So Chic, Very Chic: 'The Real Housewives of Orange County' Are Painting the Town Red

Gretchen Rossi was the very first Real Housewives star I ever met in person. In fact, she was the very first celebrity I ever met at that, save the Bay Area famous quarterback my mom went to prom with who was a regular around town.

To date, my encounter with the once The Real Housewives of Orange County star stands as the strangest experience of my life. I was 15 and on a field trip to San Francisco, about an hour and some change away from where I grew up. The club I was in would make quarterly trips to the metropolis with money we made on bake sales and candy fundraisers. The supervising teacher was in her 20s, and she’d let us run loose around Union Square for a few hours before we’d pile back on the bus with our spoils and a promise that we wouldn’t tell of what we did or saw.

The city hadn’t yet garnered the excess of attention from fascists and tech overlords with political agendas. It felt relatively safe to roam around the department stores and malls and diners that littered the area. This trip was freezing, with Union Square being decorated for the holidays, so my best friend and I made a pilgrimage to the double story H&M for these giant cable knit scarves we’d seen in ads. Scarves secured, we made our way to the Saks Fifth Avenue, which I’d drag any and everyone too on these trips. I’d snap photos of all the designer clothes on my Nikon Coolpix and brag about them on Tumblr, which was normal for the era. Outside the Louis Vuitton nearby, I ran headfirst into a woman with a visible scent of hairspray and her attendant bodyguard. Looking up, I stared in shock at Gretchen Rossi and Slade Smiley. Seeing the recognition on my face, they darted back inside the store while a nervous laugh burst out of me.

My friend, who was also 15 and not totally corrupted by television like me, had no idea what had just happened. I filled her in on the details of the ongoing feud between Vicki, Tamra, and Gretchen while we walked to La Boulangerie. Coffees in hand, we made our way back to the Saks when again we ran nearly headfirst into Gretchen and her new boyfriend. He stepped in front of her, demanding to know if we were trying to get photos of them “for the tabloids.” Again, I was 15, and told him we were on a field trip, before blurting out that I thought Vicki was meddling in things she shouldn’t. Gretchen’s attitude melted, and she sidled up to me, saying she wished she’d known soon I was a fan. Sizing up my new cable knit scarf and combat boots, a smile crept over her face, and she asked, in a tone I’ll never forget: “Wait, are you gay? That’s so cute.”

I was not, in fact, gay. Now that she’s back on my television screen, the encounter’s been on my mind often. Shall we talk about what she’s wearing these days?

Gretchen Rossi

The Wicked Witch of Anaheim is back with a new look. Her extensions are still blonde and shiny and too long, but the face is new, as is the fashion. Where she once leaned into the pastel princess look popular in the late 2000s and early 2010s, she’s now walking around looking like the ex-wife of a disgraced politician from a red state. He got caught using taxpayer funds to build her a spa on their too-large ranch, and she eventually ran off with a Fox News host while her husband waited on a pardon from the president.

It never came, unlike this purple dress in the mail from some affiliate sponsor she posts on Instagram. It’s a totally serviceable dress, neither here nor there, but it overwhelms her in the confessional booth. And that’s no easy feat, considering her hair and skin are the exact same shade range of orange and blonde.

Katie Ginella

The theme of the season in the confessional booth is structured jersey dresses. While “jersey knit” and structure don’t normally go together, designers on the mid-to-low luxury ranges have started adding metal hoops and rivets and the like to give these dresses some form. We see these commonly with hip cutouts or plunging necklines with gold rings, but they’ve also started showing up in shoulders and necklines too.

I’m sure it’s a softer material used to give this dress this ruching detail, but I don’t like it any more than those oblong hip cutouts we’ve seen elsewhere. The dress is fine, but the relatively childlike blush placement and demure eye makeup gives her a washed out effect that isn’t totally flattering.

Shannon Beador

I think it was last season that I said Shannon dresses like a little girl who haunts a seaside manor. She drowned many years back, and can now be seen roaming the grounds on especially stormy days, calling out for mama and papa while the tempests rage around her. They say if you refuse her cries for help, she drowns you too.

The metaphor came back to me with this dress, which is especially “little drowned girl haunting the grounds of a seaside cottage.” The juvenile haircut and overwhelming eye makeup don’t help either. If her makeup artist is reading this: put down the Morphe pallet!

Jennifer Pedranti

Hopefully we’ve seen the last of the animal print trend come and go with the passing of RHOC’s nineteenth season. It’s been nearly three years now of various animal prints — mainly leopard — parade like Noah’s Ark through the confessional booth. This dress is fine, until here comes another overworked trend: jeweled neck and hemlines. It’s just too much!

Red also makes a big play in the booth this season, which is likely unintentional, if fitting, considering the political situation in this country. It’s too bad these women look crazy in red, what with the blonde hair and spray tans and too-orange color grading.

Jen’s been accused of single-white-femaling Tamra this season, which probably isn’t true. Doesn’t help though that she’s wearing Tamra’s extensions and dressing like a biker chick to confrontations with her.

Emily Simpson

It’s been tough to watch the tenor around this first confessional look get so transphobic so quickly. Shut up everyone! The issue with this isn’t that she’s buff, which is actually hot and cool and more women should be this buff. The issue is that she’s been overtanned and her hair’s been pulled back too tight. This little flippy wave at the shoulders isn’t helping either, but unless we’re talking about the spray tan (or too-small dress) I don’t want to hear another word about it.

The more egregious of the looks in my opinion is this odd blazer. The pearls along the arms and shoulders are just about the most befuddling design choice anyone could have gone with. They also cheapen the garment, which isn’t their intended function by any means.

Heather Dubrow

Heather’s been a bit dour in the confessional booth this season! Her hair is darker than its ever been, and the bold lips are only adding to her Lady Gothika look. (A look, I think, that’s completely intentional on her part.) What’s interesting between these two looks is how drastically warmth and color can change a person’s face. The cooler tones in the red look dramatically alter the way her expression reads on camera, as opposed to the softer warm tones in the floral number. Just something to think about, really.

Gina Kirschenheiter

Two trends in one: structured metal objects and the color red! Gina has gone on record now multiple times to defend herself against the way she dresses, which says more about us than her at this point. But good golly, she really can’t get it right. Perhaps she was cursed by a witch, or the ghost haunting that seaside manor, to never serve.

But, in the realm of serving, it bears mentioning that this is the closest she’s ever come to the concept. It’s a beautiful color on her and this is the appropriate hair length in general. I also like the white nails and tennis bracelets, simple as they are. Kudos.

Tamra Judge

Tamra spent most of the past few weeks crying about her dying best friend. She’s also been whacked repeatedly online for nearly 20 years of transgressions. In the interests of avoiding an absolute dogpile, I’ll simply ask that her stylist put down the mesh body suits, tops, dresses, and pants. Please! For my sanity, please.

Photos courtesy of Bravo/NBCUniversal