any positive feelings evaporated when this black something-or-other shrugged its way onscreen. Her face here says it all, so let's take the look in one last time and then never talk about it again!

The Real Housewives of Potomac

Keiarna Stewart

Much like the rest of this season, I cannot remember if I've already written about this rope dress on Keiarna. If I have, I apologize, for it is one of the few bright spots in a sea of misbegotten confessional looks that induce every negative emotion I am capable of. This color is just gorgeous on her, as is the delicate nude of her eyeshadow and these chunky brown bangles!

Jassi Rideaux

Can somebody please explain to me what I'm looking at? I can't tell if it's a bird or a plane, but what I can tell I that there seems to be a blouse with a tie neck and fur sleeves. Work, I guess! The color is gorgeous, although she is completely swallowed by it. The hair likewise drowns out her features, a problem which would have been helped by a slightly shorter bang or more volume in the updo.

I want to like it, really! She's dressed like a secretary Joan would have beefed with on Mad Men, in my own version of the show. Love and light, Jassi!

Ashley Darby

Here comes Ashley Darby to spoil my good time. At least she put on her good Balmain fit to piss me off!

Vanderpump Rules

Lady Vanderpump

A toast to the weekend! A toast to silly floral hats! A toast to prolonged episodes of Vanderpump Rules where the primary plot point is OnlyFans "cousin incest," somehow. Cheers!

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Images courtesy of Bravo/NBC Universal