'The Real Housewives of Orange County' Are Totally Doomed

Everything I have ever wanted to say about The Real Housewives of Orange County can be read below.

Normally, I wax on in these things with anecdotes from my week, or observations about the broader culture at large surrounding Bravo's most glamorous women. Not this time! The original franchise of The Real Housewives is showing its age, and I've talked more about these women's fashions and politics than I'd care to for a lifetime. From the looks of it, they are totally doomed, and I won't have to talk about them much longer. Especially if Gretchen Rossi has her say!

There is a world where that woman never made it onto reality TV. She would have found herself a cozy platform on Fox News, weathering the Obama presidencies in hopes that she'd step into the limelight as the future wife of a Republican senator. She'd be humiliated in the run for Congress, but wouldn't give up hope, ultimately landing a job as press secretary for a man repeatedly mentioned in the Epstein files.

She and her too-long extensions would be humiliated again in the attempt to explain that whole mess away, and we'd blissfully never have to hear from her again, now that woke is officially back and women like this have no place in polite society or otherwise.

Sadly, we live in this world, where she made it onto The Real Housewives of Orange County instead, a show that will never let her fade into the annals of history. No, this is a show that will repeatedly bring her back from the dead to squawk on about things that happened decades ago, long after the soundstage lights have been cut and her self-tanner has stained every surface in the building.

If she ever reads this, I hope she remembers this next bit, and knows that I speak with the voice of every trans woman ever: You (allegedly) say we want to replace you, but nobody wants to be out here dressing like dead last at Miss Continental Elite 2014.

Now shall we talk about the rest of their clothes?

This is certainly the best this cast has looked in ages. It is all the worse this cast has looked in ages. I find the paradox fascinating. There are such genuine highs here, like with Gina and this column dress, or Katie in the pink showgirl gown with the plunging neckline and Emily with her fourteen pounds of hair. Then there are the rote, off-the-rack dresses of Tamra and Heather, or the Shannon's back-to-office special with the HR manager ponytail.

I guess the paradox is what pulls me back to this show, over and over again. Women more fame and success than they could have dreamed of, the very legacy of the Real Housewives franchise on their shoulders, and here they are, sat in a range of pageant gowns and Kohls dresses. Take note that one side is entirely in pink while the other is entirely in red. Gretchen eventual pink gown ruins the Republican joke I was going to make, but what is it they say about wolves in sheep's clothing?

Tamra Judge

I'll start with Tamra, who had an admittedly hard season. Hard, partly, because of her own doing. There were also forces outside of her control, like best friend Teddi's cancer diagnosis, or the fact that producers would make the nonsensical decision to bring Gretchen back after all these years. The ploy was obvious: in lieu of any burgeoning storylines amongst the women, or hopeful casting prospects, they returned to the stale, unfinished business of the past. From the looks of it, they have an axe to grind against Tamra — perhaps she's run this show longer than they'd like, or they're sick of her machinations. Regardless, exhuming Gretchen from the grave and sticking a battery inside her was the very worst decision they've made in recent memory.

The dress exemplifies the struggle happening inside and around Tamra. It is confused, and a wee bit garish. It is basic and challenging. It is loud and understated. Even the glam is confused, with significantly warmer tones than the dress might allow, a dress that similarly clashes with the warmer extensions she'd had plugged into her head. I stand by Tamra because it is the right thing to do, but I cannot stand by this.

Gretchen Rossi

The girls described Gretchen as the adult ghost of JonBenét Ramsey — they weren't wrong! She looks gussied up in the worst way, and by that I mean: she looks like a Republican. I know it is a surface level critique at this point, judging by her Instagram history and general disposition, but there's simply never been a woman more suited to Fox News than this. Which is ironic, considering the accusations against her, and the vehement denial from her and her husband that there's any truth in them.

Sure, maybe her finger "slipped" on the like button when scrolling past the hundredth anti-trans post on the timeline, but why were there a hundred there to begin with? And why does she do her makeup like a yassified Karoline Leavitt?

Gina Kirschenheiter 

I'm almost positive that Gina reads this column. If she doesn't read this column, she reads the comments. Regardless, I'd like to extend a genuine apology for ragging on her so frequently over the last few years — it's only because I cared, and also because I do really enjoy her as a Real Housewives star. Likewise, I knew she had it in her to look and feel this hot. It's the second bit that's more important, really, because beauty comes from the inside. For seasons now, we've watched as Gina made her own worst enemy out of herself, and the way she felt post-divorce and mid-alcohol struggles. She was swamped with motherhood, swamped with crawling out from underneath the shadow of her ex, and didn't have the time or resources to devote to hair and fashion the way the ladies of leisure on this cast might.

That's not a knock against her! To maintain a place on this show, as long as she has, with as little resources as she's had at times, is really something. I find her charming, and few other women would do mushrooms with Heather Dubrow on international television. Few other people on this cast would also be as genuinely bothered as she by the hate spilling out from Gretchen's mouth. I'll reserve any further praise until the reunion's wrapped up, only because I will be disappointed when I see Alex Baskin's puppet strings tied up around her again. But in the meantime, I'd like to say: Kudos, bitch. You really tore this.

Heather Dubrow

As for Heather, disappointment doesn't begin to describe how let down I was by her choice of reunion outfit. Normally I can rely on her to give me something, anything, really! This just felt so mute, and detached, like she was making the statement that she's really done with things this time. Perhaps it was Gretchen's alleged Internet history that sealed the deal for her, or the machinations of producers and the cast that has her wanting to jump ship to The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

Whatever it is, she's clearly not happy here, evidenced by the clothes. It's a damn shame, as Heather had the best season of television in her nearly 15 years on this show. What a waste!

Emily Simpson

It is going to sound hypocritical when I wax poetic about Emily's look, considering I just ragged on Gretchen for looking like a Fox News correspondent. But damn, isn't this hair just something? I can forgive almost anything over good hair, and Emily has it in spades. Even the dress is a great color choice, despite the on-trend squiggle that we've seen everywhere this past year. I'd tone down the bronzer and self-tanner, had I the choice, but beggars can't be choosers in the most exclusive gated community in California!

Katie Ginella

Katie had quite a lot to prove at this reunion, and so far, has proven very little of it. She has not presented groundbreaking evidence to support her conspiratorial claims, but she has also showed herself to be a thorn in the side of Shannon Beador and Gretchen Rossi. Therefore, I have no choice but to say there has never been a more beautiful woman in the history of human civilization, and this pink dress is better than anything sent down the Parisian runways of the world's greatest couture houses.

Jennifer Pedant

Dear Jennifer Pedranti,

I have nothing to say about you. I look at you and feel pity, really, and wonder what you could have possibly done to secure first seat at the reunion. This dress is nothing, this hair is nothing, and even your glam is really nothing much. I wish you well, and I wish you gone — from TV, but also from your relationship, before he humiliates you on the road to white collar criminal prison. Did you see what happened to Wendy? I'd change phone numbers, and maybe stop using the landline.

Best wishes,

PAPER

Shannon Beador

I've sat across from this HR manager before, at various times in my career. She'd always have the world's largest Big Gulp on her desk, and the kind of keyboard that clacks loud enough to union bust all on its own. She's never been on my side, and she's never approved my time off requests for urgent medical leave or vacation. She always includes a scathing reminder about tardiness in her morning emails, which likewise feature "word of the day" copy pasta from her HR Manager Facebook groups.

I don't hate her, though, despite everything we've been through together. I pity her.

Images Courtesy of Bravo/NBC Universal