PAPER Presents: A Very Diva Christmas Playlist

This veritable treasure trove of Christmas tunes was put to good use last year, when I ranked and reviewed every single RuPaul Christmas song that had ever been released, totaling almost 100 original tracks that I meticulously combed for trends, themes and vibes. Instead of dipping back into the drag queen holiday pond, I expanded the search this season to include every weird diva track I would find and think of for PAPER's newest yuletide playlist: "A Very Diva Christmas."

Don't let the title fool our dear readers, however. These are not the classic Christmas carols society hears in CVS or at the church service parent's drag some of us too each season. These are deep cuts in the diva archives, from Lady Gaga's cult classic "Christmas Tree" to Girls Aloud rockabilly "Not Tonight Santa." There's also the uncomfortably weird "Mistletoe Bikini" from Courtney Stodden and Kylie Minogue's sexually charged "Hot in December," and that's before one gets to Blondie's rock-rap fusion b-side "Yuletide Throwdown" with Fab 5 Freddy or Big Freedia's "Tis The Season."

The cousin walk at the holidays has been much meme'd of late, and I'd propose an alternative this Christmas Eve: the diva walk. Smoke a joint, leave the house with a wine glass like Rihanna, and stroll around the neighborhood we all hated growing up in with the sickly sweet tunes of the Spice Girls' forgotten holiday discography.

Most importantly, remember that nobody is ever really alone on Christmas. Sure, the house might be empty, the family estranged, the boyfriend out of town, the friends back home in the too-big mansions they're uncomfortable to admit their families live in. But there's always Christmas music, and movies, and the festive songs that Cher occasionally drops to remind everyone she's still a diva. I mean, how can anyone hear "DJ Play a Christmas Song" and not feel lifted by the spirit of the season?

That's me being positive, anyway. It's just about the only thing I can do these days, with these gray skies outside and a heating bill breathing down my neck.

Just know that PAPER staff are keeping each and every reader in our hearts this Christmas. We love and rely on the joy, laughter and eternal font of creativity each and every one of you brings into our lives. Thank you for sticking with us another year, even if we subject you to downright unlistenable music from time to time.

Merry Mariah Carey Christmas to all, and to all, a happy Destiny's Child holiday!

Images via Getty