So Chic, Very Chic: Lisa Vanderpump Nachos

In the last 24 hours, it has snowed, then rained and then snowed again, forming thick sheets of ice over everything I love. Hell, it seems, has quite literally frozen over. When the Ice Age ends, I wonder what scientists will make of us!

To punctuate the distressing February chill, just about every Bravo show seems to have gone on hiatus this week. The Philadelphia Eagles won the Super Bowl, in case that news has managed to pass anyone by, and their cosmic pull is greater than the eagerly awaited The Real Housewives of Potomac reunion. The flash-frozen television schedule does help my ongoing metaphor about the late winter doldrums, but it also makes for a totally miserable week.

With all my stories on hiatus, what else am I to talk about? Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift’s impending breakup? I’ve already thoroughly explained how she’ll spin their failed power couple victory lap, between his spectacular Super Bowl loss and her total Grammys lockout, into press fodder for her Reputation (Taylor’s Version) era. He made it all about himself, and she got lost in the relationship, and now people hate her again. Reputation! Everything old is new again.

There’s also fashion week knocking down my door, but the editors have that covered. The news? Well, it’s mostly bad. Scientists say there’s an asteroid that’s destined to puncture a New York City sized hole in the earth’s crust. The whales and dolphins are doing something weird again, or maybe that’s just TikTok recycling old videos and sensationalizing them. The other day, an Amazon delivery driver knocked out a fire hydrant and flooded all the basements on my street. I bought a neon sign shaped like a frog in a cowboy hat smoking a cigarette. I dyed my hair in the bathtub, watched a movie with my boyfriend and made a spaghetti dinner with friends. I guess there is a lot to talk about, but none of it is what I want to talk about. What I want to talk about is the Real Housewives and what they wore this week! Shall we?

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Sutton Stracke

Sutton’s been unnaturally off her game this season, considering I genuinely liked just about everything she bopped around the confessional in last season. This is a slight return to form, if her form was off-kilter and distorted through a smudgy, cracked camera lens. There’s elements that should work and don’t, like the new hair she had installed, and this color, which is divine on her. Between the awkward fit and one shoulder puffery, however, it never comes together like I’d hope. The bright silver jewelry also is a hard contrast against the champagne and golden undertones in the dress, cutting off her neckline and pulling all the focus. Weird! I wonder what happened here, and if this was a last minute substitution for something else. Still, the glam is an improvement from the heavy handed eyeliner application seen earlier in the season’s confessionals. For reference, see below.

I’ve avoided talking about this look for a few weeks because I just couldn’t face it. The orange lipstick, the all-around eyeliner, that bracelet, her tan ... I just couldn’t face it! Like the last fit, there’s all the pieces for something totally fabulous, but they’re missing the binding agent to keep them from turning to sludge in the oven.

Kyle Richards

Since my social media algorithm serves me an uncomfortably large amount of Bravo-related content, I was fortunate enough to scroll past a few “Lisa Vanderpump nachos” jokes after the episode this week. It’s a dead horse fans of this show can’t stop beating into dust. Thankfully, I’m here to intervene: Lisa Vanderpump would never wear this dress. That’s because the dress is actually quite nice, and Lisa Vanderpump is averse to appearing stylish or fashionably minded. Maybe she'd wear this dress if it was highlighter pink with a pussy bow and a white collared shirt underneath, or the sleeves were longer, or the hair about 10 times drier. It’s also missing the liquid lipstick and overdone smokey eye, although their eyebrows are equally blocky. No, Kyle does not want to be Lisa Vanderpump. Kyle Richards wants to be Kyle Richards — a woman who still doesn’t know who she is. There’s a difference.

Garcelle Beauvais

I’ve avoided the daytime looks this season because the women have mostly lounged around at eye level in restaurants, beaches and now, Southern mansions! None of these things lend themselves to fabulosity, least of all the South. For their excursion to Sutton’s house of horrors the last two weeks, Garcelle and Kyle have done their best approximations of Georgian catalogue models: white shorts, linen shirts, odd jewelry, chunky belts, floral prints. I can’t wait for it to end!

Kyle Richards, Sutton Stracke and Garcelle Beauvais

Like, the Southern drag on display is so absurd, I couldn’t help but burst into laughter when this very, very sad scene cut to a wide shot. Kudos to Sutton for the bravery to go back to the home where her father died, but what on earth convinced Kyle to pair this tunic dress with strapless mule stilettos? And the threads hanging from Sutton’s shorts and Garcelle’s chunky belt... I couldn’t help but laugh! I’m sorry!

Erika Jayne

This is the second confessional look we’ve seen from Erika this season, which is a notable transition from her past seasons. She’d be the first to admit this herself, seeing as Tom’s money has dried up and those legal fees have sucked what’s left dry from her bank accounts. That said, she’s done a fabulous job making up the difference here. It’s not just her best look in recent memory, it’s the best look this cast has pulled off all season! I’ve grown weary of blazer fashions, but the red gloves are fab, as is this silly, knotted updo. That they’ve taken the care to really slick that forehead down adds to the drama of the look, as does her brown lip liner and prominent blush. She looks like those art prints from the ‘80s, with women in extreme pantsuits with neon makeup and pink palm trees and the faint shimmer of cocaine all about them. Totally, utterly and significantly fabulous.

Her confessionals are notably contrasted with her daytime drag, which have mostly consisted of understated co-ords in natural tones. Long hair, bare nails and a muted beat. It’s a way of dressing I’ve grown accustomed to since the trials began, but it never fails to startle me when they cut back from the confessional booth. Like, who is this woman! Put her old Thierry Mugler ensembles on the side of the milk carton, please.

Bozoma Saint John

Bozoma carried the B-plot this episode, spending the bulk of her screen time talking about having a kid with someone she hasn’t said I love you to yet. Like Erika, her daytime looks are a startling contrast to the glamour and intrigue of her confessional looks, what with all that big hair and sequins and fluorescent fabrics. I appreciate all the cleavage and tight spandex, but I’m struggling to figure out who Bozoma wants to be on this show. Her alliance with Dorit is a smart move, and I’m loving how easily she’s integrated herself into various dynamics onscreen. But there’s a PR sheen to her persona that feels disjointed with the casual outfits and fabulous confessionals. Should she come back for a second season — all signs point to that being extremely likely — I’m interested in seeing if she can click it all into place.

Photos courtesy of Bravo/NBCUniversal