So Chic, Very Chic: 'Southern Hospitality' Has Risen!

Everyone, hark! The angels bear a message for us lowly sinners of the Earth! The Messiah has been born again! He is risen! He’s actually a television show this time, and it’s called Southern Hospitality!

Bravo’s best new series wrapped up its delicious third season this week. While Vanderpump Rules might be six feet under, its successor is already in preschool, mostly throwing tantrums and shitting its pants. Too bad, because the parents keep it dressed up in designer kiddie clothes. Who lets a toddler wear sequins at four? Well, Andy Cohen, obviously. He even invites them to reunions, despite their language skills and developmental faculties not quite making for the most legible television on a Thursday night.

Regardless, these crazy kids did the impossible and put on a real show, despite the forces working against them: a short season, relatively little promotion and about $100 between them to buy clothing (Emmy’s confusing scheme to get free influencer clothes notwithstanding, but more on that later!) Because Bravo seems eager to wrap this up, the finale and reunion both aired back-to-back, making my job significantly easier. I’ll miss squawking on about how everyone should watch this show each week, but I won’t miss the clothes I was subjected too!

Shall we?

The Cast of Southern Hospitality

Here they are in all their glory! The cast of Season 3 of Bravo’s Southern Hospitality, decked out in feathers and lace and sequins and imitation silk. They even brought out the good Mejuri necklaces for the occasion! The standouts are TJ, Michols and Mia. Less successful are the men I haven’t mentioned, whatever it is Leva has on and Grace Lilly’s drag pageant gown. Emmy wearing wedding white isn’t lost on me either, but let’s wack her after I’ve passed out some compliments.

Mia Alario

I love Mia’s addiction to Revolve. On The Real Housewives, a Revolve fixation is the express lane to loathing for me, but on the millennial programming, I’ve lowered my standards to meet their financial needs. Not that Mia has ever met a dress she hasn’t looked like an actual angel in. Seriously! I think she might be one of the most beautiful women to ever star on Bravo, and that’s before we get to her boobs in this dress, her big hair or the color of this dress. She’s like the women that sailors used to joke about going to war over. If only she’d have worn better shoes, I might have followed through on that threat. (That said, I’d still gladly pick up arms against Leva’s tacky nightlife empire. I’ve picked fights over much less.)

DJ Maddi

Maddi graced us with one final confessional look before the season wrapped up. Just about everything here is the wrong idea, but I’m happy to report that seeing herself on TV helped come reunion time. This color is like the Shamrock Shake I dropped on the sidewalk a decade ago. That’s a primordial wound I’ll never heal from, a wound about as deep as the one inflicted on me by the bedazzled bows and underboob keyhole. Even the hair is wrong! As is the glam, sadly. Maddi is another entrant in the most beautiful women to ever be on Bravo, and it took everything I had not to say something I regret here, looking at the outfit again.

Our beautiful diva completely switched things up for the reunion. She went to the Fabric Planet wall in the Drag Race workroom and made history. Sequins! Ostrich feathers! A cut crease and significantly cooler blond highlights! The under-eyeliner has also been left in 2008, and while she hasn’t quite figured out what necklace to wear, the entire effect is quite striking when she cries. And boy, did she cry a lot this reunion!

Grace Lilly

Grace Lilly is the funniest person of all time. Her mind is funny, her behavior is funny and her outfits are funny. Even her ayahuasca dreams are funny: The last time she tripped she smoked weed with Bob Marley and Jesus and received the solution for lasting world peace! Funniest of all was this confessional look, which is part Renaissance tour dance costume, part Mariah Carey QVC butterfly jewelry model, part Electric Daisy Carnival brand activation. I genuinely hope she never changes.

Michols Peña

Can we all please rise for Michols? This velvet suit is exquisite, all things considered. The olive-brown is totally correct for Michols, and I’m a big fan of the contrasting lapels. Kudos! And what a fun gay guy to make his big television debut this season! Cute, witty, deeply naive and stylish enough to make my best dressed list from the reunion! One of the best qualities of Southern Hospitality is its diverse array of gay guys: side character boyfriends, naive 20-somethings and messy evil 30-somethings. Everyone I could ever want are all here. And they’re tormenting each other! Thank god.

Emmy, Tortured Diva

Emmy made a big impression with terminally online Bravo fans this season. Whether she was suffering another histrionic meltdown, facing another cheating rumor from her boyfriend or staring down the barrel of tradwifery, Emmy looked tan and snatched and puffy. (That’s a joke about how she’s constantly crying.)

I wanted to take note of the red dress above. It’s pretty standard, right? The sort of thing you’d expect to see on a marketing girlie at Knockdown Center, or on a bottle service girl at a club with sticky floors. Would you believe me if I said this exact dress, also seen on Maddi to her right, was the inciting element in World War 3? I’ve talked extensively about that moment in previous columns, so if you’re curious what I’m talking about, better get to watching this season.

The hopeful bride-to-be wore white to the reunion, alone, since her man ditched her to hang out backstage while his girlfriend was crucified on national television. Not the best omen for the marriage to come, but she’s chugging right along with those Mejuri diamonds and wispy little hair strands. I actually think the neckline of this dress is quite striking, as are her red nails. If only the overall effect was complete and total desperation. Fitting, I guess.

Molly Moore

Molly’s a funny one, isn’t she? She is the most British looking woman on American television, she can never find a real neckline on a dress, and her hair is always transformed into some crazy shape only seen on Temu. I love her! The dress is nothing special, but while we’re on the topic of cocktail attire worn by bottle service girls, this isn’t the kind found in clubs with sticky floors. No, this is the dress you see in member’s only lounges where athletes go to cheat on their wives.

As for the reunion, she’s kinda giving Kim Zolciak, don’t we think? The big hair, the icy blond with dark roots, the low cut dress, the noticeable cosmetic injectables habit. Not shade! I find it fascinating.

Lake Rucker

We’re nearing the end! Like Lake, who I’m not sure will find herself on a second season of this show. At least she gave us this funny cutout dress at the reunion, and this other dress I’m pretty sure my high school best friend picked up from Wet Seal for our homecoming dance. While her time on Bravo might be short, something tells me she’ll live on in my memory for about 10 more seconds.

TJ Dinch

We’re going to end with TJ, who either changed his hair or did something to his teeth, as he’s looking a bit different at the reunion. Injectables might also be to blame, but no matter! His looks are about the least interesting thing he has going for him, what with this bedazzled lapel staring me straight in the face. I love it! Simple as that. Messy gays know not to wear shirts to the reunion. Messy gays know about a slutty little chain. Messy gays know that suit jackets should look a little stupid.

Most importantly, messy gays intuitively understand that they are the sole reason their show is still on the air. If there’s an MVP Award for this season, TJ is its sole recipient. Fight on, my brave little soldier! May you and your comrades live to see a fourth season.

Photos courtesy of Bravo/NBCUniversal