Hell Finally Froze on 'The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City'

Rather than wax on with a non sequitur I tie back to Angie Katsanevas' penchant for a bold red lip, let's talk about fashion. Because after this season of The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, there isn't much left for me to say but opinions on fashion.

It's been a slog of a season in the back half, after the highest of highs early on. Sparks flew at Amy the Utah Socialites McMansion and, judging by the performance these women put on for her guests, I figured those same sparks would roar into flame. Instead, they merely lit a tire fire. It was beautiful at first, after the psychic made Lisa Barlow cry while Angie played with her daughter's toy horses. But the toxic fumes soon choked out all life left in me and on the show, melting down over the following twelve episodes into a puddle of sludge in the shape of Greece and also Heather Gay's discarded mattress.

So, let's just talk about the fashion, will we? The doctors said I shouldn't use my brain to hard after inhaling the fumes.

The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City

Gorgeous, gorgeous girls! It will shock nobody to hear me say that Angie was amongst the best dressed this reunion — although, for the future, I'd suggest she stay away from the color red. If you know, you know! Besides her, Lisa looks totally serviceable, as she often does. Heather is dressed like Jean Smart in season one of Hacks in a sequence that illustrates her need for a fashion reinvention. Meredith looks like a woman who'd rather be anywhere else but the benefit for cancer hosted by her cheating husband's business conglomerate. Mary is appropriately dressed like a woman who runs a church everyone describes as a cult and Whitney is just happy to be included.

Oh, and Bronwyn? We'll get to Bronwyn later.

Mary Cosby and Whitney Rose

As a result of their frequent clashes early in the show's history, Mary and Whitney work quite well as foils to the other. Here is the prim church woman, harried by familial trauma and a tempestuous home life, clawing at the wallpaper of the attic room she's trapped herself in. In lieu of true social mobility, she dresses herself like a children's mental image of a rich and powerful woman in a storybook.

Conversely, Whitney, let loose of the shackles of religious control, runs headlong into the tanning booth, adorning herself not in the jewels and silks of Mary's closet but instead with tight and stretchy fabrics of all sort, girlish and sexual all at once. Like Barbie's kid sister in a bandage dress. The demons of sexual and social repression still haunt her, like Mary, but they are channeled into a total lack of inhibition, rather than a complete atmosphere of barely maintained control.

On the subject of these outfits — well, I just described them, didn't I? The sheer gloves and tennis bracelets say more for themselves than I possibly could.

Meredith Marks

Lisa Barlow

I wish Lisa would show us her boobs more, because look what nice boobs they are! I am less interested in this rather banal dress, which is about as "OK" a dress can possibly hope to be in this world. At least she walked herself to the L'oréal Féria aisle at CVS and picked up some new box dye before the reunion. I only want to see my Lisa overly tan and freshly dyed. Give me jet black hair to the ass, or give me nothing!

Angie Katsanevas

I need Angie to step away from red, because it looks so good on her and is simultaneously such a loaded color! would have much rather this been pink, or blue, colors that look equally beautiful on her. There's even a purple variety of this Maria Lucia Hohan dress that would have been absolutely stunning on the couch, and been a nice dig at Lisa's purple dress and their mutual codependency.

Regardless, the girl looks gorgeous. I specifically like how she let her hair down, for a change, after last reunion's equally good updo.

Bronwyn Newport

Now Bronwyn. I know you have all the money in the world, and you have specifically enough money to pay someone to color match lipstick properly when on television! She is a stunning woman held back by her glam team, who insist on these heavy eyeliner looks and too-bright blushes. Likewise, I miss the long hair! It's like she took all the wrong notes from the column this season. We wanted a softer palette, not a nude one! We wanted brighter eyes, not more black liner! We wanted a fuckass bob, not extensions!

Regardless, it's hard to criticize this dress, which is simply stunning in the wide shots. First seat! A promising position that carries a heavy burden — just look to your left at Angie!

Heather Gay

Here comes the bride... sorry, it seems I mixed the order of things up. The bride is to her left, this here is the mother of the bride! It's an equally noble profession with a slight ignoble wardrobe. For a woman who is keen to prove how young she feels — and is, to be clear — Heather chose a rather matronly look for such a big stage. What gives? It's like that time Lana Del Rey wore a Dillards dress to the Grammys.

Britani Bateman

Britani tried her hardest. She often does! I want to give it up for Britani, both as a woman in this world and a woman on this show. She gave it her all, and even though she fell flat on her face time and time again, she got back up and kept falling. Where did that path of tumbles land her? A residency at 54 Below, thank you very much! I was in the audience at her first run of shows, and guess who I spotted in the crowd? Audra McDonald, who very much seemed to be enjoying herself. Kudos, Brit!

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