So Chic, Very Chic: Angie K Will Always Be Famous

Married to Medicine

Ts Madison

This lady is everywhere these days, and her presence on TV never ceases to bring an immense grin to my face. Here she is getting her teeth done by Dr. Heavenly — breasts breasting, lip gloss on, mug stamped. Her beauty shines through, even under that weird mint bib they clip to your shirt at those yearly teeth cleanings.

Once, I wore this cute Acne Studios tee to the dentist, and when they clipped the bib on, they left a small tear on the collar. The technician said, “Oops,” and joked that thankfully it was relatively easy to find white graphic tees. I grimaced, as I hadn’t expected to get dragged by a tooth nurse on a windy Thursday morning in the Valley.

Dr. Jackie

I’m attempting to control my annoyance at Married to Medicine for ousting Quad’s closet from my Peacock subscription, but I’ll let bygones be for the moment. If my doctor strolled up to my annual physical in patent leather stilettos and a black slip, I’d gag. I would! I’m a simple woman with simple pleasures, and this outfit plucks at most of them.

That said, if that same doctor then proceeded to push an Ozempic prescription on me — like Dr. Jackie here did this week — I’d get a new doctor. Well, not before asking me where she got the shoes.

Toya Bush-Harris

It’s not that I didn’t believe Toya’s bodysuit was Gaultier, I just had to double check. What was it that Luann said all those years ago? Even Louis Vuitton makes mistakes? That seems too harsh, as I wouldn’t call this tattoo bodysuit a mistake. It’s a functional cog in a much larger trend machine fueled by Florence Tétier’s assumption of JPG’s mesh throne. Alongside Mugler’s panel bodysuits, Gaultier’s “cyber dot” collection and broader stretch offerings have completely disseminated into the mainstream.

I still remember the day that all those Soleil diffusion turtlenecks disappeared from The RealReal, and eBay’s offerings of vintage pieces nearly quintupled in price. Simpler times.

Real Housewives of Salt Lake City

Mary Cosby, Ziwe and Heather Gay

Never did I think I’d find myself defending Heather Gay or her fashion choices, which I have described as befuddling, absurd, disingenuous, cheap and downright offensive. Mary Cosby, however, inspires in me a certain boldness I rarely muster up when writing these recaps. While dressed like a sour candy belt that got squashed into the carpet and crumbs under a movie theater seat, she told viewers of WWHL earlier this season that Heather Gay was in fake Gucci. Her reasoning? They don’t make corset tops in a size fourteen.

If Mary had left the Willy Wonka factory she passes off as her home, she’d know that Gucci sells corset tops on their website right now that go up to a XXXL. Not that it matters, of course, because she hasn’t gone shopping for new clothes since Reagan was in office. I don’t think she could afford them anyway, with her appearance this season flopping. Oh, and there’s a recession looming for the congregants of the church she’s been accused of treating like a piggy bank.

Lisa Barlow

RHOSLC may be gone for now, but this picture of Lisa Barlow will live on in my wretched, cold heart forever. Au revoir!

Real Housewives of Potomac

Karen and Rayvin Huger

Readers will know that Karen Huger has never sinned against me. Not once! Luckily, I’m here to report she’s continued that winning streak in the back half of RHOP’s oddly disjointed current season. Here she is with her daughter Rayvin. According to LinkedIn and Instagram, her job is being the daughter of a Real Housewife. That is, she works in marketing and describes herself as a fashion influencer. The material on Instagram fits the bill, and we celebrate her success! For their joint appearance in the booth, they went with a Chanel moment perfectly synced with the end of the Barbie press cycle. Karen has her Ariana Grande ponytail in, and Rayvin looks effortlessly cinched into that minidress.

I don’t think Karen’s jacket should have been buttoned though, if only because it reads as fake when buttoned. Also, I’m going to need a PA to look out for the girls when they sit down in tweed. Someone, likewise, should have caught that Rayvin’s dress had bunched and fixed it before I see her again on Summer House. (She’s absolutely going to show up on some millennial Bravo property, right?)

