This Evil Barbie Doll Is Destroying 'The Real Housewives'

Every week I tune into my politically fraught emotional support Barbie dolls on Bravo to see what grotesqueries they’ve trapped themselves inside of. It’s sort of like Silent Hill 2 if it was a reality show full of fake designer clothing and not a widely celebrated video game from my childhood.

Chief among this crop of villains is Gretchen Rossi, who’s shambled her way back onto The Real Housewives of Orange County for the third time now. Maybe it will finally stick, and she’ll find the succor she so desperate craves from the flesh of Tamra Judge. Or, she’ll flame out and scatter like the ashes of another failed takedown attempt. Judging by the season so far, I’m leaning towards the latter.

To make matters worse, she’s debuted a new confessional look in recent weeks that has chilled me to the bone. It’s worse even then the effect that Pyramid Head had on my pre-pubesescent temperament. I can still remember fumbling over my PS2 controller, futilely firing a tiny 3D handgun at the creature while it tore me limb from limb. The muscle memory comes back to me now when I attempt to fast forward through her confessional scenes and drop the remote under my coach.

Shall we tear these dolls apart, limb from limb? Well, just their clothes of course. PAPER doesn’t condone violence except in video games from our childhood.

The Real Housewives of Orange County

Gretchen Rossi

I don’t think I’ve ever been this repulsed by a woman or an outfit in my entire life. It’s like she took every design trend I’ve ever loathed from the past five years and keyword searched them on Temu. The pearl embellishments and tiny bows are bad enough, but it’s the cap sleeve and racially charged attack on Katie Ginella that’s worst of her sins this season.

Try as the women of this show might to prove otherwise, they’re simply not smart enough to orchestrate a Tamra Judge takedown. They’re likewise not savvy enough to cover their tracks in the attempt. It’s clear that Katie threw a wrench in Gretchen’s designs this season to ruin Tamra’s life when she spoke to the press about their strategizing off-camera. To watch Gretchen turn on her and act like here hands are clean is totally in line with her previous behavior, but it doesn’t make it any less reprehensible. At least this dress is sort of like the coloring on poisonous frogs — it lets the rest of us know her presence can kill.

There’s a girl on TikTok who does these longform comedy videos about “Republican makeup,” and invariably, she always ends up looking just like Gretchen. Isn’t that something! The Morphe palette has been greatly abused in the creation of this look, as has the curling iron and bleach powder. To then pair it with this blouse gives her the look of a woman that would have made a household name for herself trying to censor rock music in the ‘80s. Not a fan!

Tamra Judge

On the other end of the spectrum is Tamra here, who’s been otherwise uncontroversial this season. Sure, there’s hubbub online about her self-professed autism diagnosis, but she’s otherwise had Katie’s back postseason. She also has Gretchen’s number. Not that I have it in me to forgive the original sin Gretchen has sharpened her axe over the last 15 years, but in the context of the season, Tamra’s done and been through worse. (And that is not to dismiss her very real pain over Teddi Mellencamp’s diagnosis.)

Interestingly, fashion so often accompanies storyline on these shows, and this dress is about as inoffensive as it gets. The hair is actually quite nice, all piecey and warm, and it totally compliments the dress. I think what I’m drawn to most is her adherence to a primary rule I have for the confessional booth: sometimes, simple is just better. Don’t reinvent the wheel unless one can cross the finish line in whatever new contraption they’ve cooked up.

Shannon Beador

I’m normally loathe to compliment Shannon’s outfits, but it’s nice to see her graduate from haunted doll to haunted Real Housewife. This lame dress could be described as generally fine, but the real wow factor is the color, and just how beautiful she looks in it. I’m still considering running up on her glam team over these heavy eye looks, but that’s neither here nor there, not when the rest is so deliciously packaged!

Gina Kirschenheiter

Julia Lemigova

Something about the silhouette that Julia is most drawn to gives her the look of an evil woman president in a Marvel movie. Worse, in a spoof on Marvel movies like The Boys. Any second now I expect her to demand her generals release the drones that have secretly been hacked by aliens before Superduperman comes in through the side of the wall and arrests her.

Adriana De Moura

I’m glad that Adriana and Kiki have made up, but I’m still keeping my eyes on her for the moment. Mostly now because of how beautiful she looks in this dress. Like Tamra’s above, it’s not particularly exciting, but it fits and compliments her quite nicely. That’s all I really need to be happy these days.

Likewise, I’d like to briefly admit I’m a complete hypocrite, as there as pages and pages of screeds strewn across this column about too-long hair in the confessional booth. Here, it’s the opposite. I need her to go longer, until her tresses trail behind her like some sort of mermaid on the shores of Miami.

Guerdy Abraira

I believe this is the first thing I’ve properly liked on Guerdy all season, which is comical, considering it's a cobalt leopard catsuit with matching gloves, a high neck and exposed shoulders. There’s just something about the ensemble that has me crying and smiling at the same time, like a woman at the end of a Lifetime movie after she’s discovered the meaning of Christmas.

Marysol Patton

In breaking news, Marysol wore a Chanel hat that’s too funny to be believed, and too believable to be funny. Figure that out amongst yourselves, please.

Alexia Nepola

Speaking of emotional support Barbie dolls, Alexia is my favorite amongst the vast collection I keep on the shelf. She’s just so beautiful in this dress, despite the deep side part. The necklace is just right, the champagne color radiates warmth against her skin, and it fits her just so elegantly. She calls herself the Cuban doll, but I’d like to offer a name change: The Cuban Princess Diana.

Kiki Barth and Guerdy Abraira

This shot is a study in sunglasses. More specifically: the ways in which sunglasses technology has evolved dramatically since the introduction of AliExpress and Temu to the general population.

Images courtesy of Bravo/NBCUniversal