So Chic, Very Chic: Rage Against the SSENSE Sale

Some words of warning, as we kick off the new year with PAPER’s infamous Bravo fashion column, "So Chic, Very Chic." First, God isn’t real. Second, if he were real, he wouldn’t be here, watching Bravo with us. Third, even though he isn’t real, I’m still sending up prayers that the women of The Real Housewives block Revolve on their web browsers. Should they need help, I have a handy browser extension I can pass along to their teams.

The site itself hasn’t done anything wrong here, since it’s a necessary link in the food chain of influencers and PAPER party attendees and women you see in the background of sponsored pop-up events in Midtown and movie premieres on Getty. Mainly, my problem lies in its accessibility and overabundance on Bravo. When the fashions of broke Gen Z layabouts on shows Southern Hospitality (pause for everyone googling Southern Hospitality) is near indistinguishable from the fashions of The Real Housewives of New York City, I think we have a problem.

Thankfully, I get paid the big bucks to burn down their wardrobes myself. Metaphorically, of course, in case blind item websites start to think me and Lisa Vanderpump allegedly have the same hobbies.

Shall we?

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Erika Jayne

I never addressed the yeehaw allegations in the episode that aired shortly before the holiday break, so I’d like to start the column with an admission. This energetically tormented chanteuse has probably lied and cheated her way back into television relevance. I don’t need to get specific, because the LA Times has racked up a small fortune in clickthrough advertising rates doing exactly that. I acknowledge and hold space for her transgressions, and believe that restitution and justice are owed to her ex-husband’s former clients. Should she get roped into that legal settlement, she’ll need a job, and being an extravagantly chic Real Housewives villain is just about all she’s qualified for anymore.

But beyond that, I also think there’s spiritual restitution owed also. One form it could take is debasing herself on television every week for me and the million other viewers of this long-troubled franchise, sort of like the New Age version of throwing tomatoes at someone shackled to a post in the ground. Or, I’ve said all this as prelude to the truth buried deep in my heart: Some small part of me is glad this haunted, fabulous diva is still around to slay another day. Just look at her in this leather catsuit laced up to the gills for a performance at the Viper Room of all places. Kerri Colby and Kesha were there! We need her, in a way, like she needs us.

Early in the episode, she meets up with Dorit to talk about whatever it is they talk about. Not only is this red Staud shirt a divine color on her, I also honed in on that Acne Studios skirt that I never got the chance to snag last season. It might not read well in this screenshot, but there’s a big red heel emblazoned on the side and together it makes the perfect rendezvous attire for a meeting of the minds.

Bozoma Saint John

Bozoma made the interesting decision to exclusively wear Ivy Park this episode, which is not a choice I would have made. But she did, and we celebrate the freedom and creative spirit inherent in all humans to forge our own paths in this life. This mesh trench coat was of particular interest to me when it dropped because it provides no actual covering, and like most of Ivy Park’s collections, serves as a metaphorical pane of stained glass to abstract the sportswear inside.

The second Ivy Park set made its appearance at the Viper Room, which is maybe the first time it’s ever shown up for a pop concert at the Viper Room. (Don’t fact check me, because I’m just making jokes.) Jennifer Tilly served as the audience stand-in here, and spent much of the scene staring at Bozoma’s breasts. Just look at them! She’s cinched and perched and plucked and preened beyond belief, which is to her credit, considering the ready-to-wear athleisure.

Jennifer Tilly

Meanwhile, Miss Tilly had on a Louis Vuitton sequin frock: a staple in the wardrobe’s of eccentric millionairs. It’s not my favorite, nor is the hair, but I appreciate her commitment to similarly forging a path into new, uncharted realms of kitsch and camp.

Kyle Richards and Sutton Stracke

I’m mostly here to talk about Sutton, who’s seemingly browning out on the liquor and cocktail of medications she’s on. No hate, diva, because it’s also the most glam she’s ever looked in her l can’t be the only one who remembers that paparazzi photo drop!

Kyle, meanwhile, continued her habit of pissing me off for extremely specific reasons. Here, it’s the 40th skin-tight, stoned mesh top with a slicked-back ponytail I’ve seen her in. Between this and last week’s body chain under a blazer, I’m beginning to think the post-divorce glow passed over her house this time around.

The Real Housewives of Potomac

Mia Thornton

I pray at an altar every day (not the one that they accused Mia’s mom of assembling) that Mia shows up on TV in another bafflingly constructed dress that defies gravity and logic and the unspoken rules of the cutout. Thankfully, God isn’t real, and he doesn’t have to answer my prayers, because she chooses to do so each week of her own free will.

Wendy Osefo

Wendy is simultaneously on trend and off it each week. This week, she rocked a neckline that made a big splash at the Golden Globes red carpet, nearly six months later, and being able to draw that through line is an integral part of this column’s stated function. Movements in the fashion industry aside, I think this is quite glam for Wendy. The short hair suits her well, and it’s interesting she chose silver (or white gold) as the primary metal for the look. Gold would have been easier, if less daring.

Ashley Darby

I formerly criticized a similar look from Wendy as this, and before I say my opinions about Ashley’s, I’d like to explain myself. When writing this column, I take a few things into consideration: previous fits, demonstrated fashion access, my own taste levels and the taste levels of Bravo’s stars. Such things help me to both meet each entrant where they are while simultaneously maintaining my critical lens. In the case of Wendy, it was a bad look because it was poorly designed and also because I know she’s capable of better.

Ashley, on the other hand, has repeatedly exemplified poor taste. It’s a terminal deficiency that makes moments like this radiate a warmth I’d surely feel in the presence of God, were he real, but there must have been a higher power at work in her newest confessional booth appearance. She looks like $10,000, which is $10,000 more than we’ve ever seen her look. Since she’s just now expanded my sense of scale, the gap feels like the volumetric difference between the earth and the sun. So chic, very chic, Ashley!

The Real Housewives of New York City

Brynn Whitfield

It’s been a minute since we’ve properly discussed RHONY in the column, and I’d like to kick things off with Brynn’s white shawl and bustier. No word on what the actual top looks like, since they almost never zoom out for these confessionals, but I like that she’s dressed like the evil blonde from The Parent Trap, or the third of four wives at an oil heir’s funeral on a TV show about Texas.

Jessel Taank

Speaking of vintage glam, Jessel hit Revolve before stepping into the confessional booth in these fake shirt cuffs and collar, imitating what Gen Z probably thinks old-school typists and assistants would wear to work for Don Draper. The bodysuit is literally from Revolve, and you can find these accessories on Amazon, making it a surprisingly easy, low effort Halloween costume for any fans she might have out there

Photos courtesy of Bravo/NBCUniversal