Conan Gray Faces His Discomfort
Music

Conan Gray Faces His Discomfort

In Conversation With Julia Michaels / Story by Gianluca Russo / Photography by Juan Veloz / Styling by Katie Qian / Grooming by Hannah Carleton / Installation by Victor Barragán (at Carlye Packer Gallery)

As a kid, Conan Gray lived briefly in Mesa, Arizona, recalling his excitement over simply having a community pool – something that felt like winning the lottery for a young boy whose family never stayed in the same city long enough to attach any significant memories.

Today, desert life feels far removed from Gray (who later relocated to Georgetown, Texas), but the traumatic unrest from that period still lingers. Reaching deep inside his own discomfort, the singer/songwriter’s sophomore album, Superache, refuses to hide any growing pains that still weigh 23-year-old Gray down.

“The very fact that it’s uncomfortable for me to talk about it is the reason I have to talk about it,” Gray says of his decision to get more intimate with fans during this next chapter of music. Superache, out Friday, opens up old wounds to make way for ultimate healing.

Installation: Barragán (at Carlye Packer Gallery)

Clothing: Valentino, Necklace: Harlot Hands, Rings: Austin James Smith, Asuza Ban, Earring: Azusa Ban, Shoes: Syro

“It’s better to feel something than to just live your whole life hiding from feeling anything,” he continues, revealing scars from his childhood. “I watch the fathers with their little girls and wonder what I did to deserve this,” he sings on “Family Line,” before admitting: “Cause now I’m scared that everyone I love will leave me.”

For Gray, sharing such personal lyrics feels almost like “people are listening to my diaries,” maturing track-by-track in front of fans. “And they’re growing up with me,” he says. That intimacy is, in part, what gives Gray such massive appeal (with more than seven billion streams in three years and famous fans like Elton John, Taylor Swift and BFF Olivia Rodrigo).

Whereas he typically writes alone, Gray welcomed hitmaker Julia Michaels into the studio to help flesh out his ideas for Superache. Having penned Selena Gomez's "Lose You to Love Me” and Dua Lipa's "Pretty Please” — in addition to her own work, including 2021’s Not in Chronological Order — Michaels became a perfect match to Gray’s musings on life.

The two created three songs together for Superache — "The Exit," "Disaster" and "People Watching” — the last of which addresses Conan’s experience with relationships. “I’ve never really been in love, not seriously,” he sings on the introverted anthem. And in album closer, “The Exit,” he explores heartache: “Feels like we buried alive something that never died/ So god it hurt when I found out you love her."

Below, Gray and Michaels reconnect days before Superache’s release for PAPER.

Suit: Act N1, Shirt: Helen Anthony, Boots: Paris Texas, Rings: Azusa Ban

Installation: Barragán (at Carlye Packer Gallery)

Suit and socks: Thom Browne, Necklace: Chopova Lowena, Glasses: Gentle Monster, Shoes: Dr. Martens, Rings: Azusa Ban

Installation: Barragán (at Carlye Packer Gallery)

Conan Gray: The very first day that we met, I was at the studio [with my producer Dan Nigro], and at that time, I was in a weird spot. I didn't really know what I wanted to say [with my music] because I was afraid of saying things. Dan and I made this upbeat, fun baseline and I told Julia, “I want to do something upbeat.” Julia looks at me — I knew her for like two minutes at this point — and she’s like, “Do you really want to do something upbeat? I don't know if you do.” And I was like, “You're right. I want to make something sad.” Then I pulled this idea that I’d had in my mind for a long time about people watching: it's my favorite activity in the whole wide world to do. And that's the moment I knew that Julia and I were going to get along, because of how quickly she saw directly through my facade.

Julia Michaels: I remember that baseline. And then we talked about how you had never really been in love, but you liked to people watch in the sense that you like to see other people in love and to be around that sort of essence.

Conan: The thing about Julia and I is that we both have the same brain. It’s almost like we can’t multitask. We have to sit and live in something for a long time to figure out what we want to say. It was a pretty instantaneous [partnership] and I felt like we were a perfect match when it comes to the way we write songs.

Julia: You and I write very similarly. We write in our heads, so there's just like 20 minutes of silence until we feel comfortable enough to say something that feels good. I’d never written with someone that writes in the same way. It was fascinating.

Conan: We also bonded on the fact that we grew up in the suburbs, very normcore. Like, going to TGI Fridays was a magical event. The Cheesecake Factory? A magical event.

Julia: That was like a gala.

Conan: That was our Met Gala. That was the foundation, in a weird way, of us relating to each other.

Conan, how did collaborating with Julia help you tackle the pressure of writing your sophomore album?

Conan: With the added pressure, it was nice to be able to talk about anything [with you, Julia], because I was very comfortable. But to act like once I finished the album that I am perfectly comfortable with the things that I'm going to say once this comes out is a lie. I'll never be someone who's unfazed by the fact that the music I make is going to be heard by other people, but I think that's a good thing. The best music has to be vulnerable for it to really relate with people and provide true comfort.

