'Vanderpump Rules' Did Its Big One

Everyone knows that famous poem, sung like a prayer from hell, by the iconic, worldwide hit band Dena Deadly.

It goes something like: "Light up the sky, burn it up like a candle. When life gets hard or too hot to handle, all you need is love and a boom box to make this world rock and bump till the groove stop. We are young and we′re free. Only thing that we need is a moment to be a little wrong. We were born to ignite, burn a hole in the sky. You and I will be forever young. You know that it's our time, these are the best days of our lives. Just raise your glasses high — this one's for you tonight."

But did you know there's a lost verse, eroded by the winds of time on the marble tablets Dena Deadly etched this great epic upon? Thankfully, I went to community college for archaeology, and through extensive research, I've recovered the lost verses. They go something like: "Fill em up, raise em up, get em up high, live it up, raise it up, up to the sky. Just raise your glasses high, this one's for you tonight. Stayin′ out late, living under the street lights, drinking all night. We can sleep in our free time. Saving our breath till the time that we need it, want it so hard you can see that we bleed it."

I'll need a moment, as I find spiritual texts and scripture deeply moving. It's the perfect ode to Vanderpump Rules, the defining text of the 21st century that existed once as a cipher for the lost youth of millennials, and now, the wasted potential of their ancestors: OnlyFans models and vertical video actors who bartend on the weekend in West Hollywood.

While I collect myself, want to see what these crazy kids wore to their very first reunion?

Vanderpump Rules

These beautiful children bring me joy. But like any good and attentive mother, I'm going to have to scold them: this is your first time on television and you get one last chance to dress correctly. Natalie, you're exempt from this lecture, because you're my sister. The rest of you? I don't want to see illusion lace between the bust or ill-fitting suits by the next time we see you on this god damn reunion stage. Imagine I have a pretend gun and I'm emptying the clip into the sky as a warning like its a Harmony Korine movie.

Angelica

Here's what happened to Angelica this season: she did a flip against her will and hurt her back. She scratched at Shane's door after he curved her on national television. She spread a rumor about a penis pump. Lastly, she trapped her body in this boob prison. There's something uncanny about the look, which almost makes me circle back around to almost liking it. She's like a Barbie doll my grandpa keeps in a box in her closet. It's a commemorative doll for something that happened in the '80s when things like Barbie dolls in boxes really mattered to people like my grandma.

That said, I love the color — it's an exquisite blue, and would look even better on an actress at the Oscars a few decades ago I could only witness through my grandma's tube television.

Venus

What was it Lady Gaga said? VENUS! I think Venus is just about the most beautiful person alive. His perfectly laid and totally silky bundles make me scream, and I really root for his continued crusade against the heterosexual agenda in West Hollywood — even if Lisa Vanderpump has only given him $500 dollars and a dream to carry it out.

That said, I simply cannot co-sign this top and pants combo. It's something a mean-ass gay that worked at Forever 21 would wear in 2014. His name is Mikey and he's a bit too into talking about Miley Cyrus's Bangerz. He's a real estate agent in Florida now but for a minute, he literally ruled the world (and terrorized me while I was shopping for cutoff denim shorts with an American flag across the ass.)

Venus, please don't take this personally. I love you! Come chat with me for this column literally any time.

Audrey and Natalie

This is the angel and the devil on the shoulder of the average Revolve customer. Audrey whispers motivational quotes she heard on Call Her Daddy in one ear while Natalie asks if she's heard the latest episode of The Viall Files in the other. I'm realizing now that I'm describing the same girl, which makes sense, considering these two are different sides of the same coin.

I like both of these looks for different, totally conflicting reasons. Audrey's is fun in the way that a Cinemax spoof of Wheel of Fortune would be fun. (See Audrey, I think we can all be comediennes.) Natalie's is fun because I've sat next to this girl at Bar Primi in Midtown. We ordered the same spritz and cheersed to the weekend. I followed her on Instagram on my way to the bathroom but she never followed me back, and now I watch her Instagram stories and seethe over the queen-outs we'll never have.

Lisa Vanderpump

Lisa Vanderpump showed up once again looking like a Vegas magician who works off the strip. You can hire her for weddings and funerals and she charges by the hour, cigarette breaks included. She'll tell you that one time, back in the day, she saw you know who do a bump off that other person's dick at an afterparty in the Pink Flamingo. Later, you find out she never filed the paperwork to seal your nuptials to the guy you met off Hinge while on a live, laugh, love retreat in Charleston at the height of the pandemic.

Shane

Here's the guy you met off Hinge in Charleston. That's actually far too generous to Charleston, as they don't make men like this on King Street. By that I mean: they don't make men who look like someone in a Hims ad on the billboard over the Yoshinoya on Santa Monica and Vine. He's selling you erectile dysfunction medication, which you don't need, because you heard on a podcast they put hormones in the Yoshinoya beef bowls that help with that sort of thing.

Demy

They're saying that Demy is the most powerful woman alive. Who's they? Well, them of course, those people who say things like that. They're also saying that this is the best dress on the reunion stage, which isn't saying much but is saying something. Natalie's look is exempt, if only because it's technically a two piece. If they counted those garments, it'd be a fierce tie they'd probably get into a screaming match over in the middle of SUR we'd see next season via CCTV footage.

Marcus and Kim

I've really struggled to write this particular blurb, if only because the sinister aura emanating from Kim's ashy blonde gave me a panic attack I'm still calming down from. I refuse to comment on Marcus' patterned shirt until he admits that he was crushing on Venus and those floral pants.

Eyebrows

I just thought it necessary to mention, one last time, this man's eyebrows. They're really something! I hope to see them again next season so I can comment on them more than his young Paul Rudd haircut.

Images courtesy of Bravo/NBC Universal