It's Nice to Laugh
Quarantine Diary: Jared Goldstein
Intro by Abby Schreiber / Illustrations by Taylor Roberts
18 May 2020
If anyone can make 24 mind-numbing hours of a life in quarantine funny, it's the comics we've asked to share a daily snapshot of what they're eating, doing, watching, thinking and Googling while under lockdown.
Named a comic to watch last year by both Time Out LA and The New York Comedy Festival, Jared Goldstein (@heyjaredhey on Twitter and IG) is fast making a name for himself in LA's comedy scene. Currently co-starring in Nikki Fre$h, Nicole Richie's brand new short-form series on Quibi in which she plays a satirical version of herself, Goldstein plays Richie's assistant helping her develop a new career as a "wellness trap" artist.
Hunkered down like everyone else, Goldstein has still been keeping busy with comedy, hosting and/or appearing on a number of comedy livestreams including the weekly Frogtown Show, which takes place Saturday nights via holdthephone.tv.
Wake up jk lol.
Check my phone.The minute between waking up and checking my phone feels like an eternity.
Check for acne. I'm pretty sure I'll be doing this when I'm 70 years old.
Workout. I do this every day. It's one of the least relatable things about me.
Shower. I shower for 20 minutes, which is bad for the planet but I tell myself that since I don't have a car it's okay.
Apply SPF even though I won't be going outside at all. I have accepted spending a year in quarantine, but I will NOT look a year older when this is all over.
Breakfast. It's 4:15 PM in NY where Mom is and every time I tell her I'm having breakfast she says, "Breakfast?! I'm about to eat dinner!" Every time.
Make coffee. LA is full of bottoms and baristas. I'm weirdly both, which is why I love Chelsea Peretti's Foam & Flotsam EP.
Vocal exercises. What people don't know about me is I was a child actor on Broadway, but in a surprising twist I'm now an adult waiter.
Read 20 pages of a book. I don't enjoy it, but that's part of it! I most recently read Lie With Me by Philippe Besson. It's described as a French Brokeback Mountain and I have always said, "I love Brokeback Mountain but I wish there was more Frenching in it!"
(Note how long it took me to read 20 pages of a book) Lunchtime. Everyday I make air fryer French fries and while I slice the potatoes, I call my friends and gab, gab, gab. It's my favorite time of the day.
Watch a few episodes of Veep or all of the movie 8-Mile.
Go for a walk while listening to "Lose Yourself" from the movie 8-Mile. (Quarantine has turned me straight. Ladies, let's get a hot coffee sometime.) Because very few people are on the road, I'll march up and down the middle of it like a toy soldier. This makes me laugh so hard. I'm sure my neighbors assume I'm high.
Make dinner. I take whatever's left over from lunch and warm it up in broth. I eat it out of a mason jar, which is a very normal thing to do.
It's night time, which means I head for the darkest corner of the internet: TikTok. Straight men are queer baiting on there and I'm honestly here for it. When celebrities do it, it's annoying because they're high status. It's punching down. When college students do it from their parents' basement, it's actually gay rights.
Go to sleep.
Actually fall asleep. The four hours between 9:30 PM and 1:30 AM fly by so fast and I have so little to show for it. Once I'm asleep, I will have 10-11 nightmares about how my Craigslist roommate is now my husband.
Illustrations: Taylor Roberts