The 'Vanderpump Rules' Cast Need to Take Their Shirts Off

Does a single member of the new Vanderpump Rules reboot own a shirt that buttons to the top?

I'm only asking because I have yet to see any of them without a clavicle or tit exposed. This isn't a problem for the show, but it does leave me wondering if the SUR handbook really ever acquired an HR department like Lisa Vanderpump promised. It's not 2013 anymore, as she frequently says, so sending out aspiring OnlyFans models to sling moldy goat cheese balls at Midwestern tourists with their hard nipples exposed reads differently than back in the day.

Consent factors into the equation, of course, and I suspect the self-proclaimed "not incest" twins were more amenable to filming yet another reality dating competition show when they read the fine print that their waxed chests would feature as main characters.

As for the girls, I've yet to see Audrey Lingle in a dress that doesn't plunge to her belly button. Her wardrobe is almost charmingly anachronistic, what with all the talk these days that 22 year olds are prairie dreamers and stay at home moms. It's quaint to see the naughty-aughties era bandage and kerchief dresses she and fellow castmate Demy show up in. It's like The Hills never went away and The Ivy was still a formidable tabloid hotspot.

As for the show itself, I'm enjoying it well enough. I'll never grow tired of watching Tinseltown strivers humiliate themselves for money in clothes worth gossiping about. Shall we get into it?

Vanderpump Rules

What a motley crew of individuals whose names I have to google every single second of my workday. Just like their predecessors, the dresses are tight and the chests exposed. Unlike their predecessors, there is very little to distinguish between any of them. Stuffing Natalie in the back reads like her strong start this season will fizzle out halfway through, while Audrey and Shane's prominent placement at the top seems at odds with their lackluster showing so far.

Likewise, I suspect that the grouping of Kim, Marcus and Venus means their plot line will carry them through to a second season, while Demy, Angelica and Jason are not very long for this crumbling world.

On the fashion front, the indistinguishable black dresses and polyester button-ups are an odd choice for a show looking to make its own mark on the franchise's legacy. That Demy and Audrey have the only colorful dresses of the bunch, and that they're shoved in the back or shoved near the end, is an even odder styling decision! Thank god, at the least, that Lisa Vanderpump hoards pink leopard print silk scarves.

Chris and Demy

Misogyny means that men wear polyester button-ups with their place of business embroidered on the chest while women wear boob-cupping nude illusion dresses that cling to our shape wear. This is bad for men and for women, because it reduces men to indistinguishable and interchangeable sacks of meat and women into sex dolls to throw at tables full of bored television executives. (A true plot line from the original series, by the way.)

Criticism aside, I hope that Demy never abandons the nude lip and black box dye.

Audrey Lingle wants to play scream queens in Tubi original movies. More than any other cast member, she is dressed for the part of final girl on Vanderpump Rules. Whenever I talk about plunging dresses, know I am almost exclusively referencing this little girl's wardrobe, which mostly consists of napkins and table settings she stole from the wreckage of Pump. Blue is her color, more than most colors, and canary yellow is not.

Because it is LA and because Venus is a spiritual practitioner, he welcomed Audrey into her first session wearing a puffer vest with no shirt and a bright orange beanie. This is something Spinner would wear to show he's not homophobic on Degressi: Next Generation, proving he is both homophobic and also can't dress. On Venus, however, it's almost tolerable. Almost, I said — almost. He's about 4 years old, so I'd suggest he google N'Sync!

Venus and Marcus

I love how every time they're onscreen together, they read like Tubi original movie characters. The plot is about how a gay guy and a straight guy accidentally switch bodies, and to keep things a secret, they have to pretend to be the other for a week while they find the television psychic who did it to them.

Lisa Vanderpump

If one thing stays the same in this world, it's Lisa Vanderpump and her commitment to wearing lingerie she's had since the '80s with a blazer that is also a vest. Preferably, one of the items is in fuchsia, and more preferably, the blazer vest has detachable lace sleeves.

Natalie

You can almost hear her through the screen, huh? Ironic, that this dress is about as quiet as she is loud. It's not a very bad dress, but it is a simple dress. Simple here could be effective if the hair was half as long and her lashes less heavy. Altogether, she is swallowed by the quick drag they used to put early season RuPaul's Drag Race contestants in to stand around Hollywood Boulevard scaring tourists

That said, I think this is all mostly her own hair, which is quite the accomplishment!

Later at the pool, she wore this tight little zebra bikini to twist Shayne's balls on camera. Her nonchalant attitude towards his needy overtures was satisfying, especially because she was dressed like a vintage Bud Light commercial spoofing Top Gun before woke

With a name like Angelica, one would think I'd have an easier time remembering! I don't, but I will remember this disco ball dress and not remember this pink number. Her energy gives the girl in your class who moved to a big city for modeling and now sells real estate in South Jersey. Not a drag, but at least this silver dress is gorgeous on her — gorgeous in the way that clothes on Emily in Paris are gorgeous. Gorgeous like a disco ball at the Dollar Tree.

Speaking of Dollar Tree, this upstart cashier turned guy who does OnlyFans with his half-cousin wore another polo shirt in a very flattering shade this week. His "my hairline is receding" combover is less interesting, but I do enjoy that he successfully hides the brow gel and lipgloss behind his Prince Charming looks. Can't deceive me, though!

Chris

If anything, Tubi is the theme of the week, because Chris here made a brief appearance as a cowboy character in a Tubi original ripping off Yellowstone. His character hates his rancher dad and defies the family by dating a small town nail tech, angering the oil oligarch trying to foist off his thot daughter on the family to secure the rights to their land's water supplies.

Images courtesy of Bravo/NBC Universal