The Wheel of Bravo turns, and seasons come and pass, leaving casts that become legend. Legends fade to GIFs, and even the GIFs are long forgotten when the seasons that gave them birth come again. In one season, called the eleventh season of Vanderpump Rules by some, a season yet to come, a season long past... a wind rose in the Santa Monica Mountains.
The wind was not the beginning. There are neither beginnings nor endings to the turning of the Wheel of Bravo, but it was a beginning.
Born high above the mansion dotted Hollywood Hills, far past the ocean, the wind blew east, out across Southern California, once the shore of an even greater ocean, before Scandoval, before Lisa Vanderpump first stepped out at LAX. It snaked its way through West Hollywood, back over the hill to Studio City, where two women walked up to the counter at a smoothie shop on Ventura Boulevard next to a Supercuts. For all the summer heat, one wore a white blazer that belied the purity of her spirit, while the other wore a floral slip more reminiscent of the season. Together, they cried about breaking up and breaking down in a strip mall parking lot.
Sorry, everyone! I’m re-reading The Wheel of Time these days, and all of Robert Jordan’s flowery fantasy prose must have infected my writing sensibilities. Apologies for re-writing the opening paragraph of The Eye of the World!
Let’s dig into fashions.
I’m always very confused by the blazer habits of the young and famous. I understand the appeal of blazers. I understand being in a post-cheating scandal daze that causes you to put on a white blazer in the June heat of Los Angeles. I also understand, even if I can’t support, pairing that white blazer with a workout onesie in olive green. But what I can’t support is this bun situation. I love you, Ariana. But that’s one road I can’t follow you down.
I feel like Ariana was sent an avalanche of PR after Scandoval. As a group of people that overly relies on downline fast fashion to fund their television endeavors, that avalanche was just about the worst thing that could have happened to any of them, Ariana included. This outfit should work, but it doesn’t. I think it’s the visible logo, and the fact the top is made out of that cotton they use for the same tank tops Costco also sells — and which I rely on in the summer, to be clear. I’m also puzzled by how the pants are designed to look like there’s a bit of peekaboo thong. Just have a peekaboo thong, then?
Ariana Madix and Katie Maloney
Here’s what Katie and Ariana wore to host Emo Nite. Katie does indeed look like someone who wandered into the My Chemical Romance reunion tour. That’s her ex-boyfriend’s shirt, which she stole, and now wears exclusively on dates with bright-eyed girls in fast fashion army jackets at Honey’s, over in East Hollywood.
In all seriousness, though: I love this new look on Katie. That’s a genuine compliment from me, genuinely.
Scheana Marie and Lala Kent
Onto the opposite end of the fashion spectrum strut Scheana and Lala, who showed up to Pump’s closing party looking like the millennial reboot of Romy and Michelle on Hulu. I don’t hate these outfits, because they aren’t really outfits, are they? These clothes might as well come pre-packaged with those old paper doll toys — easy to swap in and out with ease without ever really being worn.
That said, pink is a fab color on Scheana.
Scheana also popped into the studio this week looking like Madison Beer’s evil older sister. I love her down boots the house, as the evil gay people in my head just forced me to say, but she must let the bandeau tops go. Rule of thumb: if the bandeau top comes with a gimmicky strap, like leather or chain or macrame, leave it on the rack!
Ally debuted her astrology business this week. I bet she’ll make a nice chunk of change milking the barista paychecks of delusional VPR fans over Zoom. However, since she’s in the startup phase of her venture, the seed money went to things like ring lights and a comfortable office chair instead of confessional outfits.
I mean, my god. Is this dress made of the crinkly plastic they put chips in? She’s on television! Surely she could have scammed a nice box of goodies from IAMGIA, or however you spell it.
If there’s one thing Lisa Vanderpump is gonna do, it’s wear hats and look like the Queen of England’s long lost stepsister from Dulwich. I’m fascinated by her commitment to these hats, because they are just that detached from the reality of her surroundings. I mean, look at my sister in the white romper behind her! It’s like they just thawed her from a thousand-year-old block of ice.
The Real Housewives of Miami
The women of Miami were marooned on a haunted island in Mexico City, full of decapitated baby dolls and spooky spirits. While most of the women stayed boatside to cry about the demons, Lisa here bravely ventured out with her iPhone to hunt for ghosts in Pucci. Her courage temporarily endeared me to her, despite what a selfish witch she’s been this whole cast trip.
Lisa Hochstein and Larsa Pippen
No ghost hunter can succeed alone, and so Lisa took Larsa and her BBL here for protection. What a pair! It’s fascinating that they wore this to the haunted island of cursed dolls. There’s something poetic in this moment, but out of fear for spiritual retribution, let’s all leave it unsaid.
Adriana de Moura
Gay icon Adriana performed her bubbling under single “FYAH” at Mexico City Pride. The look is right, the song is right, even the lipsync track was right! She has all the makings of someone who shows up halfway through the Pride mainstage to lipsync a song you’ve never heard. She’s even got the classic rainbow feather wings to match!
It’s a much better gay pride experience than what the attendees of Virginia Pride were subjected to, that one year Ashley Darby showed up.
This look made me scream. I’m serious. Every time I look at it I start screaming again. It’s just so silly! That said, I’m mad the top isn’t gloved on the hands. Seems like a missed opportunity to round out what will soon become the funniest thing I’ve ever seen on television.
Julia Lemigova, Lisa Hochstein, Nicole Martin
I’ve ragged on Julia’s looks the last few months, and I’ve included this here to show that I can, in fact, be nice to my favorite lesbian housewife. She looks bad as hell in this! Tits out, serving bob. Contrasted with whatever the hell Lisa’s got on, she might as well be dressed for the Met. Bravo!
Sutton revealed this week that she’s big on bears. Get in line, girl! Here she is revealing to her gay best friend her deepest desires, which is fun. She seems like the type to need a big man in her life to pick her up and carry her around like a doll. Again, get in line, girl! It doesn’t help that she dressed like a doll, either, but let me not speak ill of Dolce & Gabbana where advertisers can see.
Erika is committed to looking like a wicked Disney villainess this season, as she is so often characterized by her cast and the press. It’s a look that mostly suits her new features, not at all caused by Ozempic use! This lip shape especially works for her, as does this half-crescent cut crease. I’m also fascinated by her commitment to a downturned eyebrow, which not many can commit to in this political climate of feathery pomades.
Kyle Richards, Sutton Stracke, Annemarie Wiley, Garcelle Beauvais, Crystal Kung Minkoff, Dorit Kemsley
I’m really struggling with this cast this season, because they’ve given me nothing conclusive to talk about in weeks. It’s shocking that the wealthiest women are also the worst dressed, at least for their tax bracket! On Bravo, that’s an achievement deserving of recognition.
This week’s lackluster Spain trip fizzled out at a dancing excursion, and the group wore red to celebrate yet another dinner where they talk about nothing and resolve even more nothing. Sure, okay! Here’s to hoping they show up in something worthwhile when they’re reunited with their closets next week.
Photos courtesy of Bravo/NBCUniversal Media, LLC
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