So Chic, Very Chic: The World Is on Fire
BY
Joan Summers | Nov 07, 2024
I am in Canada this week — a place that historically and anecdotally feels like it should be generally colder than the mid-Atlantic, or even California. And surprise, surprise, it was 70 degrees Farhenheit in November. Excuse me: 21 degrees Celsius.
Living through what feels like the prelude to environmental collapse is quite the daunting prospect, if I have at least another 70 years of life ahead of me. What to do when the world is ending? Watch The Real Housewives, probably, and tell my friends I love them. I took a walk to a cafe down the street from my boyfriend’s house and tipped the barista for my butter croissant and iced lemonade. Even my jacket came off after I grabbed a patio spot, sitting in the sun like the blue belly lizards me and my sister would catch in the summer, out on the rocks in the park across the street.
Yesterday, I drank a beer in the setting sun, and crawled into a hole in the wall to eat chicken tikka with friends. I slept through the middle of a $5 movie and sent a few heart emojis to the people in my life. I talked another friend off the edge and walked right back up to it with a third. Later today, I’ll buy a too expensive cake from a bakery for a housewarming party, maybe smoke on a patio and drink just enough wine to remember what a nice time I’d had. I might even wake up tomorrow and run to the park, where I’ll sit in the sun again and wonder when it will get cold enough to remember my mittens. I might laugh, and then I might cry. And soon I’ll be home, driving down the Gowanus Expressway and wondering when it all might feel like this again.
I turned on The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, and they’re in bikinis, and I laugh out loud because I could probably be in a bikini, too, right about now. Bikinis in November! Oh, what a great big stupid world we all live in right now. Shall we talk about their outfits, eh?
The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City
Bronwyn Newport
Girl had quite the episode, dedicating a significant portion of it to dismantling Lisa Barlow’s throne of bones and tequila bottles. She made her proper entrance in a scrambled egg sleep set, except the joke here is that the yolks have smiley faces. Did we laugh? I did! No matter the woman does, she has to put a clownish spin on it, lest the viewers forget she’s quirky and different and not like the other wives of venture capitalists with mega-mansions in Park City.
I’d also like to point out that at one point in the episode, she joked that her dog had worn Charlize Theron’s Oscar's jewelry the week prior. I thought she was kidding, obviously, until they flashed a side by side comparison of the two. Now, call me a proper hater, but that is definitely not the necklace, right? We know Bronwyn has a loose grasp on the truth, considering her earlier claim that she had one of three Saint Laurent heart jackets in the entire world. Perhaps the editors tried to do her dirty, or the jewelers didn’t want a picture with the proper choker. I doubt Charlize would appreciate the fact she shared a stylist with a literal dog.
Now, Bronwyn is usually one to clown around with her wardrobe, and I expected she’d at least attempt the same with her bikiniwear. Instead, she wore what could have been a Target clearance set, her funky glasses being the only touch of clowncore. What a letdown! I was hoping she’d come rocking up poolside dressed like a banana, or maybe with Victoria’s Secret angel wings and a fantasy bra.
Angie Katsanevas
I don’t know why I found myself utterly transfixed by the banality of this week’s fashion choices, but I’m neither a therapist or an energy healer. Take it up with the woman who does my acupuncture on Tuesdays! Back to the point: In a rare moment of total mundanity, Angie wore jeans and a t-shirt. Not just any t-shirt, of course, but a scoop neck with a boob pocket. The horror! It’s like we’ve collectively stepped into an alternate timeline where she’s a suburban housewife that owns a salon chain and loves her husband. Oh, wait ...
We also met her in furs and Fendi on the plane, alongside some truly ridiculous sunglasses. I tried to figure out the mechanics of whatever these are and came up totally short. They have what looks to be shields on the lower rims and fit more like safety goggles than anything resembling a traditional pair of sunglasses. Not that she’s known for the traditional, but what is going on in here on this day?
Angie Katsanevas and Whitney Rose
The dream team of former D-listers teamed up this week to torment Meredith and Lisa. What a joyous day to be alive. All hail center snowflake Angie K! She stepped out the Fendi bodysuit and into some shield glasses. Never mind her fierce nude lip. I never quite know what it is she wants to look like, and I suspect she feels the same. This woman is perpetually torn between minor Gundam villainess and mid-series Search Party character. Keep at it, Angie!
Whitney, meanwhile, looks straight out the Kohl’s catalog in 2014. I half expected her to start dancing to a Meghan Trainor song and explaining the number of cardigans her coupons might save her money on in the annual Spring back-to-school blowout. Alternatively, she’s a single 30-something on 90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days who’s convinced she’s met the love of her life in Morocco.
The Wild Rose also debuted a new confessional look this week and a new eyebrow shape! Thank god she’s finally exited the yellow safety pin dress. Her hair also returned to a less shocking cool blonde and icy white highlight combo. Nature is healing, but only on this show! Don’t look at the temperature on the phone today, maybe. All things considered, this look is the best I’ve come to expect from Whitney, which is a compliment. She’s dressed exactly like she should be, lest we enter the Heather Gay danger zone. (Speaking of, the Bad Mormon was blissfully absent from this week’s episode. Thank God, or whatever it is Mormons call him.)
Lisa Barlow
Lisa Barlow came rocking up to Bronwyn’s private plane with half-glasses, a tied at the waist dress shirt, gum in her mouth and a dream! I couldn’t ask for anything more from the Baroness of Diet Coke and Wendy’s. Sadly, she spent much of the episode floundering in her choices: namely, this dress shirt and sunglasses combo, and her newfound alliance with the aforementioned Bad Mormon. Her fatal flaw is an inability to explain the most basic thought process behind anything she does. Confronted by Bronwyn’s superior wit and clown costumes, she crumbled. Or more specifically, the dress shirt wrinkled, and she cracked her glasses and accidentally swallowed her gum. I might even venture a guess that she spilled the Diet Coke on her jeans off-camera.
I’ve avoided talking about this confessional the past couple weeks, hopefully for obvious reasons. Faced with it again, I finally yielded. She is a beautiful woman, and her hair is so shiny. The nails, alternating between copper and nude, are a nice touch, as is her soft eye makeup. Red is also her color, if I can make such a bold declaration, and I hope she wears more of it. That said, I hope I never see this funerary sheath ever again.
Later in the episode, she hopped into something more comfortable: a bikini top and black jean shorts. The affection I found fleeting, having just been attacked by the previous dress, came flooding back all at once. I wear the same thing just about any time the weather is passably warm. And her folded ponytail and rectangle sunglasses? Oh, Miss Barlow, don’t mother so hard! You might make me forget about those rumors concerning your voting habits.
Wait, voting habits. Wasn’t there ... an election? This week? Wait, wait, don’t go! I can feel this column slipping through my fingers, now that I’ve brought the real world back into it. Quick, before I lose this connection, meet me here again at the same time next week! Until next time!
Photos courtesy of Bravo/NBCUniversal
