I’m not particularly superstitious. God overshadowed a rather significant chunk of my life, and as a young person, I found the whole thing rather silly. It’s reductive to talk so casually about it at my big age, but I really did find the dealings of a man in the sky almost comical. Why would he want to watch me have sex with my high school boyfriend? Stay out of women’s business, I’d say.
As I’ve gotten older though, I’ve come around on the idea that there’s something afoot in this snow globe we’ve been trapped in. Sometimes, when I’m off the weed and feeling pensive, I can feel the forces out there shaking it all up for fun. It doesn't always take drugs either. More often than not, reality television has been enough to convince me that something’s out there, forcing people to live in Burbank by the airport, or wear blazers and snapbacks to dinner with your work frenemies.
I shouldn’t be so flippant about the dark forces plaguing the cast of Vanderpump Rules, though. What has transpired over the last year has opened a portal into some dark dimension, and all sorts of unspeakably evil phantoms and goblins have come crawling out into the streets of WeHo. I’d pray for their souls, but I’ve suddenly decided I’m just superstitious enough think otherwise. Best not cross my third eye chakras with theirs, or whatever it is that Katie Maloney’s reiki healer would say.
Let’s talk fashion instead.
Ariana Madix and Katie Maloney
To be completely real, Katie’s dress is not the worst. Normally, my free time is spent telling my fashion editor about that lady’s terrible sartorial choices, but she’s actually been spared my wrath in these new opening credits. The color works for her! Even if it looks like they’re stuck in the sort of sandwich shop I’d find myself in when I’ve stopped smoking weed and started having nightmares again.
Ariana, also, is in a perfectly serviceable dress. I do wonder if her clothes are sponsored this season, or if her stylist has just pushed her a bit too far in the wrong direction. However, at risk of summoning up a mob in my mentions, let’s move on.
Tom Sandoval and Tom Schwartz
You know that slime they used to shoot at Katy Perry’s face on children’s television? I heard a rumor once that it never actually decomposed in the trash island off the coast of California. Instead, years and years of intense heat and pressure from rotten Blue Apron boxes and SHEIN clothes slowly molded it into a sort of super slime. Those same rumors also said that super slime gained sentience when a bottle of broken nail polish caused a chemical reaction in its molecular structure, and when it emerged from trash island and washed up on the shores of Santa Monica, it looked just like Tom and Tom here.
Also, just note that they’re dressed like Ken and Lisa, their progenitors. I know these two are trapped in a pyschosexual mind prison of their own making, but my god, could they at least try to beat the allegations?
Lala Kent, James Kennedy and Scheana Marie
Oh, brother. Isn’t it interesting that Lala is always dressed like a bottle girl in these opening sequences, while Scheana is dressed like the fifth runner up in the Little Miss Toluca Lake Pageant? I actually like her dress to be clear! It’s just an interesting contrast, considering they’re sat up in a restaurant that none of them work at. (Except James, in a weird way.)
If there’s anything to be said about Lisa Vanderpump, it’s that the woman is consistent. Sure, she has a pet cemetery in the backyard of her Beverly Hills manse. Sure, she’s the reason Jax Taylor ever made it to television. Sure, her conquest of WeHo resulted in a complete restructuring of the social fabric of the neighborhood, at least for a time. But you know what? At least she’s consistent.
Katie MaloneyIn many ways, I like that Katie has leaned into her new look as the headmistress of an all-girls dance academy in Arizona. The hair and makeup almost work for her here, and recent photos prove she’s grown into the new do since summer 2023. That said, it’s fascinating that Kyle Richards has spent half the season on RHOBH dissing Sutton in confessionals and waving off divorce rumors in this exact same dress. It’s interesting! VPR is just Real Housewives now.
We’ve seen a lot of oddly constructed minidresses on Bravo in recent months. From key holes in weird places to thigh slits that go up past the pussy, it’s nice to return to Los Angeles and see those same things rendered in polyester and sequins. I mean it! It’s like returning home from a long trip to discover your leftover pizza has seeded a small colony of mold monsters in the fridge.
There are few sins I’m less likely to forgive like wearing your own merch on television — let alone the number one show in America. If that merch is also an esoteric slogan ripped from an Instagram story in which you shouted at the former mistress of a co-worker you didn’t even like that much in the first place, we’ve completely jumped the shark. Send it to Darrell? Send it to the fucking garbage! (Sorry, Lala! I actually felt moved by her in this episode.)
This blazer situation isn’t so bad, even if I think it needs a drop pendant and wispy strands to frame her face. I appreciate that she’s committed to always looking exactly like herself, traffic cone nails and all.
Speaking of blazers and traffic cone nails, here she is with an oversized blazer, tank top and snap back. I feel like we’ve slightly lost the plot when it comes to what is acceptable to be paired with a blazer, but again, she looks exactly like herself!
Speaking of women who’ve found a look to adapt with each changing trend cycle: Scheana Marie, everyone! Notice the brown leather pants, which were big on Bravo last year. She also has a deeply down-line Mugler top and that purse all the influencers took with them to Erewhon last year. (It can fit like three Bella Hadid cookies.) Still, she looks just like the Scheana Marie who wobbled into Villa Blanca with purple eyeshadow and bubblegum pink lip gloss ten years ago! Except now she can afford a colorist to keep up the chunky highlights.
Lala also paired this catsuit — and we know how I feel about catsuits — with teensy tiny pumps. It speaks for itself!
I’d also like to briefly touch on this dress, which Ariana wore while dancing around in TomTom for a crowd of adoring fans. If Mulholland Drive was made today, do you think David Lynch would have put Naomi Watts in this dress? The entire scene felt Lynchian, like they were trapped in the Red Room sequence from Fire Walk With Me. Maybe they should cast Ariana and Katie in the remake.
Photos courtesy of Bravo/NBCUniversal Media, LLC
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