This is So Chic, Very Chic, PAPER’s examination of Bravo’s sprawling cohort of fashion obsessives. From haute couture to TJ Maxx, they’ve literally worn it all. Sometimes they stunt, occasionally they turn the look, and most other times, they at least give us something to talk about.
I've been having dreams recently.
In them, I'm back working at a coffee shop. Meredith Marks comes through the door. Sometimes it's Vicki Gunvalson in the door, other times it's Teresa Giudice. She orders a flat white, and I have to clarify if they want that the Starbucks way or otherwise. She gets annoyed, and asks if a flat white really needs a college degree to understand. I start to sweat, and she asks me again for a flat white with extra foam. I sweat more, realizing she wants a cappuccino, not a flat white, and I open my mouth.
She interrupts by reaching her hand into the Birkin she'd slammed onto the table and pulling out a pistol. I choke, and she fires a clip into the ceiling, the beaded tassels on her Balmain blazer clicking slightly from the reverberation. She asks again for a flat white, setting the pistol down gently between us. I'm now sweating so hard that I can't grip the frother, and the espresso cup drops to the ground, staring the Adidas superstars I wore a lot back then in 2014.
Meredith, Vicki, and Teresa hurl the tip jar at the wall and ask for another flat white. Suddenly, everyone in the coffee shop is a Real Housewives star, and they're all looking at me, and they all want a flat white. They're getting up from their chairs now, chanting, circling the barista counter: "Flat white. Flat white. Flat white. Flat white. Flat white."
Suddenly a car crashes through the front of the store. It's a Lexus, and I know instinctually because it's a dream that it's rented. Britani Bateman steps out from the driver's side door, a Labubu keychain dangling from the phone at her ear. She's chattering to someone named Jared on the phone, unaware that she's covered in blood and has just crashed her car through a building.
The Merediths and Teresas and Vickis part as she approaches the counter. Seeing the gun, she picks up it, and says, "Wow, Jared-bear, I just found a gun. Cool, right? Ok, love you." She puts the phone down and looks at our menu for a moment, pistol still in hand. Then she looks at me, and asks, "Can I have a caramel macchiato?"
I wake up screaming. Then, I pick myself out of bed and trudge towards my desk, where I write this very column. Shall we talk about what they wore now?
The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City
Bronwyn Newport
Bronwyn wokę up on a boat this week. She did not want to be on this boat, and would have rather woken up in a normal place, like a bed, or a planet where Britani Bateman and Lisa Barlow do not exist. But well behaved women rarely get their way, so off Bronwyn went to the poop deck to sleep with the fishes. The garb she chose for this funeral march was a matching set of lemon pajamas that I'm sure get an exuberant huff from ol' Todd every time he sees them. I love their love, and the way she seemingly has to stay dressed like an amusement park attraction to keep his attention. I bet it reminded her of home, those lemon pajamas.
The robe and glasses she changed into once the crew had shaken her awake with the brushes they scrub the deck with was much more expected, and utilitarian. Leave it to Bronwyn to pack a phantasmagoria of colors for just about every occasion. Drop the Saks link, sister, I might pick one up for myself!
Sadly, the warm feelings I'd begun to develop towards Bronwyn's wardrobe this week did not last very long. I laid my eyes on this Louis Vuitton bathing suit and had to actually leave the room. I took a walk, and frankly, kept waking. My family's been searching for me all day and night, but they don't know that I'm just tucked away in the Korean spot down the street, working my way through a bibimbap bowl and figuring out how to not destroy my professional, working relationship with Bravo over my feelings about this bathing suit.
Thankfully, she changed again, and I found myself back in the imagined good graces of Daddy Andy. The dress she wore to the "zombie" dinner was genuinely stunning — more stunning than most things she's worn this season. What good colors on you, Miss Newport!
Angie Katsanevas
While Bronwyn did a magic trick with her frocks and lemons and brand logos, Angie trawled around in a seahorse costume, bumping into things and getting blood everywhere.
Mary Cosby
I've mostly been a fan of Mary's big swings this season — and readers, you will know she's taken some big swings. This is her biggest, and her simultaneously least successful. It's just the wrong shade of everything. It's too big, it's too orange, it's too pink, it's too much mesh, it's too many accessories, it's too much hair, and it's certainly too much nude lipstick. Something has to go, usually, but here, I'm throwing the baby out with the bathwater.
I mostly included this because I wanted everyone else to see, and be reminded of, Mary's extremely large knit Fendi hat she wore on the beach. It seemed to have a life of its own while she tussled with Mary, and I found myself more transfixed by the hat than anything going on in their perpetually confusing feud.
Heather Gay
This is not Heather Gay's color. This is also not Heather Gay's lip shade. Frankly, I'm not quite convinced this is Heather Gay's lash length either. Altogether, I'm terrorized about as much as the staff on the yacht were whenever this lady got more than a single drink in her.
Britani Bateman
Britani becomes almost a different person on the open ocean. It's like an ancestral knowledge from Atlantis awakens inside her, and she becomes a mistress of the ship, a woman who's also a mermaid, a siren of theseas. Doesn't this look give: "I've got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty/ I've got whozits and whatzits galore."
The Real Housewives of Potomac
This still captures the vibe of the fashion sensibilities of the cast perfectly. Gizelle is dressed like a child, Keiarna is wrapped in mesh, Stacey is dressed like a QVC host and Ashley Darby is wearing Mary Cosby's dress. Is it literally her dress though? Unclear, but it does look like her dress. It's funny sure, but it also read to me like an omen that the next rich old man Darby will trap is a mega-church pastor and/or her step-grandfather.
Wendy Oswego
Wendy was just out of frame in the above shot, wearing nautical ropes in all sorts of confusing places. I do not like this top, like most tops I've seen on this show, but her commitment to weird fashion items in the color blue is commendable, even admirable. (Remember that sweater from last season?)
Ashley Darby
Ashley Darby is every woman, and they're all inside her. Truly! I like that she can change her entire look about as easily most people change their shoes. One minute she's in this racy little black number and the next she's dressed like a jellyfish. Everywhere she goes, there she is.
Jassi Rideaux
As this is a vacation episode, don't expect much fashion from either group. But I did find myself struck by these conch earrings, which have continued to strike me over and over again the past week. Ouch, Jassi, that hurts! Quick swinging your head around, they're very sharp.
Thankfully, she hit it out the park with her second confessional look this season. It seems she's chosen sparkles as the recurring motif across her heightened looks, and I'm not upset by it! The orchid-like trumpeting around the bust is just beautiful, as is her glam. I think her team could have worked some oomph into the styling of her hair, but on a show bereft of glamour this week, I'll take what I can get!
Angel Massie
And now, a carousel of the emerging sunglasses trend we can expect to be everywhere over the next year: weird wires and lots of lens!
Stacey Rusch
I thought I'd end the column this week with Stacey's sext to her ex-but-not-ex-husband, which simply read: "Sex with me!" Nobody got her vision, which is sad, because there's literally a Rihanna song about just that.
Images courtesy of Bravo/NBC Universal
