So Chic, Very Chic: Hot Girls in Bonnets

A vision came to me in my sleep last night. It spoke of a future dangling by a thread in the multiverse of possibilities, far away yet close at hand. It’s a future in which every piece of mesh clothing owned by cast members of The Real Housewives was stacked into a great pile. There in that dreamland, we burned it and watched as the flames climbed higher and higher. So high in fact, I thought they might reach heaven itself.

There were screams around us, and the gnashing of teeth, until all at once a profound stillness came over those gathered before the cinders. All was now ash, and it softly blew away in the infinite winds of time.

I woke up soon after and wept. It was but a dream, and there was simply no way Bravo stars would part with their garish SHEIN mesh outfits — specifically not this week.

​Married to Medicine​

Dr. Jackie

This is hands down the best outfit I’ve seen on Bravo in some time, even if Jackie wasted it on a lingerie party for a self-professed gold digger on the eve of her wedding to a man who sounds as if the chef from Ratatouille had surgery on his vocal chords to sound more like a rat. The keyhole is positioned perfectly above the navel, the dress fits perfectly, and those lavender fuck me pumps are divine.

In the interest of transparency, I actually hooted and hollered when this vixen came strutting into the sex party. Apologies for being crass, Dr. Jackie, but please give your stylist a raise!

Dr. Simone and Cecil

I’d like to draw attention to Simone’s shoes. They’re the first appearance of what I’ll now call “goofy girl stilettos,” as in, “You’re going to look goofy when you comically slip in them and everyone gets a good look at how you’ve layered a doctor’s coat with a lingerie top that clearly exposes your breasts.”

Toya and Dr. Eugene

I genuinely wish the editors had stayed in closeup for this outfit, because I loved the color on Toya. She looks beautiful. Unfortunately for her, they gave me the wide shot, and I zeroed in on that paneling on the side. Why? Word of advice to all the Bravo stars: Please don’t wear cheap polyester garments to a confessional, where I can spend an inordinate amount of time fixated on their construction.

Likewise, there’s those goofy girl stilettos again! They look like something Angelina Jolie would use to scale a skyscraper in a sexy spy thriller.

Phaedra Parks

I do genuinely believe that Phaedra Parks was brought back to television to punish me for something I did in a past life. I’ve got nothing pleasant to say about either of these outfits, specifically because of how cheap they look on a woman who desperately wants viewers to think she’s swimming in stacks of cash. Maybe she is! Some say she’s the richest Housewife! I would like to see it.

Real Housewives of Salt Lake City

Angie and Shawn Katsanevas

I need my friends to radically intervene on the mental health crisis I’m having if I ever show up to a fast casual strip mall eatery on national television with a 7-Eleven and Subway in frame. God help them if I’m also in pleather pants and a Barbarella spacesuit, or accompanied by a husband who doesn’t take his leather baseball caps off inside.

Whitney Rose

Only the Wild Rose herself is brave enough to leave the house in this specific shade of pink on the mean streets of Salt Lake City. Look how gray everything is around her! Does Salt Lake City always look like that, and if so, how can we bring an end to it once and for all? (Sorry, that sounds more ominous than I meant it to be.)

Heather Gay

I find it moving that Heather’s entire personality is being the awkward girl in high school perpetually intimidated by people who don’t think about her ever. This jacket will need to be retired soon, no matter how much money she spent on it. I like it quite a bit! (Shoutout PAPER fav Chopova Lowena) However, Heather’s worn it on camera enough times to make me think she’s run out of outfits already. We applaud the fashion conscious mindset, even if it makes for unglamorous television.

Lisa Barlow and Angie K

The theme of this week’s function was “Pioneer Women,” and these two turned the party — or churned the butter, as those pioneer women might say. Only Lisa Barlow could make a repressive piece of clothing like the bonnet look chic, even if she also looks comically ridiculous. Angie, meanwhile, looks like Little Bo Peep with a trust fund and a Xanax prescription after she’s returned from an internship in Milan, where she learned nothing.

Real Housewives of Potomac

Mia Thornton

I was practically swimming in perfect bobs last week, so it’s fitting I’d be punished for that gluttony with this confessional look on Mia. Fashion critics and Twitter users throughout time have used Edna Mode — the diminutive designer from The Incredibles — as a pejorative, and this is one of those times.

Karen Huger

Karen walked into Mia’s home mid-confessional and cleaned the place like a bushel of sage. She continued with the Rogue from X-Men look this week in a faux-crocodile, Versace inspired dress. The quilted Chanel bag and David Yurman “Deco Link” bracelet almost ruin the moment, but not quite. Look at her! They could never make me hate you, Karen Huger.

Candiace Dillard Bassett

The editors on RHOP are trying something new with montages this season, and I’m not necessarily against it. Candiace clearly went for a co-ord fit with the matching leather dress and trench, like the heroine in a mid-90s romcom. She lost me, however, when the camera cut to her mesh, sequined sock heels. Why am I being punished by women I’ve never met and how can I atone? You were so close, Candiace!

(A note from the editor: I’m in full support of these fun rhinestone boots, but maybe they would’ve worked better paired with the Prada Cleo Crystal Logo Hobo Bag!)

Wendy Osefo

Wendy’s style has some epic highs and lows, and this is one of the lows. From the pleated silk slit skirt, to the exposed lace bra under lavender mesh and to the tiny purse, every single element is at war with the other. Most depressing, however, is that she’s walking by a Dunkin’ Donuts in it.

Photos courtesy of Bravo/NBCUniversal Media, LLC