So Chic, Very Chic: Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!

Have you seen the Kamala Harris memes? Every single day, I log in for my shift at the dick-kicking factory, X for shorthand, and am immediately confronted at the timecard puncher with a mashup of Kamala’s coconut speech and a Kim Petras song. Back on the factory floor, my fellow workers and I scurry about, dodging those new robots management has brought on to replace us eventually. They cheerily say hello in that monotonous drawl before launching into a rendition of Britney Spears’s “Work Bitch” with Kamala sandwiched in.

At my station, I pack up people’s Temu orders of novelty Kamala Harris x Dua Lipa merch while my coworker hums along to “Hot to Go,” except the chorus is about how we all live in a context or something. I sneak away to the bathroom at lunch to smoke a roach into the ceiling vent, but there’s a shift lead standing in the mirror, trying to hit the “Apple” dance except with a big break in the middle where the vice president’s laugh is.

On my way home from work, I finally get to smoke that roach and hit up the Taco Bell drive-thru, where Kamala is printed in garish colors on the side of my coconut flavored Baja Blast. Home is no sanctuary either. Bravo has wiped clean all of its programming to air coverage of the vice-presidential debates, except it's all been edited like Lee Dawson’s Rupaul’s Drag Race recaps that were popular awhile back.

Eventually I turn in for the night, utterly hopeless. As I drift off to sleep, I whisper on loop, “I guess the coconut doesn’t fall far from the tree, because I’ve been looking at you so long. Now I only see me.” If it seems I’ve run this joke into the ground, imagine how everyone else feels when the hordes of X zombies retweet Photoshop edits of Kamala Harris over pictures of Chappell Roan.

Regardless, there’s another obsession we should talk about this week: The Real Housewives of New Jersey’s addiction to off the shoulder tops.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey

Danielle Cabral

Danielle, patron saint of New Jersey and the queen of tacky glamour, wore two different off-the-shoulder tops this week. It was just about the only thing to look at, except for some polyester dresses sandwiched somewhere in the middle that Melissa Gorga probably ordered off AliExpress. I quite like her sherbert drapery! It makes me desperate for some water ice.

The Real Housewives of Dubai

Chanel Ayan

This Michael Cinco look is stunning. Rumor is it was also in a museum? I heard that from a very reliable source (check back in next week). As its a pseudo-fashion show, it feels wrong to critique this in the same breath as off-the-shoulder tops, but my god! This fashion bitch really brings her best each week.

There are designs that stick in your brain forever; this will definitely be one of them. Yes, it is patently absurd. Yes, it is totally unrealistic in its utility as an item of clothing. Yes, she looks like a villain in a fantasy/sci-fi show from the ‘90s. Yes, it's literally couture. Kudos, Harvey Cenit! Together, these two form the backbone of the new Bravo order, literally revolutionizing the kinds of things we might see onscreen. Sure, if I saw it in public I might literally burst out laughing, but only from the deep affection I now feel for Ayan!

Sara Al Madani

We’ve discussed this before, but Sara stepped her game up this season. Credit where credit is due, even though it might have been inspired by Ayan’s couture parade each episode. The colors here give her an air of witchyness that matches her crunchy, overly-saturated spirituality posts on Instagram. The sort of deep-fried images that we’d otherwise post as memes like, “Me when I drink Celsius,” and it's a guy ascending to the astral plane while making love to himself in the fourth dimension. Anyway, I’ve gotten away from this dress. What a moment for her! Even the glam excels here, as does the low-key styling. Sometimes, a dress is a necklace!

It’s funny, because for all her fashion evolution, she spends the rest of her time dressed like Carmen Sandiego before she steals a jewel. Actually, I don’t think I know what Carmen Sandiego has everyone up in arms about. I was busy playing "Freddie the Fish" and "Pajama Sam" on my parent’s living room computer and never bothered much with the lady in the red trench coat. It’s a trench coat, right? And she has a hat? And she’s always on the run? I think that’s it. Well, this is what she looks like now, after discovering yoga retreats in Bali.

