So Chic, Very Chic: ‘The Valley’ Reunion Is Bad for (Fashion) Business
BY
Joan Summers | Aug 07, 2025
This is So Chic, Very Chic, PAPER’s examination of Bravo’s sprawling cohort of fashion obsessives. From haute couture to TJ Maxx, they’ve literally worn it all. Sometimes they stunt, sometimes they turn the look, and sometimes they burn holes in retinas my ophthalmologist says might never heal.
I think I am comfortable never discussing this season of The Valley ever again. At least after this brief detour into what the cast wore to the reunion.
The season started strong, girded by narratives about divorce and the stories women tell themselves in order to live. But as the episodes continued, Bravo’s new star vehicle quickly careened off the Malibu cliffside, plummeting into the dark embrace of Jax Taylor and his death cult — mainly minions Janet and Jason, who took his bait about Danny and Nia’s marriage and ran with it all season.
This is not to absolve Danny of his sexual transgressions. I don’t even mean to equate Janet, a mildly infuriating woman with dry hair, with Jax, an actual wife abuser. But by the season’s conclusion, I was left frustrated and restless by the state of things, once the smoke of the wreckage had cleared. Jax was allowed to walk away in his lifted sneakers, off to terrorize Britney another day. Janet was thinner and more smug than anyone has any right to be, least of all on Bravo. Britney was left to fear for her life and protect her son. Zack and Jasmine were on the outs with everyone, while Kristen served as the sole voice of reason. Even Michelle and Jessie’s squabbling had equalized into a white noise of sorts, like the voices my Animal Crossing islanders make.
Worst of all, Danny and Nia trundled off into the sunset in their covered wagon, praying for sunnier prospects in the bowels of hell Angelenos unaffectionately refer to as Santa Clarita. Actually, scratch that. The worst crime of all is what they all wore to the reunion some six months later, confounding even me, a woman who has literally seen it all. Shall we?
Brittany Cartwright, Kristen Doute and some guy (I think his name is Luke)
I wish there was something here for me to latch onto that wasn’t the visible strap adjuster on her right shoulder. It’s just so distracting, which is admirable considering how cheap this dress looks. Brittany is actually pretty famous after this season, and it confounds me she couldn’t find something slightly more lux for the reunion. I’d imagine her breasts probably present some issues in terms of what’s possible, but a mesh nighty is simply not what I want to see on television — least of all when she deserves much more, especially after the season she was forced to endure.
I’d also like her makeup artist to put down the MAC eyeliner pot, if only for a moment. Step back, smudge away some of the excess, and really consider why you’ve given her such a heavy eye look. Is this what you really want, dear makeup artist? Is this the woman you want to send out into the world? She is much too beautiful for this!
Kristen gets a pass from me at this reunion, considering how visibly pregnant she is. The dress is nothing spectacular but it is a phenomenal color on her, really highlighting her features. Instead, I’d like to focus on her hair extensions. They’re about the longest hair extensions we’ve seen on this show, especially extensions that are this visible. This is a complete light probably, but I still think they’re too long. They don’t look terrible, not like the ones we see on The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, and they don’t look too obvious either. They’re just too long and I’ll stand by that opinion.
Zack Wickham
When I interviewed him earlier in the season, Zack told me that this suit was from Nordstrom, and he got it tailored just for the reunion. He also told me it cost him around $100, which made us both laugh. It looks about right for the price, but it is a great color on him. (And that’s despite the spray tan.)
Janet and Jason Caperna
When the show first started, everyone would ask why on earth Jason would put up with someone like Janet. It was a mostly misogynistic line of thinking, placing the man on a pedestal above the (supposedly) lowly and homely woman he’d been shackled with.
The real answer was more sinister. The man is an insurance lawyer in worker’s comp claims on the side of the corporations. He’s obviously rotten to the core, just like his mostly harmless wife who rocked up to the reunion in Adderall chic clothing. Those are her words, not mine! It’s too bad she’s the best dressed of the bunch, because I’m loath to give her much beyond a slight compliment about the way this dress just barely covers her tits. At least they came dressed like evil, bisexual Bond villains who threaten the city of London with a new virus that makes people evil and bisexual.
Jasmine Goode
Holy hell, isn’t this a fabulous color on Jasmine? She’s completely radiant at this reunion, and it’s even better that her whole breasts are out. The high ponytail is a delectable choice, as is the glam and statement earrings. It’s a simple and effective look that I’m totally pleased with.
Michelle Saniei
There’s something deeply tragic about both Michelle and her reunion glam. She’s like the specter of Ophelia in that river, right before she drowns: a sad woman with a perpetual glossy sheen to her eyes, like she’s staving off the tears until she can drown herself in a glass of Pinot Grigio. The white of this dress and the choker necklace aren’t helping, nor is the smudgy eye makeup. It’s all quite beautiful in its own right though, like Michelle, whose fashions this season have otherwise impressed me.
Nia Sanchez
Breaking news: The former pageant princess wore a white draped dress and rosy makeup with a bold lash and blindingly white teeth. She looks beautiful, like she always does, and visibly pregnant. This is the Santa Clarita News on the morning of August 7, 2025. Now, for the weather updates.
This ol’ freak
When I close my eyes at night and pray for the demons to leave me be, I still hear Danny’s squeaky voice going on and on about how many children he has under the age of three. He’s in this exact suit too, for what it’s worth, when the voice carries on into my nightmares.
Jesse Lally
Boo! Boo! Boo! Shame! Shame! Boo! Shame! Boo! Shame! Shame! Boo! Shame! Boo! Shame! Shame! Shame!
Photos courtesy of Bravo/NBCUniversal
