'Litty and Sh*tty in the Big Bad City' Is Your Guide to New York

Emily Wilson: Where are we, Chlo?

Chloe Richman: We are in the West Village or Meatpacking, if you want to get specific. We are at Soho Works where we record all of our episodes. I did end my membership, but not because I got kicked out, because I'm broke.

Emily: I feel like Soho House memberships are long 2000 and late. A thing of the past for real New Yorkers, wouldn't you say?

Chloe: I'd say. What are the new, cool things New Yorkers are becoming members of?

Emily: I think you're the one who's gonna clue me into that. You definitely feel like, between the two of us, the cooler New Yorker and I think I'm the practical New Yorker.

Chloe: I totally agree. I would say that you're the more adult New Yorker.

Emily: What do we mean by that?

Chloe: You're doing things that real New Yorkers are doing.

Emily: I actually would disagree. I think you're more the New Yorker and I think the only reason is because I live Uptown. Because you live below 23rd Street, just in my head, you actually are a New Yorker and I live in the suburbs.

Chloe: I kind of agree with you. One of us feels like we're trying to grow up. One of these girls is growing up because you're married, so it seems like you're an adult. I’m forever young.

Emily: I feel forever young too, though. I'm trying to bring youth back to the title of wife at the ripe age of 27.

Chloe: I'm not engaged, but I would love a huge fat fucking rock on my finger.

Emily: I love this look you're rocking today. You're giving Florida trailer trash, but in the coolest way. Because you're in a wife beater–

Chloe: That’s so not what they’re called anymore.

Emily: Oh, what’re they called? Uh oh, this is why you're the real New Yorker because I'm the adult New Yorker in that I'm giving Boomer. I'm not up on the terms.

Chloe: You don't call it a wife beater anymore, that's so 2000 and late? That's so not nice when your wife's in these. I call this a white tank top.

Emily: Whoa, why are they called wife beaters?

Chloe: No, it’s because you're calling me trailer park with a wife beater. Like, we can't do that. I feel like we're gonna get canceled.

Emily: Already two minutes into the interview. So Chloe's in a white tank top and she has a hot pink lace bra underneath and the straps are coming out of the shirt. And she's got a bunch of necklaces on, two different earrings. She's got bright purple iridescent eyeshadow and royal blue mascara. And she's got all these chunky rings, a chunky belt, ’90s jeans with studs and flowers all over them.

Chloe: It's cool for me to hear you saying this because I'm like, what are they picturing?

Emily: The way I described it, you kind of sound like a goofy cartoon.

Chloe: Yeah, like I'm straight up a Bratz doll.

Emily: But the coolest one I've ever seen, and I think that's one of my favorite things about you is that you wake up and you start every day with so many choices to look the best you could ever be.

Chloe: And Em, to me, you are picking up your kids from school, but hot.

Emily: I'm a soccer mom, I'm going to get my boys from soccer practice. But you better believe I'm getting home and I'm having an afternoon delight. Getting a little quickie from my hub.

Chloe: You're definitely getting fucked, but you're picking up the kids. You wear your glasses on your head like a camp counselor, but with a leather jacket and go-go boots. I have a thing about your boots. I'm calling them go-go boots because they are straight up go-go boots. It’s a costume.

Emily: It's a beautiful cream boot, I get compliments on them everywhere I go.

Chloe: You're being defensive for something that’s just a factual thing. Well, that was kind of mean the way I said it.

Emily: I wear them every day, so I always look like I'm in a costume?

Chloe: It sounds like “costume” is a trigger word for you, when I actually love costume jewelry. Look at me.

Emily: Whatever costume you have on today, it is working for you. So what did you do this morning?

Chloe: Dude, you won't even believe it. I walked my dog and then I started to glam immediately.

Emily: That's so interesting, you are instant glam.

Chloe: Well first I pee, then I go outside and my dog pees. Then I come back in and I start glam.

Emily: That is so below 23rd Street. Well, actually taking a dog out is very Uptown. Waking up and taking care of an animal gives Upper West Side.

Chloe: I like to shatter those stereotypes. What did you do this morning, Em?

Emily: This morning I woke up and put on the Today Show. I'm obsessed with Al Roker, I always will be and always have been. He was making jokes today that he's past his prime and I'm like, “Don't you dare.” The day Al Roker retires I'm dead.

Chloe: I don't even watch it, but I know he’s just so hot.

Emily: [Laughs] Did you just call him hot?

Chloe: Can he not be hot?

Emily: I wouldn't say hot is the first word for Al Roker.

Chloe: I mean like, hot off the press.

