So Chic, Very Chic: Send in the Pumptinis

By noon, it had melted into great big puddles of mud. The streets were scuffed with salt and dirt, our porch a flood of soggy newspapers carrying last year’s news, still full of hope that the Eagles would turn it around before the Super Bowl. Some construction workers digging a ditch yelled words at each other I won’t repeat here — even if I did have half a mind to march down in my rain boots to pass out my number.

Gone was the perfect little world in the globe I’d kept it in, or my eagerness to give it one more shake. I wrote a few weeks ago that when the last snowstorm melted away, nobody was sure we’d get another winter.

I’ve learned my lesson about nostalgia and humbly request that the universe spare me from teaching it again with season eleven of Vanderpump Rules. Talk about a life lived after the Pumptini shine has worn off and the hangover’s set in.

Better get our rain boots back on and get started, yeah? With this newfound clarity on the weather, I’ve also decided to go on strike from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills until it proves it’s a show worth talking about.

Vanderpump Rules

Katie Maloney

I’ve really come around on Mistress Kate this season. Her new look has taken a bit to grow on her. Thankfully, it’s made enough progress to land a spot in this week’s column. She looks like the type of girl who would go to Rock of Ages in California, which was a Christian rock festival that was popular when I was growing up. It had all types of music, but the band I roadied for mostly ignored the Christian stuff and went for the skaters and NorCal screamo scene. Some of them had paper clips through their piercings or necklaces made of safety pins.

Most had on some variations of the following: To Write Love On Her Arms zip-up hoodie, Hot Topic jeans with the rips up to the vagina, high-top Converse, seatbelt belt and a band tee usually acquired from some band that has since had numerous allegations against it. Once, I saw a couple of gay girls with crushed soda cans in their gauges. I don’t think Katie would have kicked it with them, but I do think she would have secretly envied their self-assurance.

It’s comically freeing that on a show with more NastyGal dresses and bandeau tops than one can feasibly wrap their mind around, here comes Katie in a Zumiez flannel and jewelry bought from some upstart millennial crystal shop on La Cienega. It’s a good look for her! It’s also June. Aren’t you hot, friend?

Katie Maloney and Lala Kent

We talked last week about how Katie stole that shirt from her ex-boyfriend and now wears it exclusively to pick up girls at the pop-up lesbian bar in East Hollywood? This is that girl, to her right. This is the second time we’ve seen hands on the boobs this month — shoutout Guerdy on The Real Housewives of Miami — and it’s time we give Beyoncé’s Renaissance tour jumpsuit its due.

Lala Kent and Ariana Madix

Speaking of people who should kiss, look at these two people who’ve done so already! This is the first outfit I’ve properly enjoyed on Ariana this season. We rail against the rise of low-rise jeans as a society, but Ariana’s made a strong case to the contrary here. I also quite like the exposed mesh periwinkle bra straps when layered with that halter top, even if the cut of it is meant for a braless look.

One can also tell that the clean girl bun has finally crossed over to Instagram Reels from TikTok, seeing as these two have finally committed to traction alopecia should they not properly protect their hairline.

Some Guy and Lala Kent

Brock hadn’t yet gotten current on his back child support by the time they filmed this scene, so let’s penalize him by forgetting he exists. Lala, on the other hand, let everyone in SUR know that she’s the fiercest bitch in the building, considering she rocked on in with a metallic corset over a mesh cheetah catsuit. Hot as fuck! Her glam is also excellent, for once, and I’m happy to report this is her best season yet since she joined the cast in season four.

Lisa Vanderpump

I just needed to point out that Lisa’s Blazer is also a hoodie. Meaning: it's a blazer lined with the sleeves and hood of a sweater. It took me a few minutes to suss this out, considering she’s also wearing a white tank underneath. What a confusing garment! I bet it cost more than I made this month.

Tom Schwartz

As someone who knows what divorced people look like, considering I am one, Tom here is the most divorced-looking person I know. From the corduroy baseball cap to the deep well of despair behind his eyes, he really gives off the vibe of a man who’s utterly given up on life. I’m not sad, considering he utterly loathes women and reminds them of that every time he’s on-screen. More so, it’s like looking at the faded picture of the man I paid a very good divorce lawyer to help me get rid of.

Scheana Marie

When Tom Sandoval sat down to confront Scheana about her podcasting ventures, he laughed and said she was dressed like Y2K Shania Twain. They talked about Y2K fashion and Britney Spears, before the conversation devolved into a shouting match. What a rush! It felt like the very first argument in the back alley of SUR all over again, except with the addition of about $40,000 worth of Botox and Juvederm.

Shania Twain aside, Scheana did brush up against the concept of cunt with this outfit. She’s never really dug her claws into it, balayage and all, but I applaud the effort and encourage further attempts. It’s like she’s in Dark Souls: LA and stuck on the boss fight with the Cursed Queen of Y2K. That’s a gamer joke, to let everyone know I have layers.

Photos courtesy of Bravo/NBCUniversal Media, LLC