I’ve been thinking a lot about little miracles this week.
On Tuesday, I woke up to snow blanketing the ground and trees and the little patio out behind my house. One of the neighborhood kids had built a series of snowmen on the street, and on the way for my morning coffee, I witnessed a group of kindergarteners holding hands and trudging up the makeshift sledding hill in the park. At the top, they nervously shook the powder off themselves and did it all over again.
Philly was told to expect an unseasonably warm winter, and for the most part, our bustling city along the rivers of the Delaware Valley has lived up to the promise. That brief snowfall Monday night felt like a miracle, one that might temporarily bury the world in ice.
Of course, the snow has already begun to melt. Icicles have formed along the eaves outside my office, and a few adventurous squirrels bravely set out from the oak tree this morning in search of food amidst the slush. They say it’s going to snow again tomorrow — maybe for the last time this winter. I’ve made peace with it, because a new year is a miracle, and a chance to do it all over again.
I wonder what Lisa Barlow is thinking right now at Sundance. Is it snowing where she is? I bet she cries at all these tiny miracles too.
The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City
This will likely be the last inclusion of RHOSLC in these recaps until the fall, when it picks back up again. Let’s get one last look at these ladies in the meantime! Goodbye Angie! Goodbye Lisa! Heather will have to fight for my attention next season, and I pray to God that I never have to see Mary Cosby again in my life.The dress is whatever, as I’m mostly fixated on her statement bangles. What is with the statement bangles? What statement did she think they’d make on the reunion stage? Certainly not what they’re telling me now: “This lady is bad at being on TV and worse at being on The Real Housewives!”
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
Sutton Stracke and Kyle Richards
I generally save RHOBH for the end of these posts, but the women have stepped their pussies up this week! Sutton looks like a handmaiden to the Easter Bunny on a Target run for chocolate eggs and wicker baskets. It’s delightful. Kyle? She’s the soccer mom impatiently tapping her foot in the checkout line while Sutton discovers you can’t pay for chocolate eggs and wicker baskets with Peeps.
This season feels like Dorit’s swan song, as there’s no real reason for producers to bring her back next season as anything other than a "friend of." She better keep hosting those “Homeless, Not Toothless” galas, or she’ll be out of a job for good!
Here she is, looking classically Kemsley. I giggled during this photoshoot sequence, because her life calling really is standing by windows and balconies and having her photo taken. I’m not dissing that journey, as plenty others have made a perfectly decent living for themselves doing the same on Instagram. But this is the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Why are you, as a charity hostess, in stretch polyester?
Erika Jayne, Crystal Kung Minkoff, Garcelle Beauvais, Sutton Stracke
I’m going to say something that will legitimately change my moral alignment forever: I think Erika looks incredibly chic. This pink is sublime, especially when paired with a blossoming bosom and perfectly tailored updo. I haven’t forgiven this lady for her transgressions. I might never forgive her! But my god, did she turn this look.
Crystal, Garcelle and Sutton also look excellent, although I’m going to need Sutton to settle on a hairstyle that works for her next season. If I had full creative control, I’d send her to the Yolanda Hadid School of Bobbitry and pray the lessons stick. They’re expensive!
Speaking of gay people (the evil ones, specifically), here’s Erika Jayne looking like a villain on The Young and the Restless. I’m serious! Her character is a top level executive at a rival company whose parents died in a fiery plane crash while she was off at Swiss boarding school. She inherited their massive fortune, and at just 18, assumed total control of Fierce Cuntress Enterprises. Rich, bitch! (Except also broke, since we know she hasn’t had plane crash victim settlement funds to leech from the last few years.)
As a gay man trapped in a sexy woman’s body, I actually gasped when Paula Abdul descended from the heavens to my TV screen. Look at this bitch! Has there ever been a fiercer woman alive? I couldn’t even bring myself to criticize this fit if I tried — I love her just that much, even if she looks like a Christmas ornament that rolled under the couch and wasn’t discovered until April.
RHOBH pulled out all the stops this week when attempting to kill its primarily gay audience. That’s Taylor fucking Dayne! She told it to my heart in this dress, which fits her beautifully. I’d also like to commend her colorist, who I hope is paid a fabulous sum of money every few months to keep her locks this luscious.
The Real Housewives of Potomac
Somewhere In Hell
Would it shock anyone to learn that a significant portion of this week’s RHOP took place in the parking lot of a culinary school in Somewhere, Nowhereland? I wasn’t surprised, as the producers on this show seem determined to alienate this show’s once staunch supporters. Why am I looking at parking lot signage and strip malls each week? At least the women on RHONJ have the common sense to have tacky houses and expensive cars and befuddling facelifts for me to look at each week.
Candiace Dillard Bassett
Since RHOP was determined to trap us in cars this week, here’s Candiace in her car in a Gucci two-piece workout set. I always say, "We think our outfits are fierce until they’re recorded on a reality show from a low angle with a dashboard camera." Best of luck to these women on resuscitating what’s left of their season!
The Real Housewives of Miami
Adriana de Moura
Can you believe this lady is 58-years old? I swear, there must be magic in the waters of Miami Beach, as she looks perfectly preserved in amber and Louis Vuitton. This is the ensemble she wore to record a song once written for Camilla Cabello, which I think is fierce. This is the correct energy to bring when Camilla Cabello’s castoffs are involved.
Let’s play a game I like to call "Count the Van Cleef jewelry!" She has the necklace, of course, as well as Van Cleef earrings and two Van Cleef Alhambra bracelets. She also has a Cartier Juste un Clou bracelet for good measure, rounding out the comical ensemble in true Alexia fashion. I’d try to explain why she’s in overalls without an undershirt, but it would require an extensive backstory that involves a homophobic joke Alexia made about lesbians — oh, and Julia Lemigova’s goat farm.
Lisa Hochstein and Jody Glidden
Divorce Barbie went house hunting this week. As the Indiana Jones of finding a 4000-square foot mansion for her and her two kids, she rounded out the look with safari shorts and a sensible cropped sweater. It was an interesting choice on her part, since she matched the color of the furniture and walls. Had she not raided her bangles drawer beforehand, I might have lost her in this scene entirely.
I also have to briefly mention how genuinely frightening this potential home looked on camera. Why are the couches that color? Why are they so far apart? Why are the ceilings so low, and why do I get the faint impression that there was once blood splattered across the walls and floors?
Lisa also made the brave decision to have herself filmed pumping gas for what appeared to be the first time in her life. It was a true test of strength for the embattled Star Island empress, and we here at PAPER want to salute her bravery and courage.
Guerdy Abraira, Nicole Martin, Marysol Patton, Alexia Nepola
There’s not much to say about the women’s choice of outfits for Miami Swim Week, as my mind is preoccupied by preparations here at PAPER for NYFW. Miami sure is a different world, huh?
Photos courtesy of Bravo/NBCUniversal Media, LLC
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