Emily: I don't think that's how it sounded when you said it. But you know what? He is hot. Al, you're in your prime.

Chloe: He’s hot, like he’s so hot right now. Like, that’s hot.

Emily: He's never a trend, he's always in style. Love you, Al Roker.

Chloe: So you're married, obviously. Charlotte [from Sex and the City] has a theory that you can only have two loves, but you've only had one.

Emily: My husband is the only person I've ever been with and in love with, seriously. Wait, she says you’re supposed to have two loves?

Chloe: Charlotte comes to the table and she's like, “You can only have two great loves.” But she’s also like, “You can have as many cocks as you want.”

Emily: Well, here's what I will say: I knew from the moment I met my man that he was the one. We started dating 10 years ago, and we had a break about two and a half years in that lasted two years. And I think that counts as two separate relationships because I feel like I came into my own in New York when I was single and broken up from him. That person I was in the first round is very different from the girl I am today. Back to you, Chlo–

Chloe: I've had like 20 loves, I just fall in love so quick.

Emily: You do and I was gonna tell you, out of everyone I know in New York, you are the best at dating in New York because every time you've been single, you're always going on a million dates.

Chloe: I try to really put myself out there because it is quite uncomfortable in the city.

Emily: What do you think was your most New York way of meeting someone that you went on a date with?

Chloe: I was Uptown for like the first time ever. There's this gorgeous guy walking by and I couldn't help but scream at him. I was like, “Hey! Black shirt, blue pants.” He turned and walked over, and I was like, “You're so cute, can I get your number?” And he was like, “Yes.” We went on a first date. He was in Law School at Columbia. Did I strike gold or did I strike gold? We went on a lot of dates together, but in the end it wasn't for me. Yeah, we're just different. Now he's married.

Emily: It's very much your personality to shout at someone on the street in New York and then suddenly go on a million dates with them.

Chloe: I was definitely a little tipsy.

Emily: Of course, we need a little kick in our step to be able to have that confidence.

Chloe: You could do anything pretending that you're a little tipsy, and that could be your excuse if it doesn't go well.

Emily: I had a moment like that yesterday, but I wasn't tipsy so it was out of complete, uncontrollable rage. I actually had a really New York day yesterday. I know you didn't ask me that–

Chloe: I actually wanted to know, what did you do yesterday?

Emily: Thank you for asking, Chlo. I feel like I had the most New York day of my life. I passed by Housing Works, it's a thrift store in New York City. I love to see what they've got. I'm on my way out and there's a guy coming in holding multiple bags. Everyone knows, rule of thumb on the New York City subway and any storefront: You always let them out first before you get on. So I'm walking out of Housing Works, this guy's coming in holding bags, and there's a guy in front of me with a cane and I'm following him out. The guy coming in goes, “Can't let anybody in before you, huh? Of course, typical woman.” And the girl who's been living in New York for 10 years comes out. I turn around go, “Fuck you, asshole!”

Chloe: That gets me hot and heavy.

Emily: I had a raging New Yorker interaction where I said, “Fuck you, asshole.”

Chloe: We ride at dawn. Here’s my next question: Because you are a woman of all the boroughs and a comedian, what is your favorite area to perform in and what's the best crowd?

Emily: I'm gonna be biased because I have a weekly show, called Tuesdays at the Red Room, every Tuesday in the East Village. That is my favorite crowd. I do love performing downtown and I also love the East Village because it feels very collegiate. College kids, they can be the worst audiences nowadays because they're so used to watching stuff on screens, so they don't realize they're supposed to laugh out loud in person. But they’re also so primed for life and laughter and drinking and fun. Okay, what do you think is your best kept secret of your New York life?

Chloe: Foot rubs, for sure. We walk everywhere we go and everyone needs to get their dogs rubbed.

Emily: Dogs, as in feet.

Chloe: Once you figure out you can get a 20-minute rub for 10 buckaroos, I'd say that's a really big part of my New York routine. No matter how poor I am, I will be getting a foot rub once a week. What New York routine do you think has to stay?

Emily: Well, something I've been doing lately that I'm actually surprised is, I have been eating $1 pizza a lot.

Chloe: Dude, I totally have been too.

Emily: Because I think since I'm spending $1 on this versus a $17 Sweet Green, it’s gonna sit better in my stomach knowing that I saved $16. Every Tuesday before my show, there's a $1 pizza place downstairs, which recently raised their price to $1.50. I'm very disappointed because now it's $1.50 pizza. But it's delicious, it fills me up and it’s cheaper than a cup of coffee these days.

