So Chic, Very Chic: I'm the Bad Guy, Chun-Li

It’s been 84 years since the Titanic sank in the Titanic movie, and also since we’ve seen The Real Housewives of Atlanta on television. Thankfully, it’s back! Not the Titanic, just in case that wasn’t clear. It’s currently disintegrating on the ocean floor, sort of like Porsha Williams’ relationship or the plaster walls in Shamea Morton’s mega-McMansion!

With two mega-sized episodes under our belt, I felt it necessary to comb through the numerous confessional looks we’ve been treated to already. Really, numerous doesn’t quite describe just how many clothes these women put on in just the premiere alone, with each averaging around three whole confessional looks. It’s an achievement that even The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills does not hold, with Erika Jayne wearing a single confessional look for six straight episodes.

With last season having been a near unfilmable trainwreck, the network completely overhauled the cast this time around, with Drew Sidora being the only full-time cast member to return. Kenya Moore was also set to return but sabotaged that chance. My honest thoughts, having watched these episodes now? Good riddance to the old guard! Let these new girls have a spin at the wheel, what with their waffle restaurant empires, tax accounting services, divorces and athlete husbands. I’m hooked, even if the line could break any second.

Shall we?

The Real Housewives of Atlanta

Porsha Williams

The most beautiful woman on television is back, messier than ever and probably learned nothing from her too-long sabbatical. Thank god! In the time away, it seems Porsha here spent some time honing in on what makes her feel fabulous: silver, black-and-white gowns, shiny hair and costume jewelry. I’m glad she’s a student of her craft, because it’s safe to say she’s never looked better, let alone amidst her messy divorce proceedings from ex Simon. I’m a big fan of this first look, mostly because she looks expensive with her big boobs out. The dress is nothing to write home about, but why would it need to be when it's her face that they’re launching warships over.

As for this second look, I love that it’s actually a pantsuit. How funny! I love the idea of wearing a big old cape and ostrich feathers when rocking church pants and pageant necklaces. Let’s all pray she never changes out of it.

Too late! This amateur salsa dancing competition leotard is just about my least favorite thing, combining everything I hate about modern clothing: rhinestones, cutouts, corsetry. I wish it had been literally anything else but this. Sorry, Porsha!

With all the confessional looks on display in the first two episodes already, I’m holding out on their daytime outfits except in select instances where appropriate. I thought it necessary to note that when she’s not dressed like a megachurch pastor about to go to prison for tax fraud, she has these silly little tweed suits for more serious occasions, like talking to her divorce lawyers.

Shamea Morton Mwangi

Shamea is rich — airport HVAC empire rich. To illustrate this, she came rocking up to the confessional booth in Balmain and this black dress, which I couldn’t ID immediately, but I’m sure is equally as expensive!

Sadly, the black look suffers the same way all black looks suffer in the confessional booth, with the camera and white balancing crushing all detail out of it. Meanwhile, the white is so goofy that I’ve decided it’s incredible. In typical Balmain fashion, it's constructed with the proportions of football uniform padding, which I’m meant to assume is intentional, considering this lace detail. I’m never a fan of icy white jewelry, which is mostly for showing off and not for looking nice, but the blinged out nameplate is a fun touch.

Out of confessional drag, she swings wildly between her monogrammed label obsession and pure pageantry. It makes for an interesting Real Housewives star, but not so much for a real fashion icon. There’s still time though! Someone introduce her to the stylist that put Keiarna Stewart in Area!

Kelli Ferrell

Speaking of fashions, here’s Kelli in her “now I’m the bad guy, Chun-Li” costume. Seriously, the chopsticks in the hair with these hoop earrings and red minidress and leather blazer. Scream! Literally, scream. What makes it funnier is how on the nose her Instagram post about it was, considering it also uses “Chun-Li” as the song. I promise I made that joke before googling her wardrobe credits.

Now, she says the trench is custom, but tags Ferragamo on the post, meaning said Ferragamo is either the dress or the shoes. But imagine it was those earrings, right? That’s the sort of thing I’d do if I was a Real Housewife: wear TJ Maxx dresses and tag my Chanel broach.

Her styling team is relying on monochromatic looks this season, if her few confessionals are anything to go by. I actually love this color on her quite a bit and think it’s just flattering enough to not immediately make me roll my eyes at the mesh. My favorite touch is the way her hair highlights the pop of pink in the earrings.

Drew Sidora

On the lesser end of the budget spectrum is Drew, who made a passable effort with this white dress and sequin blazer set. Neither are necessarily fabulous, but they’re not terrible either. Well, the blazer is, the more I look at it, having noticed it's actually a bra underneath. Geez, Drew! I was really rooting for you. Beautiful glam, though!

Brit Eady

For those not following along at home, Kenya Moore, longtime star of Bravo, fell out with the network and production after she allegedly exposed illicit photos of Brit at an event without Brit’s consent, surprising the cast and production. It led to her eventual exit from The Real Housewives of Atlanta, alongside a cast shakeup and back-and-forth drama online between fans and bloggers. Needless to say, it rocked the Bravosphere for a good few weeks.

One can imagine, then, how interested I was to meet the woman who cast down the once fan favorite of the franchise, and she didn’t disappoint! Goofy, gussied up and gossipy are how I’d best describe Brit. She interrupted herself mid-sentence in that first confessional look to polish her now out-of-trend solitaire diamond ring. Then, she popped up in this baby pink lip with the Guess denim dress and chunky statement jewelry. Fabulous showing, Brit! Prayers up for the rest of her season.

Cynthia Bailey

Apparently, with said cast shakeup, Cynthia Bailey is back in the mix, wearing this bob around and filming confessionals. This look is laughably bad, sorry to say, but her glam is correct and Lake Bailey looks warm and inviting on the green screen. Here’s to her never learning how to dress herself, so I have something to talk about each week.

Until next time!

Photos courtesy of Bravo/NBCUniversal