The Irrational Rationalist’s Holiday Gift Guide
BY
Jordan Bradfield | Dec 10, 2025
I’ve always been obsessed with things.
Weird old things. Inexpensive, interesting things. Outlandishly lavish things. Obscure things. All the things. I once came home from an elementary school book fair, age nine, beaming because I was certain I’d found my future car. I unrolled my newly purchased poster to reveal a burnt orange Lamborghini Gallardo and excitedly proclaimed, “This will be my car someday.” My parents didn’t exactly shut it down, but the message was clear: people from where we come from don’t buy things like that. Even if we could—we wouldn’t. Too flashy. Too wasteful. They weren’t trying to kill the dream, exactly, just temper expectations.
But I held firm. I was determined to leap that cultural gap, by sheer will if I had to, and claim the car (and, by extension, the life) of my dreams.
I do not have that car. But I did just buy a burnt orange Birkin and justified the purchase by noting it was cheaper than the Lambo. I love that bag with the same emotionally-charged fervor I feel for my thrifted Jeff Gordon T-shirt. They are both irrational and deeply rational expressions of joy. As I may have mentioned above, I just love things.
All of this to say: the holidays are my happy place, arguably my favorite time of year. A sanctioned season of judgment-free indulgence, dedicated entirely to the art of giving and getting things that will be cherished forever. It’s the time of year where treasure hunting (as I like to call it) isn’t a frivolity. And with all the work we put into scouring for the right thing to gift the ones we love, don’t we deserve to treat ourselves along the way?
These sales basically rationalize themselves.
So in the spirit of excess, emotional purchases and exquisitely curated logic, I present the irrational rationalist’s holiday gift guide – for all the gifts you should treat yourself with this season. Because truly, any self-gift can be justified... if the rationale is good enough.
Casio: The Baby-G BG169M-4
It tells time globally, has five alarms, a countdown timer, a stopwatch, and a full auto-calendar. So basically, it's a personal assistant in a sporty pink resin shell.
Bottega Veneta: Intrecciato Leather And Suede Shirt
It’s a shirt, a jacket, a boxy mini. Versatility that amortizes itself into oblivion.
The Skateroom: Untitled #92 Cindy Sherman Deck Set
It’s asset diversification — with the option to hang it in your hallway.
ACNE: Multipocket Grained Leather Bag
One bag to replace five. Storage efficiency that pays for itself.
Casio: Baby-G + Plus BGD10K
It tells time in 30 cities, has five alarms, a countdown timer, a stopwatch, pixel animations, water resistance, shock resistance, and transforms into a charm—and you’re hesitating? At this point, not buying it feels financially irresponsible.
Chopova Lowena: Red Tartan Rain Bonnet
Weatherproof and heirloom-ready. This is generational wealth disguised as headwear.
Collina Strada: Charcoal Flames Star Hoodie
Ethically made, emotionally stabilizing. It’s not just fashion, it’s civic duty.
FREECITY: SUPERVINTAGE YUMM OG Sweatpant
Mental health matters, and feeling, even delusionally, like you just worked out will save thousands in therapy down the line.
Mother Denim: The Burnout MOTHER Candle and F#CKER Candle
Lighting this instead of screaming is emotional maturity. Ambiance + inner peace? Priceless.
Isabel Marant: Bekett Sneakers
They lengthen the leg and support the arch, basically a medically necessary expense disguised as fashion.
Kiehl's: Advent Calendar
24 days of skincare = one month of structure. Like a wellness coach, but travel-sized.
Jonathan Adler: Xanax Pill Box
A daily reminder to take your vitamins = future savings in health care bills.
Maison Margiela: Loved to Death Pump
Wear them 2,000 times and the cost drops below a dollar per wear. That’s called ROI.
La Roche-Posay: Anti-Aging Four Serum Set
Suddenly the Botox budget is looking very... discretionary.
LOEWE: Large Marihuana Candle
Preemptive emotional regulation that lasts longer than an eighth. Every burn is basically saving you money.
Nike: Shox Z SE
Shock absorption = self-preservation. Think of the orthopedic co-pays you’re avoiding.
Foundrae: Lovestruck Pierced Diamond Initial Pinky Ring
File the receipt under personal branding. If it’s a tax write-off, it’s practically free.
Thom Browne: Funmix Prince of Wales Armband Overcoat
Less coat, more wearable trust fund. You're just securing your daughter's future in finely tailored wool.
Willy Chavarria: Diablo Bodysuit
When one piece covers squats and strobe lights, that's efficiency you can feel.
Uniqlo: POP MART Half-Zip Sweatshirt
It’s a seasonal uniform. Buying now simply prevents future impulse purchases.
Urban Outfitters: BAGGU UO Exclusive Teddy Bear Nylon Crescent Bag
Reduces plastic and the need for therapy. A sustainable twofer.
PRADA: Pop Strings Key Chain Charm
Doubles as a backup strap. Technically an insurance policy for your designer bags.
Vaquera: Slip Dress T-shirt
Two-in-one means one less decision to make, one less item to buy. Time and money!
adidas: Argentina 26 Home Cropped Jersey
A going-out top and a game-day jersey? World Cup-level efficiency that cannot not be ignored.
Lamborghini: Temerario
Fulfilling childhood dreams prompts long-term psychological wellness. It’s healthcare in car form.
Select products in this guide were included as part of a paid partnership.
