What You Missed Last Month in New York City (According to Linux)
11 April 2022
This is What You Missed Last Month (According To Linux), in which nightlife it-girl Linux takes us behind the velvet rope and into the VIP section of Scene-City. Through her extreme (sometimes exaggerated) lens, Linux gives us the tea on what really happened at every party-of-the-century that floods our Instagram feeds. (A note from the author: don’t take what she says too seriously — she’s just a club kid after all).
March is the month to party. I mean, it’s literally written on the calendar. The month begins celebrating Women’s History, ends with Trans Day of Visibility and the drunken-hetero-haze that is St. Patricks Day lands somewhere in the middle. For someone like me, who’s trans, cis and Irish all at once, that’s an entire month dedicated to getting absolutely black-out sloshed!
Oy vey... so many parties, so little time! But have no fear, my fabulous readers: I attended each and every event this month in Empire City, from star-studded Gala’s in the Upper East Side to needle-filled warehouse raves, and I can’t wait to tell you all about everything that happened at them. Or, what I remember, at least.
In honor of the women who came before us that marched for suffrage and equal pay, I’m marching, as well... to the club! Now, let’s go!
After nearly two years since closing its doors, Spring truly became a moment for new beginnings when New York’s most "New York" downtown spot, The Box, reopened in full force. There’s few places in this city where you can "end up at" three nights a week, every week, without getting bored. This nightclub-cabaret is easily one of them.
The Box first opened over 10 years ago in the heart of LES on Chrystie and Rivington. (Blair Waldorf and Chuck Bass even partied there in Gossip Girl S1E07 back in 2007!) The Box waited a year longer than most venues to return, which actually worked out in the owners’ favors, as it's all anyone wants to go to these nights. The two-story club has the interior of a 19th century theater, with both floors centered on a small stage. Without a doubt, The Box is one of the hardest doors downtown. If you don’t have $10,000 to spend on a table reservation, you’d better make sure you look like $10,000.
On the first day of the month, it was the Box’s floor manager (and my best friend!) Jessa Angel’s birthday. We all decided to start her year off right with a wild night out at her stomping grounds. We got there around midnight and were immediately escorted to her table right in front of the stage. The Box has three showtimes: 1:15 AM, 2:15 AM and 3:15 AM. The basic format of each show is their MC, Rocky Lanes, comes out for a major choreographed and themed live song, then introduces two guest numbers, does a second song and then the final number.
Throughout one night if you are able to make all three shows, you will see a total of about 11 numbers. Listen to me when I tell you, these performances are absolutely batshit crazy! I’ve seen a Hillary Clinton use her vagina to lip-sync "This Land is Your Land," a guy staple his dick to his girlfriend's pussy and plenty of other shit that I’ll definitely need to see a therapist about.
The only thing better than watching the show is seeing the audience’s reactions. The clientele on the first floor includes billionaire trust fund kids, high-class escorts and princes from Dubai. The VIP opera-balconies upstairs are where the A-list celebrities, UN Ambassadors and their entourages go to see the show with a little more privacy. In one night alone I’ve seen Azealia Banks, Timothée Chalamet and Cara Delevingne. (All at separate tables!) If you want to truly test how cool you are, try to get passed the door any time after midnight. Tuesday through Saturday, The Box will never let you down... well, if you can get in!
Everyone’s favorite-to-hate rave producer Seva Granik took a little hiatus from throwing his once-monthly traveling party Unter since his last one in Red Hook back in December. "Warehouse deficiency," Seva claimed, was the reason there hadn’t been another Unter in almost two months. If he’s going to put Unter’s name on it, he’s going to do it right.
Unfortunately for Unter, however, the moment Seva scouts a new warehouse and throws an Unter there, the wannabe raver implants that invaded New York during COVID snatch it up no less than a month later. Alas, finally after two months, Unter found its new temporary home in the form of an abandoned indoor skating park in Bushwick. The Unter flyers are always iconic and abstract. (There’s an entire photo book of them for sale... its giving art!) This time, the flyer looked like a detective’s evidence bag after a violent crime of some sort, and as with all of Unter’s invites, you have to investigate the nooks and crannies in order to get the info on where and when to go.
