So Chic, Very Chic: Shield Glasses Anonymous

So Chic, Very Chic: Shield Glasses Anonymous

BYJoan SummersDec 08, 2023

It's recently come to my attention that I am obsessed with shield glasses.

Well, that’s not the entire truth. What I love is the effect shield glasses have on the women who wear them. Has anyone seen that Bugs Bunny meme, with the gun? “Lord forgive me, but it’s time to go back to the old me.” That’s what I think runs through the mind of a Real Housewives star when she clicks the order button on Temu, where she buys all her shield sunglasses after the IRS confiscated half her assets.

It’s like the fragmented soul of Jeffree Star is stored away in every pair of shield glasses manufactured, like small tombs. Those with the will to survive his influence come out moderately unscathed, while the weaker Bravo stars suddenly sprout Fendi catsuits like a second skin while walking around in broad daylight with untrimmed mink lashes and fake Balenciaga accessories.

Real Housewives of Salt Lake City

Angie Katsanevas

Now I can’t stop thinking about shield glasses. Shall we discuss the women who love them? (But mostly Angie K.)

Angie has taken those stiletto tip nails and scaled the power rankings of The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City with an alarming swiftness. Week after week, she’s proved that desperation and marble countertops larger than my apartment are enough to get oneself on television. Her stunning ascent isn’t without danger, of course. There’s vipers littering the cliffside, and Meredith Marks’ discarded prescription bottles.

Thankfully, she’s packed herself with plenty of protection. Namely, these shield glasses which stretch the limits of what could technically be classified as a shield.

Look at them! She’s an icon! That she’s in zero glam with fresh off the plane hair and a pink sweatsuit makes this even funnier. It’s relatable too, like showing up to the gas station at 7 a.m. in snow-dirty Uggs and sweatpants with my Balenciaga Giant City bag, moments before running into a guy who put his hands inside of me last weekend at Voyeur while we shop for sugar-free Red Bull. Definitely not a true story, but what if?

I must also briefly discuss this leopard get-up, which is funnier in context now that the women have lobbed mobster accusations at my queen. She looks like the Greek Carmela Soprano, which isn’t a read. The entire ensemble is quite fabulous, and perfectly on the nose.

The outfit also comes with a warning, courtesy of me: Please beware the leopard print. We haven't seen the last of this particular pussycat this week.

Meredith Marks

Meredith took too many sleeping pills with her wine and found herself marooned in bed with an IV. Sad! While she’s technically not in an outfit here, I just wanted to point out how glam it was to get your face beat while full of Benzos in a massive king bed in Bermuda.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Erika Jayne

This confessional look is a few weeks old now, but there simply hasn’t been much room to discuss it. (Not with all the stunts Phaedra keeps pulling on Married to Medicine, at least.) Let me start off with what I like: It fits her fabulously, and the hair is just right for what it is she’s going for. I applaud the effort, considering she had about a hundredth the money to pay her stylists in the wake of all those convictions and liens and auctions lobbed at her ex-husband.

With that out of the way, I’m disturbed by the tie. I wish it was black!I think it’d be funnier if it was black and sparkly, and I won’t have my mind changed in the slightest. (I can already feel my editor squaring up on me.)

Garcelle Beauvais

I love Garcelle. She’s good for the show, despite what her critics say, and lacks the acceptable amount of self-awareness to still make fun television each week. That said, her taste levels are perplexing. Everything about this is weird. The hat, the sleeveless trench coat vest, the accessories. She’s like if Sherlock Holmes was dressed by Detective Fierce.

Dorit Kemsley

This is another crunchy confessional look that’s gone a bit stale. When I first settled my poor eyes on that ramen noodle clip on, I laughed and then got so intensely sad I thought about re-upping my mood stabilizers. The whole look is as if Christine Baranski’s character on The Gilded Age got sucked into a time machine and plopped into the dressing room of Dynasty in 1983, where they thought she was an ill-dressed extra in need of some more satin.

Larsa Pippen

It’s probably rude to pick this look apart, considering Larsa has her hands full babysitting Michael Jordan’s son on and off television. However, for a woman with seemingly as much money as she purports to have, why do her confessional looks always read this cheap? Not only does it not fit, but it looks like it came in the mail late from PrettyLittleThing and her assistants didn’t have the time to steam it out. Sad! At least her hair cost more than I’ll make this year.

Julia Lemigova

The women this week went to Palm Beach, where Luann famously found out about Tom. I’ll never forget it as long as I live! To christen the weekend trip, Julia here put on her best impression of a Palm Beach lady. While I think she was successful in the endeavor, I’m not going to applaud it.

Side note: Do plastic pearls float? Maybe all those fancy women can use them to float to safety when their billionaires’ enclave sinks into the ocean.

Lisa Hochstein

I warned everyone! Remember the leopard, lest it pounce.

Lisa here looks objectively fab, regardless of the numerous appearances of this specific look across franchises. I personally think this side part of her hair is tough, but I think all side parts are tough! Conversely, the diamond jewelry over the gloves is camp.

Married to Medicine

Phaedra Parks

Let me be very clear: This week on Married to Medicine, Phaedra Parks staged a fake funeral and resurrection ceremony for Quad Webb, who’d recently been excommunicated from the group after alleging one of them staged a home invasion.

To deliver the invitations, she wore a black trench and Gucci head scarf, complete with fishnets and a pair of shield sunglasses. Oh, my heart! She likewise had her “butler” — she literally calls him her butler — and her driver dress in similar attire. The look gives M from James Bond if she slayed like, 30 percent more than she already does.

At the funeral itself, she arrived as a lady in mourning, saddled up in the arms of some hunks she probably paid under the table to help get this skit in order. I wish the flowers had also been black, but I’m sure she was shopping on a budget.

Quad Webb

I want this image in the history books. I want this image projected on the side of the White House. I want this image put in a capsule and sent to the moon. I need this image to be remembered for a millenia!

Mind you, nobody knew why they were showing up to a funeral home, let alone at midnight. This coffin wasn’t there to begin with either. It was carried in after the women had already taken their seats. Suddenly, up comes Quad entirely in white, silhouetted by the words “Mother” embroidered on the underside of this pristine coffin. Mother indeed!

Now, the dress itself was a tough sell once Miss Quad fully came out of the tomb. I will never use my precious editorial space to endorse blazer dresses, let alone sleeveless blazer dresses. But mother does as mother does, and who am I to tell her otherwise?

Real Housewives of Potomac

Candiace Dillard Bassett

That is correct! Bravo has not one, not two, but three whole leopard confessionals on air at the same time. I smell a trend at TJ Maxx next year! Whereas the other women above pulled it off, I think this look is a tough sell on Candiace.

It’s not that she doesn’t look radiant — she always does! But the dress doesn’t quite fit right and the glam isn’t impactful enough to pull away from her lack of visible accessories. For any onlookers, I implore you: When donning animal prints, lean into it, please! They’re silly, so you should look silly.

Photos courtesy of Bravo/NBCUniversal Media, LLC