‘The Real Housewives of Miami’: Bravo’s Perfect Trainwreck

It happened: I swam in the cool waters of Darienne Lake and it felt just like Miami.

By Darienne Lake I mean Lake Ontario, specifically Hanlan’s Point, which is sort of like Miami Beach for gay people and their girl best friends in Toronto. I was swimming in shoulder deep water, smoking a joint in one hand, drinking my spiked seltzer in the other. The orange light bouncing off the Mississauga skyline cast a sherbet glow over the waters, themselves rendered like the ocean off Majula in Dark Souls 2, perfectly rendered on a pristine Playstation 3.

My friends had just returned to shore, growing chill with the waning sunlight, but I was transfixed. Across the horizon, cloud painted dioramas in broad strokes, the gentle waves lapping away at the distant voices of gay people back on shore. My bikini top was ripped clean off, languishing on my beach towel, and for just a brief moment, it was me alone on the water. Alone with a joint, alone with a Truly, alone with the motorized hum of speedboats and Porter flights taking off from Billy Bishop Airport.

It felt just like Miami.

Summer is ending soon, and I’ve swam from coast to coast, shore to shore, drying out on beaches everywhere from the riverfronts of Quebec to the firepits of San Francisco, the boardwalks of New Jersey to the afters of Fire Island. I’ve ridden river boats and beach blankets and water taxis. But through it all, I have not been to Miami, except when watching The Real Housewives of Miami. But out in the deep of Lake Ontario, slightly buzzed, slightly stoned, floating into the next season, it felt just like Miami. At least the way they make it look on TV.

Shall we talk about the outfits they wear on the program now?

Lisa Hochstein

Mary Magdalene — I mean Lisa Hochstein — debuted these two confessional looks in recent weeks. I love them! If she is not wrapped in ivy like a supervillainess in a ‘90s action movie, she’s ensconced in soft fabrics like a religious icon. There’s a severeness to Lisa that heightens the dramatics in her clothes and actions. It’s why I’ve yelled for months that she needs to hop up out of that Mugler outlet and back into some Schiaparelli, or god forbid, Phillip Plein.

Alexia Nepola

We’ve got jorts. We’ve got jeans. We’ve got jean jackets. But did you know there’s also jazer — or, do we call them bleans? I’m undecided on what’s funnier, “bleans” or the actual sight of this blazer.

Larsa Pippen

Since when did everyone get a dress with little bows on it? I’m not talking about the silken bows we’ve seen on everything. I’m talking about these tiny little rhinestone bows that we’ve seen on Shannon Beador and elsewhere. I’m sick of it! And yes, I say all this with a large tulle dress sitting in my closet with the exact same rhinestone bows. Larsa has me considering burning it, or seeing how much I can flip it for at 2nd Street.

Stephanie Shojaee

Nothing about Stephanie’s personal style clicks into place for me. If it’s not the bangles it’s the bun. If it’s not the bun it’s the makeup. If it’s not the makeup it’s the color of this dress. If it’s not the color of this dress it’s the dress itself, and then the bangles, and then the bun, and then the makeup, and then the color of this dress, and then this dress. Her personality isn’t much better either, although it’s nice to see a woman unafraid to wield her private jet like a weapon. It’s her only good accessory!

Speaking of tiny bows, her latest confessional is the type of thing they make women wear when they’re hired to stand behind the podium at the Oscars and silently shuffle aging animated cartoon producers offstage. There’s also a tiny little bow, because of course there is, and visible jewelry placed over the gloves. It’s like she’s determined to hit every single note I’ve grown to loathe from The Real Housewives fashion universe.

Guerdy Abraira

Guerdy is taking big swings in the booth with nowhere to aim them. This top is crying out for some other statement piece to hold onto, lest it be overwhelmed by the corset detailing. Dressing it down with a high waisted jean would have helped this immensely, if only for the high-low drama of that very famous, and first, Anna Wintour helmed cover of Vogue.

Adriana de Moura

It really is too bad that Adriana went after Kiki this episode, considering she’s a breath of fresh air most other times. It’s disappointing, racist, and odd — just like this dress! It’s an amalgam of everything we don’t like in the modern trend circuit: embellished seams and straps, a visible bust, princess-y aesthetics, silver jewelry, drop earrings.

Kiki Barth

I wish I liked this dress more, considering what Kiki went through in this episode. Sadly, it’s a bit too Pepto-Bismol pink for the confessional booth. The bedazzled collar and cuffs drag it all down, considering the sea of pink between them. If it was draped instead of fitted I might forgive it the crime of its birth, brought into this world by a power hungry designer with endless rhinestones from M&J Trimming.

Adriana, Guerdy, Lisa and Kiki

I guffawed when Adriana rocked up to the tour this episode dressed like an undercover Olsen twin in a ‘90s movie. Her castmates, meanwhile, are dressed for an Instagram post about Italy, the Dolce & Gabbana show in Italy, and an Italian themed influencer event in Miami respectively.

Marysol Patton

Marysol is dressed like a Dua Lipa vacation post on Instagram. I won’t be explaining this further, because it’s quite literally as explanatory as the English language can get.

Gina, Gretchen and Katie

The only fashion news out of The Real Housewives of Orange County this week is that everyone wore fur coats to the actual dinner table on this week’s episode. Like, they all sat down and ate in fur coats without taking them off. All I could think about was not the surprise exit of Tamra Judge or the allegations against Gretchen and Katie, but the oyster juices slowly seeping into the faux-fur.

Shannon Beador

Elsewhere, Shannon Beador put on fake eyelashes in an Uber while wearing the sweater version of that dress we tore apart last week.

Images courtesy of Bravo/NBCUniversal