So Chic, Very Chic: Second Wives Club

There’s something so chic about a second wife.

First wives deal with the hideous shit. The adjustments to reality, the lies, the affairs, the offshore bank accounts, the missed birthdays and children’s recitals and school pickup schedules. Second wives have all the fun. They’re younger, generally, with their whole lives ahead of them. She knows herself, and she’s seen shit you couldn’t imagine.

But she’s also slightly glamorous. The second wife knows that the first wife couldn’t make it and shouldn’t have made it, because then the second wife would be nothing. And so she sugars and waxes and picks and prunes; she carefully curates only herself, never the husband. The dresses are tighter, hair larger, more full of the secrets she keeps to herself and the other second wives she keeps around as minions and spies. They’re enemies too, after a fashion, but the sort that keeps things competitive and exciting.

The second wife knows the thrill of the hunt. She knows what the wind feels like in her hair on the Pacific Coast Highway in a man’s midlife crisis convertible Mustang. She knows the pleasantries of the dinner party and a salty breeze as it wafts through an impromptu vacation. The second wife knows about the other women in her husband’s phone; she even knows where to properly hide the ones in hers.

But most importantly, the second wife remembers how it felt to open the email from Bravo’s casting agents, informing her she’s been selected for the newest season of her local Real Housewives franchise. Shall we talk about what she chose to wear this season?

The Real Housewives of Potomac

Stacey Rusch

Stacey hosted a dog charity for the hotly anticipated The Real Housewives of Potomac finale. Perhaps not hotly anticipated, but I did want to know the context of why the mid-season trailer heavily featured a literal parade of dogs pissing and shitting themselves all over the floor of some rented Washington, D.C. ballroom.

As it goes, dog charities have led to some truly memorable moments on these franchises, between the various Vanderpump Rules marches spearheaded by Lisa, or that time Tinsley Mortimer hosted a dog fashion show for the general public and told viewers she finally felt like an it-girl again. Viva la Tinsley Mortimer! Stacey now joins the pantheon of iconic dog fashion shows, what with all the pissing and shitting and vomiting that transpired. And just look at this wig! It’s the most mind-boggling thing I’ve seen since headlines that Donald Trump intends to dismantle the Department of Education.

Her final confessional look of the season isn’t as memorable, but it is quite good regardless. I’ve grown so used to the wild pageant drag she’s been propped up in all season that I forgot there was a regular human woman underneath! The way the rhinestone chain is used to create the neckline is a nice enough detail, as is the neckline and color. What’s not so nice is her cut crease, which is about the only thing I could look at for the three total seconds we saw this look.

Wendy Osefo and Happy Eddie

I’m going to miss Wendy’s major fashion swings, because let me not understate it enough: They were major, major swings. From Michelin Man tire sweaters to chromatic cut out dresses, from butterfly appliqués to asymmetrical tulle epaulets, the woman has basically worn the entire Party City fabric range. I’m here for it! Here she is with her entrepreneur husband Eddie, who looks dashing in this slightly ill-fitting suit. He’s lucky to be seated next to Barbarella herself.

As for her yellow pantsuit in the White House, this yellow tulle something or other is talking so loud that I can’t think or type straight. It’s just sitting there, yapping propagandistic nonsense at me, which is sort of fitting, considering the former White House Press Secretary is also in the room.

Ashley Darby

Ashley Darby reheating other Real Housewives' nachos — water is also wet! Ostrich feathers are ostrich feathers, and little black dresses are little black dresses. Put them together, and one has a little black dress with ostrich feathers. It’s not rude to say this is the best she’s ever looked, because it is. Perhaps it’s also the hair, which she usually struggles with. This warm reddish-brown is totally divine!

Karen Huger

Here’s Karen making a deal with the devil to get herself out of a guilty verdict for that DUI charge. Sadly, the devil foreclosed on her soul when she couldn’t make the interest payments, and now she’s stuck awaiting sentencing for something her lawyers should have known better than to fight.

Many people describe things as Lynchian, but in context, this shot is quite Lynchian! Like something out of The Return, when the characters suss out the primordial evil that’s been haunting them was born from the explosion of a nuclear bomb, or whatever it is that happened on that show.

Ashley Darby, Karen Huger, Gizelle Bryant and Wendy Osefo

I’d like to talk now about their outfits for the final party of the season, because they were spectacularly camp. They’re all dressed for VH1 Divas Live,but different eras, naturally. Karen’s giving Mary J. Blige from the 1999 concert, while Wendy is a gussied up Aretha Franklin from 2001's The One and Only Aretha Franklin. Ashley’s like if they added a hood to Mariah’s sequin dress from the 1998 concert (if you haven’t seen her perform “Make It Happen” with hair tall enough to tickle heaven with, do so now.) As for Gizelle, she’s just happy to have been invited to sit in the audience at all, let alone see the greats do their thing!

Southern Hospitality

With all the reunion fervor sweeping Bravo at the moment, I’ve been neglecting our other franchises and B-string shows. Thankfully, we’ve mostly got the fuss out the way, so why not check in with Southern Hospitality?

Emmy and Will

It’s been a minute since we’ve seen Will, as the opossum-turned-human boy decided to go to law school and become an even worse version of himself. Worse yet, he’s refused to set Emmy free, and so the two have spent much of the newest season shame-spiraling while everyone looks on in abject horror. For their romantic yacht date, which she skipped out on a waitressing shift for, she got dressed up, and he did not. She remarks on this, to which he responds, “My shirt has a collar!” That it does, Will. Nice to see all that cheating and drinking hasn’t robbed him of his senses.

As for the confessionals, Emmy’s vibe this go-around is “tight and right.” She’s showing off her new body, and it’s a commendable effort, even if she still hasn’t quite figured out what to do with it. This color is beautiful on her, and it’s nice to see she chose to match the eyeshadow. I saw that technique once ... on Project Runway, was it? While I’m no big fan of this 21st century trend of giant flower appliqués, there’s worse things a woman could do. Like date Will! Oh, wait.

Lake

Lake here is named after a lake, where she was supposedly conceived. Her parents are divorced now but still rich enough to own multiple homes on said lake. Good for them! What’s less good is this dress, which is the sort of thing you order on Nasty Gal when you’re 19 and feeling like you’ve finally come into your own as a woman. The seashell cup breasts and jacquard fabric don’t help much, even if rose is totally her color.

DJ Maddi

Maddi is back, thank the heavens. I’ve spent much of the season wondering about the mechanics of this ensemble. Is it a dress with severely large cutouts? Is it globes, a bra, a capelet and a skirt? Is the top one thing and the skirt another? I’ll probably never have answers, nor would I want them! That said, it’s funny she styled the rings over the gloves. Very RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 13 of her.

Leva

The self professed Lisa Vanderpump of Charleston can’t give up the suit motif. She thinks it makes her look like a business professional, which it does not. It makes her look like the cast member of a reality television show in Charleston. In fact, it makes her look like she works at the restaurant where they all work, which she does, and she spends most her weekends carrying signs with Taylor Swift lyrics on them to drunk sorority girls and bachelorette parties, which she also does, I’m pretty sure.

Photos courtesy of Bravo/NBCUniversal