Niche Gay Halloween Is Tearing Me Apart

Opening my phone on October 31st and seeing every Brooklyn LGBT — not the queers, because they're more creative — I ever met show off a look that requires a PhD in screen time and an MFA in online hyperfixations to understand, inspires my Spooky Season Scrooge. Like, genuinely, what does one mean, as writer Kyle Carrero Lopez noted on X, that they're "Lindsay Lohan attempting to kidnap Syrian children on Instagram Live before their mother slaps the shit out of her?"

I've genuinely seen nicher.

Now, I was inspired by Janelle Monae's poetic veneration of Halloween in her PAPER cover story, where she describes it as a time to honor play and general whimsy. But personally, am I the only one a bit beleaguered by the cultural necessity to turn a hyper-specific look? The girls are broke, tired and over burdened! I don't have a day to search for the perfect bob wig so I can be Alana Haim in that one shot of One Battle After Another, or the bedeviled sister from Fleabag, or "Bob the Builder," but the look is just construction vest + wig.

Or if I did have the time: I'd prefer not to.

Maybe that's what I'll be, actually. Philosopher Slavoj Žižek weraring a shirt that says "I Would Prefer Not To."

It's how I felt at the end every summer, when I suddenly discovered every millennial gay guy I'd found myself next to on a dance floor was seasonally bi-coastal, and the coasts are Fire Island and Amalfi? We all just have infinite time and disposable income? Okay, well I'll just sit here with my little normal life and go upstate!

Look, I'm happy for the divas who have the foresight, forethought, time and even funds to treat Halloween like they're metaphorically front row at a fashion show. But justice for the lazy girls! The cats ears or base ball-T divas? The casual queens like I who love the autumnal spirit, but don't want to spend 10 hours on the Instagram explore page, finding "inspo" and creating an "IRL mood board."

Maybe I should simply do some yoga, deep breaths and take a walk through the fresh, fall air with my PSL. Life is full of pleasures and wonder. For me, though, they are smaller and simpler than a night on the town as Sadness from Inside Out.

Image via Getty