I’m a raver diva and like to get to Unter around 2 AM. Trannies get in for free, so I take my time! They blast the fog machines to the point where you can’t see more than 5 feet in front of you, so everywhere you go gives a total vibe. Unter is all about creating an atmosphere, and if dancing on a half pipe with the most alternative New Yorkers to Berlin techno until 10 AM isn’t atmosphere, I do not know what is. And, just as expected, the wannabes poached the abandoned skate park and there was another party there no less than two weeks later. And they didn’t let me in! Can you believe?
In 2014, I was attending high school in Wisconsin oozing over how fun New York City looked through the social media lens of Frankie Sharp. And what was he doing? Frankie had the party world looking at him as he took over downtown with his function, Westgay: an epicenter to the nightlife renaissance happening in NYC at the time, where cool-kid legends like Amanda Lepore, Ryan Burke, Domonique Echeverria partied with baby-club-kid versions of Aquaria and Sussi.
Unfortunately, right when I moved to NYC to join the party, Westgay’s venue, The Westway, had to end Frankie’s night, leaving Westgay no more than a legendary sparkle in the city's distant memory. Ten years later and Frankie is on top of the world. Owner of Q Club and multiple Glam Award wins later, Frankie decided to pay homage to where it all started by throwing a 10-year Westgay reunion.
Although I didn’t host the original, it was an honor to be among the new generation of kids who hosted the event. This reunion was one of the most beautiful, energetic parties I’ve been to in NYC. Frankie brought together legends like Charlene, Bailey Stiles, Nita Aviance, Will Sheridan and William Francis to revive a once-lost era of New York Nightlife that, deep down, still lives in us all.
All night long, a crew of muscle men porn stars gogo danced on stage in front of a giant "WESTGAY" neon sign. The cherry on top of this already-major party? Material Girl Saucy Santana and RuPaul's Drag Race contestant (and likely winner) Willow Pill performed — a magical combination of the past, present and future. After almost 30 minutes of shows, icons of then and now danced and partied until almost 5 AM. And when I tell you we partied... we partied.
I’m an extremely unbiased party girl. Yes, I may have my own respective spot in the scene and specific parties I prefer. That said, a superpower of mine is being able to have fun absolutely anywhere, and that’s what makes me so good at telling you guys what you missed each month. My regular readers know I love a celebrity-filled Met Gala after party, but when it’s time to get nasty with the circuit gays, Anna Wintour takes a back seat!
Ric Sena, legendary circuit party producer, invited muscle gays from all over the world to invade Avant Gardner. The Brooklyn space has a 6,000 person capacity, with tickets selling out in the first week. "Alegria,” the party’s called, which means joy in Spanish. At massive events like this, it's easy to feel intimidated. Alegria, however, is different. From 10 PM until 10 AM, shirtless men pack into three giant rooms and dose themselves to oblivion. Peak time to arrive is 3 AM; that way you miss the crazy line and have just enough time for two cocktails. (The bar closes after 4 AM, so you’re stuck with drugs and water.)
I met up with my drag race sisters, Kandy Muse and Dahlia Sin (out of drag, obviously, those queen love to cruise). You’d think by 5 AM the party would start to die down, but that's actually when the festivities were just beginning. As the entire dancefloor became an orgy, the stage filled with dancers, each in a different costume inspired by famous Broadway musicals. I know, Broadway can be so tacky, but there was something so un-tacky about seeing a roided out Book of Morman character and a BBL'd witch from Wicked do choreographed numbers to a circuit remix of "WAP" as the sun rose.
It’s best to wear sunglasses at Alegria, because let’s face it: sunglasses in the club make you and them look better! Pro-tip: if you go super deep into the crowd, you can smoke cigarettes while you dance without security being able to find and yell at you. Gotta pee? Be careful, the giant bathrooms are more of a breeding ground than an Equinox steam room. You’re more likely to piss or shit in someone’s mouth or ass than an actual toilet. By 8 AM it's best to leave, as the muscle bears all turn into junkie zombie G-queens. Ahh... joy!
Photography: Megan Walschlager
Art direction: Chris Correa
Styling: Airik Prince