'The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City' Is a Sinking Yacht

Old sailor's tales speak of a ghost yacht adrift in the Caribbean. It only comes out under the waning gibbous moon of particularly sticky Julys, when the ocean turns a midnight blue and rum infused cocktails flow freely on the sandy beaches of the various island haunts rich pirate women frequent on vacation.

They say that if one stands ankle deep in the waters, just out of reach of the sirens and mermaids and sharks, they can hear the wail of a long lost Lisa Barlow, crying out for her husband John and a team of lawyers.

At least, that's what those old sailors say. Bravo viewers have more immediate access to her high seas meltdowns, like this week on The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City. This is now the fifteenth consecutive vacation these women have taken that has ended with the Vida Tequila founder in a puddle of her own tears and ocean water dripping off a frayed kaftan, Tom Ford sunglasses askew, mascara smudged like she's in a scene they play at the Oscars for the "Supporting Actress" category for a movie about a woman who's son is also a serial killer

She's done it to herself, partly, and the long arc of fan culture around The Real Housewives has also done it to her. She's like a woman nailed to the cross by the re-animated corpses of her hubris and greed, molded each into the shape of a BravoCon attendee.

Unfortunately, the cross they nailed her too doesn't fit on the yacht, and so they've strung her up to the bow like she's about to be fed as tribute to a sea monster. Did everyone notice how I rescued my Jesus metaphor with a nautical one, instead?

Let's talk about those kaftans.

The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City

On the topic of nautical themed outfits, Bronwyn came rocking up to the yacht with her own set of floatation devices. The women of The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City were unamused by her antics, but they did elicit a chuckle from me and an uncharacteristically studious question from Whitney: "Is this costume or is it fashion?"

Bronwyn didn't have a clear answer to that, but I did appreciate her unwavering commitment to looking totally foolish wherever she is. Whether on an airplane, at a Wendy's, on a yacht, in an Uber, on the ski slopes, or even outside the Watch What Happens Live! studio

Back in the confessional booth, Bronwyn still hasn't put down the shiny lip gloss and cherry red lipstick. I generally like the direction her glam has taken — for her, at least — but there's just an element missing to bring it all together for me. Perhaps it's the way they've lined the lip, or the shape of the brows. It just needs one small tweak, like this jacket!

The odd cutout is actually the highlight of the ensemble, as it's both unexpected and weird enough to be remembered tomorrow. The fluff at the collar is nice touch, but overall, the look is just washed out against this backdrop and the general dourness of the confessional booth.

Meredith Marks

"Officer? She has her tits out again!" That's the last thing Meredith would hear before they escorted her into Joan Rivers' squad car for a trip to Fashion Police headquarters, where they'd charge her with "blazer in the first degree" and "misdemeanor use of silver eyeshadow." The first carries prison time, with an added stipulation she has to work in a soup kitchen to pay back the community for the crimes committed by metallic eye products.

Angie Katsanevas

If Meredith is getting booked on felony blazer charges, I'm proposing a new community ordinance to protect women like Angie Katsanevas from matching gloves. I'll become like those politicians who make vapes for children their entire personality, except instead of crusading against e-cigarettes flavored like Lady Gaga's nachos, it's a one woman war on women's elbow length gloves.

This look is divine. She looks more beautiful than god. In fact, God dropped dead the minute he saw that perfect hair, her angelic smile, the radiant glam, the gentle pop of cleavage and this draped bustier. Then, he saw the gloves, and rolled over in the grave I dug for him out by Provo, in the gargantuan backyard of Meredith's rented house.

Angie Katsanevas and Mary Cosby

Even on her deathbed, Angie Katsanevas is the most glamorous woman alive. Here she is in bed with Mary Cosby, who looked similarly glam. The entire episode this week was littered with excellent two-shots of women on the verge of sanity like this one.

Speaking of women on the verge, here's Whitney Rose disassociating in a bikini with her fuckass bob askew. Someone said she looked like a Survivor contestant, and while I've never seen the program myself, I'm inclined to agree. I'll have to ask our resident expert Tobias Hess for clarity.

Elsewhere, Meredith disassociated with no eye makeup on while Whitney showed the world her cleavage again. I like that anywhere one goes, there's Whitney Rose in a lacy vacation coverup, fuckass bob askew, cleavage on display.

The episode ended with this cinematic panorama of women experiencing their own parallel mental health crises, surrounded by hordes of carnivorous fish. While Lisa Barlow endured her fifth mental breakdown of the season in a little black dress, Britani learned about boundaries and consent again while dressed like a Disney princess who just stepped out of a storybook and into the real world.

The final shot of the episode is Lisa, alone on the pier, floodlights illuminating her like in a found footage horror movie I'll never watch about a woman who's children are abducted by a stranger in a Hello Kitty costume. Was she the Hello Kitty the whole time, and the movie told through the perspective of her fractured psyche? I don't know; I'll never watch it. I won't even read the Wikipedia.

The Real Housewives of Potomac

Tia is Nigerian royalty — or at the very least, related to Nigerian royalty. We're not quite clear yet on the connection, but she has mentioned it enough that I was able to easily clock this play on a traditional headdress. I quite like it, actually! I think this icy blue is quite beautiful, as is the patterning. I like the mesh dress significantly less. Not because my own closet is likewise full of them, but because it brings the look back down to earth, like that sole bangle and slightly dated nail polish.

The orange dress is where things go significantly off the rails for me. Not only does it totally overwhelm her, but the single sleeve made me actually burst out with the worst case of mean-spirited laughter I've had in some time. Had it been removed, perhaps I would love this dress. Had it been removed, perhaps I would have even celebrated this dress and even bought it for myself.

Gizelle Bryant

I cannot quote the tweet about Gizelle looking like she got dressed in the dark again even though I want to. Just know that I'm looking at this and thinking about how there's a tweet that says Gizelle gets dressed in the dark and I'm laughing at it in my mind.

This top, which she has certainly paired with white pants or worse, stone wash jeans, looks like a Skims compression garment got an STD.

Jassi looks ridiculous, which I actually like, for a change. She is a supporting character bringing silver pasties and chainmail diamonds to the confessional booth. She is engaged to a man who had two kids born during there engagement and she shows up places with the confidence of a woman engaged to a man who did not have two kids with women outside of his engagement. Her fit at Preakness was the highlight of the episode for me, in fact, if only because it temporarily blinded me and caused me to miss a few of Gizelle's confessionals.

Ashley Darby

In case anyone was worried that Ashley Darby didn't show up somewhere looking crazy as hell — fear not! Here she is in something that would be sold as a Shania Twain costume at a Spirit Halloween in an Eastern European country where English is not the first language, and the package reads something like: "Sad Distressed Country American Woman."

Wendy Osefo

If there were any trends happening on The Real Housewives currently, it would be statement collars on things that are not shirts or suits. Like Wendy's look here, which is actually quite fab, or the pass-around shirt-dress that Tamra and everyone wore a few weeks back. I love this color on her, and while the white collar threatens to overtake my positive feelings towards it, I think the rest of her accessorizing pulls it back into the realm of a "kudos!"

Photos courtesy of Bravo/NBC Universal