It's recently come to my attention that I am obsessed with shield glasses.
Well, that’s not the entire truth. What I love is the effect shield glasses have on the women who wear them. Has anyone seen that Bugs Bunny meme, with the gun? “Lord forgive me, but it’s time to go back to the old me.” That’s what I think runs through the mind of a Real Housewives star when she clicks the order button on Temu, where she buys all her shield sunglasses after the IRS confiscated half her assets.
It’s like the fragmented soul of Jeffree Star is stored away in every pair of shield glasses manufactured, like small tombs. Those with the will to survive his influence come out moderately unscathed, while the weaker Bravo stars suddenly sprout Fendi catsuits like a second skin while walking around in broad daylight with untrimmed mink lashes and fake Balenciaga accessories.
Real Housewives of Salt Lake City
Angie has taken those stiletto tip nails and scaled the power rankings of The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City with an alarming swiftness. Week after week, she’s proved that desperation and marble countertops larger than my apartment are enough to get oneself on television. Her stunning ascent isn’t without danger, of course. There’s vipers littering the cliffside, and Meredith Marks’ discarded prescription bottles.
Thankfully, she’s packed herself with plenty of protection. Namely, these shield glasses which stretch the limits of what could technically be classified as a shield.
Look at them! She’s an icon! That she’s in zero glam with fresh off the plane hair and a pink sweatsuit makes this even funnier. It’s relatable too, like showing up to the gas station at 7 a.m. in snow-dirty Uggs and sweatpants with my Balenciaga Giant City bag, moments before running into a guy who put his hands inside of me last weekend at Voyeur while we shop for sugar-free Red Bull. Definitely not a true story, but what if?
I must also briefly discuss this leopard get-up, which is funnier in context now that the women have lobbed mobster accusations at my queen. She looks like the Greek Carmela Soprano, which isn’t a read. The entire ensemble is quite fabulous, and perfectly on the nose.
The outfit also comes with a warning, courtesy of me: Please beware the leopard print. We haven't seen the last of this particular pussycat this week.
Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
With that out of the way, I’m disturbed by the tie. I wish it was black!I think it’d be funnier if it was black and sparkly, and I won’t have my mind changed in the slightest. (I can already feel my editor squaring up on me.)
The women this week went to Palm Beach, where Luann famously found out about Tom. I’ll never forget it as long as I live! To christen the weekend trip, Julia here put on her best impression of a Palm Beach lady. While I think she was successful in the endeavor, I’m not going to applaud it.
Side note: Do plastic pearls float? Maybe all those fancy women can use them to float to safety when their billionaires’ enclave sinks into the ocean.
I warned everyone! Remember the leopard, lest it pounce.
Lisa here looks objectively fab, regardless of the numerous appearances of this specific look across franchises. I personally think this side part of her hair is tough, but I think all side parts are tough! Conversely, the diamond jewelry over the gloves is camp.
Married to Medicine
To deliver the invitations, she wore a black trench and Gucci head scarf, complete with fishnets and a pair of shield sunglasses. Oh, my heart! She likewise had her “butler” — she literally calls him her butler — and her driver dress in similar attire. The look gives M from James Bond if she slayed like, 30 percent more than she already does.
At the funeral itself, she arrived as a lady in mourning, saddled up in the arms of some hunks she probably paid under the table to help get this skit in order. I wish the flowers had also been black, but I’m sure she was shopping on a budget.
Mind you, nobody knew why they were showing up to a funeral home, let alone at midnight. This coffin wasn’t there to begin with either. It was carried in after the women had already taken their seats. Suddenly, up comes Quad entirely in white, silhouetted by the words “Mother” embroidered on the underside of this pristine coffin. Mother indeed!
Now, the dress itself was a tough sell once Miss Quad fully came out of the tomb. I will never use my precious editorial space to endorse blazer dresses, let alone sleeveless blazer dresses. But mother does as mother does, and who am I to tell her otherwise?
Real Housewives of Potomac
Candiace Dillard Bassett
It’s not that she doesn’t look radiant — she always does! But the dress doesn’t quite fit right and the glam isn’t impactful enough to pull away from her lack of visible accessories. For any onlookers, I implore you: When donning animal prints, lean into it, please! They’re silly, so you should look silly.
Photos courtesy of Bravo/NBCUniversal Media, LLC
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