Chloe: I would say that $1 pizza you should utilize when you're in the city because there's your meal. It's on-the-go, you can walk and you can talk. Your wallet has been saved.

Emily: $1 pizza is something that feels so touristy, but it's actually key to being an on-the-go girl in New York.

Chloe: Oh my God, dude, I just went to the best restaurant in the whole world. It was called Konban in Chelsea. It's a little oasis, tucked away. It has a garden, which you know, as New Yorkers, we go fucking ballistic for an outdoor garden.

Emily: My favorite restaurant, it's my go-to takeout place any time I come back from a trip. It's going to be my last meal on Earth: Sala Thai on the Upper West Side, it is so fucking delicious. If I'm in Europe boarding a plane to come home, If I'm in LA boarding a plane to come home, I put it in my Uber Eats cart so that as soon as we land, and I know I'm within an hour of getting home, I will press order. And I will sit at home and eat two dinners of this delicious Thai food. What I'll never do is go in person because I think when you have an amazing takeout spot you love, you should never see how the food gets made.

Chloe: I agree.

Emily: Don't ruin the magic, don't see how the sausage is made. Let it be your takeout. I was actually going to ask you, in my 10 years of living here, I have never found the right nail salon. I'm a Jersey girl and every time I go home to New Jersey and get them done, they will last me 72 years. Whereas in New York, I've never found a nail salon. I want to know if you have a recommendation?

Chloe: SN Lashes in Tribeca. Ask for Mickey, girls. Done.

Emily: Do you have a New York story that is so messy that you're like, I actually can't return to that place?

Chloe: I mean, I feel like all the clubs in New York City are a bit messy for me. Every single time I've ever been out in the city, it's like I crawl out of the basement and I'm seizing at the mouth from the best night of my life. Paul's Baby Grand, come on.

Emily: I feel like we've been in New York long enough that all of our favorite places have become CVS or Chase Bank.

Chloe: Oh, dude, I know like Gilded Lily.

Emily: But Paul's Baby Grand and Casablanca, those are still open?

Chloe: Those are still open. You know that park outside Cafe Select? One time, I crawled out of a basement of an after party from Casablanca. I went into the park to sit for a second and I can't look back at that park.

Emily: I have that unfortunately with the Rockefeller Center ice skating rink. Because the best and worst night of my life happened there. It was a messy downtown party moment. We went to like seven different bars and wound up at an after party in the Lower East Side. At 9:30 in the morning at this after party everyone went, “Should we go ice skating?”

Chloe: And when you say “everyone,” it was my brilliant idea.

Emily: We get in a cab, we go to Rockefeller Center in the morning. And basically the story ends with me being on skates on the ice. I blacked in and realized it was 10:30 in the morning. I was surrounded by children and I had not gone to bed yet. And I actually fell out of body, and I had to have someone to hold my hand and walk me to a cab.

Chloe: We’re grown up now.

Emily: Now we're growing up. I've gotten halfway there in recent times, but nothing that bad. I will say since those years, every morning when I'm up early, and I go out in the street and I see people going to bed I count my blessings. I thank God I got lucky enough that it wasn't me this time. Is there anything spookier than waking up in New York and seeing people going to bed?

Chloe: I don't wake up early anymore.

Emily: I'm talking like eight o'clock. I've had a couple of times where I've seen spooky ass people crawling back to their little caves.

Chloe: Aw, but we love them.

Emily: I'm like, good for you. Enjoy it while it lasts.

Chloe: It could never be me, but we know. They're scary as shit.

Emily: Should we end with a little bang?

Chloe: Like what? Like we should bang?

Emily: You want to bang?

Chloe: No thanks.

Emily: Do you think you'll ever leave New York?

Chloe: Never.

Emily: Why?

Chloe: When I first moved here, I could not wait to leave New York. I was like, “I'm just doing this for college,” and now I will never leave. I will grow old here. I will have my children here. There's nothing like this place. There's literally no place like home and this is my home. What about you?

Emily: Same here, man. Forever. Born and raised.

Chloe: Well, you were born in New Jersey. Let's be honest.

Emily: And that kind of means I was raised here. Speaking on behalf of all Jersey people, if you're from New Jersey and in the city, you kind of grew up in New York.

Chloe: Speaking on behalf of us who don't agree, we'll give it to you.

Emily: I hope that we can forever be the plug for girls in and out of the city to New York City life. I love living here with you.

Chloe: I love living here with you and you're my best friend.

Emily: You're my best friend and my soulmate.

Chloe: Lylas.

Emily: Lylas.

Photography: Dev Bowman
Styling: Porchfinds