'The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Are Extremely Divorced

It's another season of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Bravo's answer to the question posed by tabloids and Reddit users everywhere: If a Real Housewife gets divorced in the off-season and nobody is around to film it, did it even really happen? It's much mouthier than the older adage about trees in forests, but it gets at the core mysteries of life all the same.

Like always, there are old faces and new, literally and figuratively. Besides the excessive plastic surgery, newcomers include longtime Bravo veteran Rachel Zoe, adrift in a sea of vintage gowns and gold jewelry. She joins a cast whose primary directive each episode includes sitting around at parties and talking in circles about their ongoing divorces. We're none closer to the truth about what happened in Kyle Richards' marriage, nor will I ever understand the dynamic between Sutton Stracke and her menacingly wealthy ex-husband. Erika Girardi still won't talk about the lawsuits and now, Dorit Kemsley can join in on the divorce chit-chat by never speaking directly about her separation either.

Zoe is also mid-divorce, except she's cut from an older reality television cloth, and instead of talking in circles, breaks most social contracts established on this show by blurting out what everyone is really thinking. It was a welcome change in tone, following a parade of increasingly beige outfits on Dorit and the many blazers Sutton punishes herself and this column with. Kyle, unchanged from last season in her vagueness around her sexuality, wore more black outfits, if anyone can believe it. Erika dressed like she isn't being actively sued for fraud by Marco Marco and Boz wore earrings the size of the shoebox Dorit will find herself in if the upcoming memoir doesn't sell well.

If I sound peeved, it's because I am. How is it that the so-called richest Real Housewives on this network get out dressed by a cabal of Mormons in Salt Lake City or millennials working at a brunch restaurant in Charleston? Let's talk about it, shall we?

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Dorit has, at various times in her reality television career, described herself as a fashion savant. But as her divorce proceedings continue and her ex-husband's finances get called into question across the tabloids, I've noticed a shift in her style. It could be purely coincidental, but she's grown increasingly muted, beige, even plain. Her shocking blonde has transformed into a mousy brown, indicative in the overall aesthetic shift Dorit's undergone the past few seasons.

In isolation, I like these two looks quite a bit. I'd likely wear both of them. But in the context of what it is she used to look like on this show, I can't help but feel an immense sense of dread looking at that leopard print.

The episode also began with a slow motion shot of her leaving a store with used Hermes shopping bags. I don't know what they hoped to achieve with this shot, because the bags are clearly used and the outfit isn't Hermes — it's clearly supposed to be Chanel.

She also popped up at Boz's house with her sleeves pulled up around her wrists. I point this out as a warning to women everywhere, and also boyfriends and the people who date women: if your girlfriend or friend who's a girl shows up anywhere with her sleeves pulled up around her wrists, promptly hand her a drink and a cigarette. In fact, cancel every meeting for the day and make a reservation somewhere with dim lighting, because she's in crisis, and now you're the only one who can help her.

Look! It's Rachel Zoe! Overall, her first outing on this television program was moderately successful. She came in, cut through the noise, established a clear plot line around her divorce. She also wore some sequined frocks and dresses that cost more than my yearly salary. She oozes wealth, her hair is long, and generally speaking, she sits in that confessional booth looking like Cavalli's angel.

Even in her daytime drag, arranging a plate of breakfast for her sons, she's chic and well put together. As an original viewer of The Rachel Zoe Project, it's nice to see the gold jewelry has only continued to multiply, so much so that I must imagine there's a room somewhere in her house that she keeps locked, door slightly bulging from the weight of the bangles she hides in there.

Bozoma Saint John

This is my favorite confessional look from Boz. I say that sincerely, because they haven't all been winners. The dress is an exquisite shade of pink on her, and these appliqués are, generally, very interesting to look at. Imagine I just made a joke here about Lily Allen and Chappell Roan's new duet, "Pink Pussy Palace."

The visible boning on the dress deducts from her overall score slightly, if I'm being my honest and authentic self. This column essentially serves as a written record of my distaste and aversion to visible boning. But I do like the piece eyelashes enough to override my negativity around modern corsetry trends!

Erika Girardi

Speaking of modern corsetry trends, Erika here looks rich enough to rent from the runway again. She's also glowing, thanks in small part to her cast mates finally moving off the topic of her many lawsuits. I haven't, but for the sake of this being a fashion column, I'll say that evil does look good on some people. Leather also looks good on a few, and pleather even less. Blonde is not everyone's color but it is hers. Congrats to Erika, then, on winning the lottery!

Back in the real world, Erika wore Jean Paul Gaultier to sneer at Sutton and Christian Louboutin Boltina 120 Fluo Sneaker Booties to wash her car. I love that she perpetually swings between corporate wife and an actress in an Interview spread dressed like a pop star in conversation with a pop star. I suspect that's what happens when you exclusively employ gay guys in West Hollywood.

What can possibly be said about Kyle Richards' black outfits that haven't already been said about Kyle Richards' black outfits. She is in mourning, I guess, because her marriage exploded in slow motion. I just wish she'd leave the see-through fabrics and statement buttons and illusion lace back in 2016 where they belong. Back when Balmain meant something and The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills was the most entertaining show on Bravo.

Later int he episode, she participated in a Midsommar-esque humiliation ritual, where she donned a flower crown and evil eye necklace and listened to a bunch of women talk about how they've almost gone on dates with her ex-husband.

Sutton Stracke

There's something not quite right about this look. Maybe it's the hair, or the button, or the ever-so-subtle collar on this quasi-shirt dress. Maybe it's the lack of pronounced glam, or the spray tan, or the geometry of her living room furniture. It's ominous, no? Like looking at an image of a woman that doesn't exist posted by an AI company to promote their new talk therapy app.

While everyone else traipses around in Louboutin sneakers and leopard catsuits and archival gowns, Sutton rocks a white blazer and Kyle rocks striped pants. Yin and yang, really.

Images courtesy of Bravo/NBC Universal