So Chic, Very Chic: 'Summer House' Season 9 Reunion

The least anyone can do in this world is show up and participate in society. The second least anyone can do in this world is attempt to have fun in the meantime — if not fun, then the performance of fun, especially if they’ve been blessed with fame and fortune and surgically enhanced good looks. There’s nothing worse than an energetic drain at the club. Actually, there’s much worse things in this world than people who pull the whole world around them and then sulk about like wet cats at the party, but that’s the thing with vibe killers: They push me over the edge of hyperbole.

I’m writing all this down while part two of the Summer House reunions plays out on television, a program that tends to bring out the musing wastrel in me. This Lexi Wood character on my television screen crawled up from the hellmouth under Toronto’s CN Tower in a PrettyLittleThing dress to wave a knife around for no reason. They don’t allow guns in Canada, hence the knife, and she’s carrying on about a man with cheater tattooed across his scary wide chest in a room full of scared hostages.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen Andy Cohen roll his eyes more. Not that Bravo’s Lawsuit-in-Chief has much room left to skirt around the feelings of women, but really, where’s the fun in going on a Bravo show with the ambition of making yourself mildly famous to Nick Viall’s podcast listeners? This over-inflated TikTok story time seems the only thing her generation wants out of the format: self-victimization in a sequin rag to pay for their chunky highlights budget. Reading that back, perhaps I’ve judged her harshly, and the scene continues. She diverts her knife’s tip from the cheater to Ciara for the exact reason every other white woman on this cast, and in the Bravo audience, has pointed a knife at Ciara. The fleeting sensation of guilt passes. I snicker when Paige and Ciara lock eyes, then roll them like their boss, and me.

Shall we also talk about what they wore, while somebody calls the hostage rescue squad?

The Cast of Summer House

Longtime readers will remember I ranked last season’s reunion among the fashion highlights of Bravo in 2024. This reunion, I fear, will not be making the cut, unless I make an entirely separate list for fashion fails.

It’s not that I’m repulsed by the pastel dreamhouse these producers have built for television’s most famous bedbugs. It’s that I’m bored. With such light clothing, against the white of the sofas, my eyes have nowhere to relax. If heaven looks anything like this, per the modern Christian imagination, no wonder Lucifer kicked up a fit.

Andy Cohen

Jenna Lyons showing up to the reunion in a bathrobe seems to have permanently altered Andy Cohen’s brain chemistry, considering he mentioned her on his way out to stage. All alone out there in his bathrobe, he gave his best impression of what it looks like when he’s been out too long with his grad school twinks on a Hamptons beach somewhere. Close your legs to unmarried Colombia students, Cohen!

Amanda Batula and Kyle Cooke

The married couple came coordinated, since pink is for girls, and blue is for boys. And since the awkward silence around Amanda’s fashion sensibility has reached near-totality, let me break the ice: She’s never looked better. Oh, stone me to death if you disagree! At least I’ll die a martyr for hypocrites and fashion critics everywhere. This color suits her nicely, and I like the weirdly placed blush and fuzzy eyebrows. She also hasn’t done some slicked back bun or gimmicky two-piece. She hasn’t even worn a suit, which I’d placed bets on prior to the taping. Kudos!

As for Kyle, nothing about this suit appeals to me, least of all the color against his spray tan.

Ciara Miller and Paige DeSorbo

Speaking of beautiful women in oddly placed blush, Ciara and Paige look similarly incredible. Ciara specifically, from head to toe. This Grecian drapery is divine, and I love the pop of pink on her nails and the reflection of the set in her arm cuff. Her braids and glam take it over the top of glam into an arena this cast rarely achieves: true fashion excellence. This must be what it felt like when scientists discovered the atom, or Azzedine Alaïa made his first dress.

As for Paige, I can recognize that she looks good, even if I hate just about everything she’s ever worn. She appeals to a very specific kind of woman who isn’t me, and I understand that with her recently announced exit, I’ll miss picking apart her weird aversion to necklines or interesting hairstyles. At least she gave me something to write about!

Lindsay Hubbard

With a new baby to take care of, I promise to not rail on Lindsay too hard. She knows that fashion isn’t her strong suit, besides that phenomenal cutout last reunion. Her strengths lie in other areas, like emasculating men and keeping the lights on at Summer House. Still, whose decision was this deep side part with the bumped end? I’d like to have a few words.

Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb

I’d like to formally congratulate West Wilson on achieving a hairstyle that doesn’t immediately look like the recommended search under that one TikTok, which reads: “Marsha P. Johnson fashion inspiration for straight guys.” The suit is otherwise plain, and the glasses look like the sort of thing my mom picks up in the checkout aisle.

As for Jesse Solomon, what would possess Lexi to lose this much sleep over a man who wears a black Kirkland signature t-shirt under a pastel blue suit. Like, is it her dream in life to wake up every day next to a man who pairs blazers with hoodies and sweatpants and Hokas to cheat on her at the Sweetgreen?

Gabby Prescod and Lexi Wood

I cannot get enough of the way Gabby looks. Talk about the real fashion power player on this cast! This pull for a top is incredible, and contrary to Lindsay’s valiant effort, this is how you pull off the doll-like hair look they both were going for. As for the blush, too much of it takes real commitment. Thankfully, Gabby has that in spades. Congrats, diva!

Then there’s Lexi, who opted to wear the exact same look she’s worn all season. Except now, it’s in blue, and it sparkles! The bronzer and lipliner combo haven’t really figured themselves out in the meantime, which is probably just because she’s Canadian. If she’s back next season, I hope she finds something to wear other than Paris Hilton’s dish rags!

Photos courtesy of Bravo/NBCUniversal