Julia: We even had a conversation about vulnerability in our first writing session and how that was difficult for you to do right off the bat. After that, we took a deep breath and started doing “Telepath” and “Disaster.” And then our last song, “The Exit,” was full vulnerability. It ended our songwriting arc on such a beautiful note.

Clothing: Gucci, Earring: Presley Oldham, Necklaces: Presley Oldham, Laurence & Chico, Rings: Layers Of

Installation: Barragán (at Carlye Packer Gallery)

Suit: Burberry, Scarf: Shaku, Harness: YVY Leather, Gloves: Vex Latex, Shoes: Saint Laurent

Installation: Barragán (at Carlye Packer Gallery)

Conan: That one was very much a diary entry. We wrote that song in the last 30 minutes before you had to go home, and it’s [reconciling with the fact that] someone is going to see me and know me [on this painful level]. And no offense to you, Julia, but I look at you and see that you’re as damaged as I am [laughs]. So I knew that I didn't have to be afraid of the things that had happened to me in my life, because I knew that you'd been through similar.

Julia: Such great trauma bonding.

Conan: Always. If there’s one thing songwriting has taught me, it’s that if you’ve ever been through anything, it’s a human experience that others can relate to.

Julia: And it might not be the same exact experience, but we’ve all experienced heartbreak, love, loss, jealousy — so many things can be relatable.

Suit: Act N1, Shirt: Helen Anthony, Boots: Paris Texas, Rings: Azusa Ban

Installation: Barragán (at Carlye Packer Gallery)

Suit and socks: Thom Browne, Necklace: Chopova Lowena, Glasses: Gentle Monster, Shoes: Dr. Martens, Rings: Azusa Ban

Installation: Barragán (at Carlye Packer Gallery)

Conan: The song “Family Line” was probably the hardest to write [for that reason]. It talks about my past in a more blunt way than I’ve spoken about it before. When it comes to talking about my past and my childhood, the truth is that I’m not as far removed from when I was a child. It’s a harder thing to talk about and it took forever to write because I was so afraid. The whole process ended up taking like two years in total to finish it. The very fact that it’s uncomfortable for me to talk about is the reason I have to talk about it. Hopefully in the end, it makes people who relate feel like they aren’t alone in their situation and make them feel like it’s not something they have to hide, because I spent my whole childhood and all of my adulthood running from my past. This is my first time [embracing it all].

Julia: I’m a lot like you in the sense that we grew up thinking these things are only specific to us. But then you write these very personal songs and show up to your shows, and there’s 3,000 people that are screaming their words back to you and you realize that you’re not even slightly alone.

Conan: We’re extremely pessimistic towards life, [which fans relate to], but we’re also the deepest romantics in the entire world.

Julia: Absolutely hopeless.

Conan: I love a slow burn love story, but Julia, you’re a little more chaotic than I am.

Julia: I’m a whirlwind romance. Let’s go all in, deep dive right away.

Clothing: Gucci, Earring: Presley Oldham, Necklaces: Presley Oldham, Laurence & Chico, Rings: Layers Of

Installation: Barragán (at Carlye Packer Gallery)

Suit: Burberry, Scarf: Shaku, Harness: YVY Leather, Gloves: Vex Latex, Shoes: Saint Laurent

Installation: Barragán (at Carlye Packer Gallery)

Conan: And I’m like eh, maybe I’ll dip my pinkie toe in. You’re a lot more ruled by your heart and I’m ruled by my head, but being pessimistic about life is a very comfortable position to be in.

Julia: Because you’re never disappointed.

Conan: Really, though, the only thing I hope this album does is make people feel less alone. I was a very lonely, very weird child that moved around so much that I never had time to make friends and I never knew how to talk to people. Writing music was the only way. I want people to listen to the album and feel like they’re not weird. And to find comfort in the fact that sometimes when you're young, you're allowed to be really annoying about heartbreak and call your friends and be ridiculous and overthink.

Have you been able to find that comfort in yourself, Conan?

Conan: Through people like Julia and Dan and my friends, I went from being someone who was so afraid of doing something that was going to cause pain to realizing that getting your heart broken is almost a privilege at times. It’s better to feel something than to just live your whole life hiding from feeling anything. When I met Julia, I was at a point in my life when I would sit at home doing nothing, afraid of anything hurting me. And it was through writing these songs that I got the comfort I needed. In the past few years, I’ve learned that it’s okay to make mistakes. It’s the only way you can grow as a human, and it’s sometimes a pleasure to feel sad at times. Sometimes it even feels good. It’s a good hurt, like a Superache.

Julia: Conan, I love you.

Conan: I love you, too.

Photography: Juan Veloz
Styling: Katie Qian
Grooming: Hannah Carleton
Location: Carlye Packer Gallery
Installation: Barragán

Set: Skye Whitley Guzman
Photo assistant: Sebastian Johnson
Digitech: Derek Wooden
Retouching: Matty So
Production: Amanda Kahle