We caught a glimpse of the Grande Dame before her ascent to fame this week, and I did a legitimate double take at the sight! Has there ever been a Real Housewife who’s seen a glow up this dramatic? Don’t say Ramona, either!

Just look at the mother of DC Metro Area!! This outfit tested me a bit because of the fit in the sleeves or the fact that bust hasn’t cupped her the way it should. Her mug is beat, and the hair is right. Those are given!

The dress she wore to the Mother’s Day function bowled me over for how obscene it was in relation to everyone else’s floral accouterments. She sure can pull focus when she pleases.

Mia Thornton

I usually have nothing nice to say about Mia’s outfits. This week, I’m sad to report, is no different. Her one shoulder crop top and skirt co-ord have all the makings of a halfway decent look, but once again, the fit is entirely wrong. That slit hits her in an odd place and the material pulls oddly across her midsection, making what is probably a halfway decent poly blend look cheap. To her credit, though, her hair and makeup look nice. I almost complimented her, before I settled my eyes on the finer details.

Candiace Dillard Bassett

I almost ignored this confessional completely. In fact, I told my therapist about this dress. She cautioned me that obsession was a trigger for my hypomania, and it’d be best to let things lie. Sorry, therapist, but the mood stabilizers have worked, and it’s completely within my power to be completely normal when describing this one sleeve monstrosity.

It looks as if Lady Gaga’s Super Bowl outfit had almost ripped completely off after she jumped from the roof. It looks as if a Project Runway designer experienced a mental health crisis mid-unconventional materials challenge and left the show permanently. It looks as if a Drag Race contestant had overestimated their sewing abilities for the season five ball, only to sashay away after failing to deliver in the Paula Abdul lip sync.

Why are the sequins blue? Why is the dress a dusty rose? Why am I being asked to pretend like this is an otherwise reasonable thing to wear on television?

On a lighter note, she ended the episode in mourning. I like that this bucket hat has a built-in net so that you can attend a wake, go to church and pop up at the club later without needing to change your fit.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Erika Jayne

Once again, the women of Beverly Hills failed to deliver a glam spectacular, despite the thousands and thousands of dollars they spent flying glam teams to Spain with them. That said, I have a rather dark secret to admit: Erika here has slightly charmed me this season, if I shut my eyes and bang my head against a wall long enough to forget the lawsuits. I’m never quite a fan of these prints, because they are these prints. But it all works quite nice for the disaffected divorcee vibe she’s crafted this season. Too bad I couldn’t grab a good picture of it where she wasn’t eating charcuterie.

Garcelle Beauvais

I’ve been rather complimentary to Garcelle, mostly for carrying this show on her back the last two years. That said, I draw the line at this sequin kaftan. I’m sorry. The color is beautiful, but it’s what I imagine they ship gay people off with when they send them off to die in Palm Springs tract homes. (No shade, thanks for the invites to said Palm Springs tract homes.)

Sutton Stracke

I haven’t talked about this Sutton number, mostly because I’ve had better things to do. But in the absence of good fashions, I must scrape the barrel for something to write about each week. Sutton provides! It’s elegant, romantic and most of all, fits her perfectly. No surprise of course. Sutton’s probably the only one who can afford a live-in couturier.

Real Housewives of Miami

Guerdy Abraira and a Minion

Alexia Nepola

I’m befuddled by this look! I don’t love it, and I don’t hate it. To me, this outfit is in an awkward equilibrium. Parts work, parts don’t, and I’m confused on how to distinguish the two. I definitely don’t think the pants should have been leather. Are they pants? Unclear. They look like they should be pants. The Pamela updo should be bigger, but not too big. And what exactly is this bodysuit? Why isn’t it long sleeve, or a halter? Nothing about it makes sense. I need a mathematician or astrophysicist to make sense of the deeper questions it inspires me — like about the universe and stuff.

Photos courtesy of Bravo/NBCUniversal Media, LLC