So Chic, Very Chic: Fear and Loathing in Charleston

Every week, I am reminded that Charleston, South Carolina is a city that has not one, but two whole reality shows dedicated to about three blocks of street in what passes as their downtown. There are lovely people in most places, like I’m sure there are in Charleston. But have they found any to put on TV just yet? Not really!

Lovely might be in short supply, but thankfully, mess and aesthetic injectables are abundant in the South’s hottest new bachelorette destination. Southern Charm, Bravo’s gruesome plantation fantasy, practically reads like a Juvederm ad for men. Women too, but haven’t we taken enough whackings for our Botox budgets?

As for the fashion, it’s nice to see AliExpress propping up the boutiques of small town America! The show is usually edged out of these fashion roundups each week, partly for the aforementioned fashion, and partly because there’s just too many of these damn shows. Thankfully, a lapse in the schedule has afforded it some breathing room this week, featuring enough outfits over 11 episodes to fill the column space The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills does in one scene.

Shall we?

Southern Charm

Madison LeCroy

Princess Diana of the South is just about the only person worth watching this show for, and she accounts for most of the reason I still watch it outside of work. She’s funny, intelligent and beautiful enough to wreck J.Lo’s marriage to pro-athletes. That said, I like her the least in confessionals, where she’s been removed from the Betty Crocker fantasy she’s built for herself. This dress is tough, like most dresses on this show, but the voluminous side part and icy-white highlights more than make up for whatever is going on with the neckline. It’s like looking into a mirror that shows what we wore in 2015, don’t you think?

Speaking of Betty Crocker, here she is in her element: melancholy, married and more beautiful than any woman on earth ... for the 15 minutes she’s on TV every week, of course. Her husband is battling cancer this season, which has been devastating to witness, and her beauty has somehow blossomed in the role of grief-stricken homemaker. Whether she’s consoling him on the golf course or on their palatial patio, there’s something eternally radiant about the beachy waves, slick ponytails, collared golf dresses and wispy white napkin frocks. If there is a standard imposed on Southern mothers and wives to rich and powerful men, I think she’s the mold. It’s also shocking how effective it is on me each week, a feminist writer and briny critic. I should be above such effusive praise for the strictures of Southern womanhood, but alas! Those beachy waves got to me.

The fantasy breaks down somewhat when she shows up in scenes wearing outfits sent to both her and Paige, who’s been a regular this season. We forget that they’re both in the pocket of Big Amazon until the pink terry cloth co-ord rears its ugly head. While not terribly offensive at first glance, the looks arrive a full year in-universe post-Barbie. A jailable offense in my books, and that’s before we get to the matching belt or bra top.

Paige DeSorbo

Since Paige is just a guest in Craig’s Treehouse of Horrors, she hasn’t received a confessional look this season. She has, however, shown up in a Baggu hat at a bee farm. I practically jumped out of my seat and said, “That’s the Baggu hat!” Everyone wave at it before it sells out again.

Venita Aspen

Venita is an influencer and fashion lover: two words that rarely precede good tidings. For the most part, her styles this season have been totally inoffensive, bordering on fun with an opposing border on cringe. There’s a lot to like about this first dress, between the peekaboo lace and odd floral detailing. My personal favorite touch is the high collar, except I wish they’d managed to construct it in a way where all the flowers don’t bunch up and ruin the visual effect. Still, it’s the exact right dress for an updo and too much blush, and she’s nailed it.

This second look is rougher, between the lack of ironing and the too-big sleeves. I believe it’s the same designer as another dress seen on The Real Housewives of Potomac.

Molly O’Connell, Paige DeSorbo and Venita Aspen

These three looks best personify what the show gives each week: normie, tasteful dresses and denim and linen shirts and updos and chunky highlights and self-tanner.

Leva Bonaparte

Fans of Southern Hospitality (the better show) will recognize Leva as the headmistress of Republic, Charleston’s singular club. No, seriously. It’s the only club in Charleston, and everyone on this show has either worked there or gotten blackout and hooked up with someone who works there.

As the Lisa Vanderpump stand-in, Leva usually resorts to more formal clothing. Here, however, she’s dressed like those early seasons of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, when Lisa Vanderpump’s persona was less “frumpy old British landlord” and more “busty sexed-up British landlord.” It’s fun! Even if corset dresses will be the thing we look back on like peplum tops and white bandage dresses of yesteryear.

Salley Carson

Salley is a newcomer this season. She’s some sort of doctor and also a reality television personality. I’m sure by this time next year, she’ll have launched a health and wellness platform for pilates fanatics with a subscription based podcast to match. Why else would a doctor that looks like this choose to hang out with the booze fiends on this show?

Despite being central to some drama this season, however, she hasn’t gotten much confessional time to stretch her fashion legs. I’m mostly ok with that, because this red dress and spray tan disappear from memory when I close my eyes at night and only re-appear when I sit down to write about them.

Taylor Ann Green

Dear, sweet Taylor. Tortured, dating Craig, then breaking up with Craig, now dating some other guy. And all the while, she’s spent half her time this season scowling in a corner, and the other half crying in a corner. She’s been through a lot, not to mention her brother’s death and her ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend and her new boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend still hanging around. It’s more than any woman should take! To play fair, even though I do want to talk about these looks, I’ll keep things simple: The first is totally atrocious and that dress should be torched, while the second is totally fun and she should lean into Nashville bartender as her look next season.

Patricia Altschu

I couldn’t remember which of these looks I’d already torn apart this year, so why not re-litigate my deep hatred for both? Patricia is the Wicked Witch of Charleston, a role she takes to gladly, and dresses the part. If she’s not in some garish kimono fished out from the bargain bin at a Palm Springs “vintage” store, she’s in some other garish blazer with ostrich feathers glued to the cuffs. Her hair is as dry as the well of sympathy for women she has inside herself — her personality too, or her martinis. But those felt like low bars to clear with my usual metaphors.

Whitney Sudler-Smith

As for Patricia’s son, Whitney, he’s popped up this season just a handful of times. Once, in a suit, slurring his words and falling on the ground. The second time in a tracksuit, slurring his words and drinking at noon with his sunglasses on inside. If I walked into any establishment and saw him sat there dressed like this, I’d turn and leave, thinking it was a place for either alcoholics, the mob or businessman to hire people to sit on cakes and food while they watched.

Photos courtesy of Bravo/NBCUniversal