Taleen Marie

Speaking of giving people their proper dues, I’d like to formally apologize to Taleen for saying she couldn’t dress. I’m pretty sure I said that, because I felt it up until five seconds ago. It’s not that this is a good outfit, per se. It’s a slight twist on the Mugler catsuits and structured gowns that have become the norm for confessionals across Bravo, but it is an outfit. One I wasn’t immediately repelled by! I do think she needs to figure out the accessories before I see her next, even if the show’s wrapped up by now. Just look at that necklace!

The second outfit, with the heart shaped top, mostly reminds me of Ariana Grande. Well, maybe not Ariana. It’s more Madison Beer, don’t we think? She was supposed to be in that video, after all.

Caroline Stanbury, Lesa Milan and Chanel Ayan

What’s “double, double, toil and trouble” for three people? “Triple, triple, foil and tipple?” We’ll get there, eventually. What I love most about this shot is that they’re all dressed for completely separate occasions (glad to see the spirit of Fifth Harmony lives on in this cast). Caroline Stanbury is dressed like a RuPaul’s Drag Race UK contestant who got lost on set, only to end up in the background of The Hunger Games scenes in the Capitol. Lesa is attending her own wedding, except she’s changed out of the gown into a party dress she can get drunk in. Chanel, meanwhile, is prepped for a cover shoot with Vogue Arabia. I’m so happy they all wound up on the same couch!

Caroline Stanbury

Speaking of Effie Trinket, Caroline returned later in the episode, still pioneering new shapes for up-dos unlike anything ever seen before. (Except in those hairpieces contestants in drag pageants were so obsessed with in the '90s.) Unironically, I think this outfit is delicious. She looks like a boozed-up, late-‘70s housewife about to rip through the swingers party after she finishes her spritz.

Lesa Milan

Woah, Lesa! This two piece is stunning and also angelic. Yes, that is quite a literal description for it, but come on! She’s like a seraphim who’s come down from the heavens to hawk maternity wear and Dubai tourist pamphlets. Chanel Ayan’s impact continues to be felt across the confessionals this week!

The Real Housewives of Orange County

Shannon Beador

Unlike her other castmates at times, Shannon usually shows up in real clothes that cost real money. It’s why we love her! Well, that, and the rather obvious drinking problem and penchant for being the main character of the universe, eternally tortured, forever fighting demons. This color is quite pleasing, even if they’ve graded her confessionals to look like the flashbacks in a true crime cable docuseries about women who killed their husbands.

Later in the episode, this chic bitch stepped out in Givenchy to confront her ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend. The tits were out, her legs glossy, hair big: all the trappings of a good outfit that I am predisposed to love! That she broke the fourth wall in it near the end of the episode, a moment that quickly went viral, means it will also live on forever in gay people’s group chats when talking shit about people they hate. I love that for her.

Tamra Judge and Heather Dubrow

As we’re back to three Real Housewives shows on TV at once, and it was the premiere, let’s knock these out quickly. Purple is Tamra’s color, and she should wear it more often. The dress fits beautifully and for once, I don’t hate the cold shoulders on it. I find them quite elegant! The choker adds to the effect, I think. Likewise, I don’t quite love Heather's purple number, but I do like her commitment to impersonating Bree Van de Kamp from Desperate Housewives.

Gina Kirschenheiter and Emily Simpson

For once, Gina looks ... pleasant? It’s a bit unfortunate that nobody caught her smashed under boob when she sat down to film this look, but something about it works for me. Even if she’s one more disco ball appliqué away from looking like the cocktail waitresses that also juggle fire and walk on stilts at celebrity birthday parties. As for Emily, isn’t it funny that swimsuit coverups are just regular clothes now? I’m not hating, I promise.

Katie Ginella and Alexis Bellino

This is Katie’s first time in the confessional booth, so she gets a pass for this extremely serviceable dress. I’m a bit bored of encrusted hems this week, but her glam is flawless and her boobs look perfect. Speaking of encrusted hems, here comes Alexis Bellino to show off her one shoulder suit dress and deep side part!

Alexis Bellino

The encrusted hems continued out of the confessional booth, when she rocked this little pink number to confront Shannon about her new boyfriend, Shannon’s loser ex John. Whoever convinced her out of the center part between this scene and the confessionals post-season is a hater who wants to see her fail! (Aside, what is her necklace exactly? Is it a bar with a square-cut diamond on one end? Is that a normal type of necklace?)

Photos courtesy of Bravo/ NBCUniversal Media, LLC