‘The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City’ Are Crashing Out

When was the last time you crashed out?

I’m normally calm these days, thanks to therapy and a steady supply of parties and things that are done at parties to keep the scary feelings away each weekend. But I was a much thinner, angrier 20-something at one point in my career. This was a dangerous combination for a girl with access to designer clothing and a blog to gossip about the rich and famous through.

Pre-pandemic, I got a call from a massive talent agency that was interested in signing my creative partner and me. It was my first entanglement with the agency system and I thought our lives were going to change, so we booked a rental in WeHo ahead of the meeting and patiently waited for a call from the agent’s assistant.

The morning of the meeting, we got a call that he had other plans that day and they would need to reschedule. It’s safe to say that meeting never happened, which I knew would be the outcome when the call came through that morning, so we instead got blackout drunk at Lisa Vanderpump’s new bar TomTom. There, I sent a drunken rant over email to the editor I’d just started freelancing with about my grand plans to get hired at her site and all the pieces I'd write some day. Later in the night, a villainous (and married) reality star put his arm around my waist and I threw up out the window of my Uber.

I got the job at the site a few months later, but the hangover lingers, even eight years later. All that’s to say: I know exactly how Lisa Barlow feels this week on The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City. Shall we talk about what she wore?

Lisa Barlow

I genuinely dislike these confessional looks. I also dislike that Lisa's makeup artist seems to have ignored her right eye when doing this smoky glam look in the red dress. That, or she's cried so much it completely came off and nobody in production thought to tell her.

But really, Lisa Barlow is flailing. She's completely isolated herself from the group dynamic, which makes her functionally useless on this cast except as a punching bag. It doesn't help her glam has also been left behind, what with this confusing braid situation and ill-fitting gray top. I wonder if the money is indeed tighter than in recent seasons, or she's completely checked out of the process. It's sad to see!

My favorite look of the episode was actually this camel trench she spent much of her lunch with Heather crying in. The boxy shoulders are extremely cunt, as is her center part. There's something about her style that only works in the real world, where it feels chic and grounded in the reality of her daily life. In the booth, it deflates her. But that's because the booth is fantasy now!

Bronwyn Newport

Here goes Bronywn in another stupid coat. I actually like silly this feels, what with the rainbow flag and dramatic proportions. There's nothing this lady loves more than an oversized coat and an exposed leg — she's sort of the Ariana Grande of RHOSLC in that way. (Or the Joan Summers, but I'd never spend that much money on Christian Siriano.)

My big gripe is the rainbow flag Chanel, which is an abomination that should be stricken from this earth and cast into the shadows of a long-forgotten past. Not for any hateful reasons, of course. Just because it's ugly.

Bronywn and Mary make an interesting pair here because they both overdress in completely opposite directions. This Christian Siriano dress is extremely funny to show up wearing at a random afternoon party in Salt Lake City. Mary, meanwhile, overdresses in accessories instead of statement dresses. The fanny pack combined with the layered necklaces and the fur shawl and the wool trench and the belt and the glasses and rings and the gloves.

It's all too much! These ladies are too much, and I really hope they stay that way.

Heather Gay, Whitney Rose and Mary Cosby

I was likewise delighted by the camping outfits on the final morning of their brief weekend retreat. Heather's puffer is particularly memorable, as is Whitney's fur coat and Mary's giant hat. All I really want from this show is for the women to sit in uncomfortable camping chairs against the backdrop of the Utah mountains while arguing about motherhood.

Mary Cosby

Mary's second confessional look is interesting, because it combines her tendency to overdress with the most minimalist we've seen her to date. I quite like how these two sensibilities have combined here. The necklaces and embellished neckline of this top against the black is quite the statement, although I wish they'd brought her hair back or up. It would have given this glam the room it needs to breathe. It would have also made it slightly passé, so maybe the anachronistic curls were the right choice here.

The Real Housewives of Miami

Larsa Pippen

I like when Larsa wears dresses that really emphasize her outlandish proportions, because that's her best asset. (Certainly not her wit or ability to tell a coherent story.) The necklace resting atop the boobs makes me gigglle, as does these gloves and the way her makeup erases all depth on her face. She's committed, I'd say, to always looking like me when it finally happens.

Stephanie Shojaee

Oh, brother. Here comes Stephanie in something only Stephanie would pop up in. If nobody on this cast dresses like an '80s businesswoman in a Doja Cat music video concept, Stephanie has been fired. And if Stephanie's sense of style has no haters, I'm dead.

Guerdy Abraira, Larsa Pippen and Kiki Barth

Images courtesy of NBC Universal/Peacock