So Chic, Very Chic: Mob Wife Madness

So Chic, Very Chic: Mob Wife Madness

BYJoan SummersOct 31, 2024

This is So Chic, Very Chic, PAPER’s examination of Bravo’s sprawling cohort of fashion obsessives. From haute couture to TJ Maxx, they’ve literally worn it all. Sometimes they stunt, sometimes they turn the look, and sometimes they burn holes in retinas my ophthalmologist says might never heal.

I’d like to take a trip down memory lane, as the year comes to an end, back to a time when mob wives got up in arms about suburbanites and zoomer city dwellers alike stealing their swag.

Perhaps this has been forgotten, as 2024’s been jam packed with Brat drops and presidential assassination attempts, but there was actually a time when so-called mafioso heiresses and culture writers got up in arms, deservedly or not, over the “cultural appropriation” angle. I’m serious! There is like, an entire few pages of Google search results to peruse through, from back around when this week’s “mob wives” themed RHOSLC episode would have been filmed.

Like any good Real Housewives star, Angie K stays posted up in my Instagram DMs. She’d have obviously been on trend, considering her savvy branding with the shield glasses last season.

It just seems so banal now, doesn’t it? Outrage over fur coats and Big Ang memes, when “Kamala is Brat” and “somebody was arrested at the Timmy Chalamet Lookalike Competion” were just over the horizon. So banal, in fact, that I’ve convinced myself the entire fiasco is somehow responsible for every bad thing that’s happened this year — small domino being “the viral mob wife aesthetic is actually problematic” and big domino being “a second Pitchfork review has hit Halsey’s X timeline.”

Shall we get into it?

The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City

Meredith Marks and Whitney Rose

This week, Angie K threw the women a “mob wives” themed anniversary party for her marriage to that hot hairstylist. Twenty five years is a long time, about as long as it took Whitney’s glam team to chisel away at the block of stone they made this wig from. I mean, how on earth does one even get it in that shape, besides sleeping in a roller set that’s been installed incorrectly and then standing in one of those fan-tube machines that blow fake money around at Chuck E. Cheese or contests at the local radio station?

That said, she later recycled this dress for her confessionals, which is ecoconcious of her on a show that somewhat demands the opposite. Meredith, meanwhile, kept the glasses on. I won’t speculate as to why, but sometimes, when I have too many things bopping and banging around in my system, I also like to keep the sunglasses on. That said, the wine won’t help, sister, nor will that expertly installed fake ponytail that looks about ready to scalp her!

Meredith entered the party with a comically large clutch, like Gia Gunn. I have tried about 15 different variations on a “boom boom” joke but have come up completely short. I ask for forgiveness and understanding in this difficult time, please.

Whitney, meanwhile, wore this rather comical sweater to her earlier sit-down with Meredith. The minivan bob and the tented menu specials don’t help the allegations that Salt Lake City isn’t a city at all, but a glorified suburb with one too many Applebees for my liking. That said, isn’t this hunter green just beautiful on her?

Angie Katsanevas and Bronwyn Newport

Look at this fabulous ice witch and her clown friend, who entertains her during the long winter months in her palace of frost. For what it’s worth, I quite like this rather demure dress on Angie (demure here being used in the context of Angie’s entire wardrobe aesthetic). On the rest of us, it’d look like we were stuck in those viral prom season posts about kids these days.

As for Bronwyn, it’s interesting how she refuses to dress in a way that plays by the established norms of this cast. She’s bringing pulls to a show generally not known for glamour. This blue Dolce & Gabbana top with the sequined skirt is gorgeous against the spooky white interior of Angie’s home, and that coat is absolutely fabulous, like, literally. It’s a set piece from Absolutely Fabulous.

I know a Christian Siriano special when I see one. He said she’s one of the only Real Housewives that pay, which means we have her to thank for his continued ability to terrorize red carpets internationally with Pierpaolo’s scrapped designs. Love you, Christian! I'm a big fan of your ability to put something like this on television. Again, fabulous.

Mary Cosby

When one is consistently accused of being a cult leader, or a Christ-like figure to her humble church followers, it doesn’t help to come onto television in something a Final Fantasy villain would wear. I mean, doesn’t she look like the rebirth of Yunalesca in the scrapped Final Fantasy X-3? Or maybe the secret alternate form of Ultimecia, if they ever remake Final Fantasy VIII for modern systems. Can’t you see it now?

The Real Housewives of Orange County

Gina Kirschenheiter

Dear Gina, I try and I try and I try with you. Every week, I wake up hopeful — hopeful that this is the week, hopeful that things will change, hopeful that we can find some common ground between us and build a future together based on understanding and trust and respect. But, it's become increasingly clear to me you are unwilling to see reason or hear my side of the story. I forgave the knock-off Donatella drag. I forgave the hair, but most importantly, I forgave you. But this? This is unforgivable. It’s the final straw, and I will no longer extend an olive branch to you in your time of sartorial need. I wish you nothing but the best on this path you’ve chosen for yourself and fear you will need more than my prayers can accomplish. Xoxo, a bitter ol’ bitch.

Tamra Judge

Tamra wants to see herself as both threatening and threatened, the victimizer and the victimized, the hunter and the hunted. It’s a fascinating psychological cocktail that works quite well on television, and for better or worse, made her an interesting fixture in the Bravo academic canon. That said, my best advice to her is: When wanting to play the victim card at the end of the night, try to frame yourself in camera without the large black fur coat or menacing glass of champagne. You look like a villain of the week of The Bold and the Beautiful.

The Real Housewives of Potomac

Wendy Osefo

I tried to get the intel on this top from Wendy’s confessional this episode and came up completely short! I could have done without the butterfly appliqués, which feel more craft store than couture, only because I do think the top is beautifully constructed and deserves to shine on its own. Also, this is not the energy her castmates bring to the booth, and their lack of a serve makes her attempt at a serve seem goofy, rather than glamorous. And she deserves to be glamorous!

That said, she should pay her glam team twice as much as she does currently because the makeup and hair are glowing.

Jassi Rideaux

Jassi has a proper confessional! Unless I forgot, in which case, I’m sorry Jassi. I was not familiar with your game! The newcomer and friend-of has been a general breath of fresh air in this show’s totally stifled cast dynamic. That she has the confessional chops to hold her own are an added bonus. We’ve seen this printed corset dress look before, but I think the matching scarf and elegant bob elevate it. Her cut crease is also worth writing home about! Kevyn Aucoin, you will literally always be famous.

Photos courtesy of Bravo/NBCUniversal