So Chic, Very Chic: Wanna Smoke Some Weed?

Can I ask a serious question if everyone promises they won’t get mad at me: When did we unilaterally agree to live in a world where people wear ostrich feathers to lunch?

It’s not that I’m opposed to the look of ostrich feathers, sans the ethical issues around the real ones, but I worry about the health risks associated with eggs Benedict and a side of fluorescent pink ostrich droppings. When they line the cuffs of Zara blazers and Revolve sale section dresses, doesn’t anyone worry about them getting grimy from spilled coffee and subway dirt and self tanner?​

If anyone from the ostrich feather garment lobby would like to reach out to PAPER for official comment, feel free. In the meantime, let’s dig into this week’s looks.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Erika Jayne

There’s something very Lynchian about this shot: the lighting, the framing of the black car and its interior, the gloved dress and Barbie doll beachy wave.

Looking at it reminds me of a nightmare I had once, where I was trapped in the home of my millionaire lawyer husband in Pasadena. I knew his business was shady, if only because the couture and diamonds he gifted me were stained red with other people’s blood and misery. No matter how far I walked down any of the marbled halls of his estate, I never found an exit. They’d stretch on and on and on into the yawning abyss, until one day, a mysterious figure with a shadowed face appeared to me in my walk-in closet.

He offered me a deal: In exchange for my youth and reputation, he could guarantee my freedom. As he laid out the terms, he stretched out a bony hand and offered it to me. I took it without thinking, and suddenly found myself in a suburban I couldn’t remember climbing into. The passenger door opened up into the unknown, and as I stepped out, I woke up screaming.

Oh, and Dorit Kemsley was there too.

Real Housewives of Potomac

Gizelle Bryant

Oh Gizelle, or Gizzy, as Karen likes to call her. Back again with more feathers! It sometimes feels like I’m Sisyphus, rolling the boulder up the hill as my punishment for all eternity, except the boulder is made of blue ostrich feathers, and it’s extremely large because of something about mass and weight and gravity. I watched a science experiment on a pound of feathers and a pound of rocks on Youtube in like 2007 and am fuzzy on the details, but I’ve definitely beat this joke into the ground just enough to make the analogy clear.

Hold just a moment, though, because something wicked this way comes!

Robyn Dixon

I’m also 99 percent sure Robyn and Gizelle coordinated with the blue, considering Gizelle’s somewhat reviled reunion dress last season. That, or they can’t afford to not share the same stylist. Either way they look silly, and this outfit is especially silly.

Statement bows are a fun way to fuss up an outfit — or Housewife — with very little personality. Sadly, there’s a math equation about the ratio of bow to personality that must be strictly adhered to, lest the whole thing explode in everyone’s faces. I’ve roughly outlined it below:

I think the teacher who failed me out of Statistics in high school is probably eating his heart out right about now.

Karen Huger

I previously said I wasn’t going to focus on confessionals, and that was true at the time, until the women of Potomac decided to dress like anime villains this week. That said, I would lay my life down for Karen, who consistently delights me with the positively absurd things she says and does and wears on camera. The theme for her this season is “cunty stunty,” and she’s stuck to it ruthlessly. This hair is divine, and her breasts look ridiculous. Were I still a teenager on the internet, I’d say something like: “She could murder me in this outfit.”

Real Housewives of Salt Lake City

Lisa Barlow

Speaking of women I’d die for, Lisa Barlow just walked in! Shield glasses are the norm this season on Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, and I’m told by friends who escaped Utah’s clutches that it has something to do with snow blindness. Sadly, I’m from California and don’t speak in cold weather, so every new pair of goggles I’m introduced to still generates plenty of giggles and squeals.

That said, she’s like if Kill Bill were made by Diablo Cody instead, and rather than get revenge on her ex-husband, she went on a mission to destroy the customer who left a bad review on her medspa in the Valley.

While I texted my friends “baby gorgeous” like the joke was still funny, Lisa here studied the blade. At the very least, she studied how to waltz into restaurants brandishing her Fendi First Midi bag like one.

Yes, I’m including Lisa twice this episode because this is how she dressed to shop at a strip mall missionary supply store, next door to a Subway and dialysis treatment center. Unsurprisingly, everyone in there thought she had been airdropped into their spooky boutique by aliens that love athleisure, fake fur and Chanel quilted crossbodies.

Real Housewives of Miami

Adriana De Moura

Because I have good taste, Adriana here is one of my favorite players in the Bravo universe. She’s funny, gorgeous and excessively dramatic. So dramatic, in fact, it's sometimes a shock to me that she manages to function in polite society at all, let alone keep all the hair on her head after her cast mates spend each season dragging her by it.

This confessional here is the best she’s ever looked and a near-perfect rendering of her personality made manifest by her styling choices. She tipped the goofy beret just so, like a Parisian dilettante. The pattern on the dress is ridiculous, and eye-catching. Her glam is also a perfect deployment of a red lip, something most of her peers on reality television struggle with. I also appreciate that she opted out of a goofy glove, a crucial decision which somebody like Dorit Kemsley would have fumbled over.

Guerdy Abraira

When Guerdy stepped out the Escalade in this gown, I legitimately gasped. She’s never looked more regal, let alone for someone battling breast cancer. The dress had some slight fit issues, but I’m willing to overlook them, if only for the trim on the cape, which was just about 10 feet long. She also matched the nails — the mark of a true creative eye. What is it they say? “If you’re not wearing nails, are you even doing drag?”

Married to Medicine

Phaedra Parks

Married to Medicine has a big wedding moment next week that started at the tail end of this week’s episode, so I’ll save those looks for the next installment. In the meantime, I’d like to point out a few things seen in the image above. First, why is Phaedra’s table so high, and why does it look like she’s sitting in the Mad Hatter’s seat from Alice in Wonderland? Second, neons are fully back in trend, which means everything old is officially new again, and I’ll have to go dig out my Zumiez wardrobe circa 2011 — the last time this shade of pink was something we confidently shopped for. (It’s now the third appearance of it on camera in two weeks!)

Photos courtesy of Bravo/NBCUniversal Media, LLC