Alexi Wasser on the Art of Being 'Messy' in Love

How much of Messy is inspired by real life experiences with love in NYC?

Dear lord, so much of this movie was inspired by real life experiences — heightened, but inspired by real life. I got to New York in the summer of 2021 and I think I had a midlife crisis. I’d gone through a horrible breakup, been cooped up during lockdown and I was ready to canoodle, baby. I wanted to go to discotheques, make out in dark corners at Paul's Casablanca and get myself into naughty shenanigans.

What are the benefits of being messy? Can lessons be learned in the chaos?

The benefit is that you can look back on your life and say, “Well, at least I took a chance! No regrets!” Unless, you end up face-down in a dumpster. In which case, hopefully a lesson was learned and they might base an episode of Law and Order SVU on you.

For me, because so much of Messy was autobiographical — heightened, but autobiographical — it took me making this movie to learn the lessons I should have learned after all my disappointing and at times humiliating dating experiences. When I look at the movie, I think, Oh my god this girl (me) is just so willing to dive into dalliances with these men who are totally emotionally unavailable, aren’t right for her, who could never give her what she needs because she’s searching for love and validation in all the wrong places. She’s a love addict with daddy issues — boring, but true. A classic tale as old as time.

And through the process of making this movie, I gained clarity and a lot of self-esteem. Nothing feels better than achieving a goal. Finishing something that matters to me, that I was scared to do. I’m very proud of the movie. I can’t wait for people to see it. I can’t wait to make the next one. As far as dating is concerned, I still find myself in noteworthy and disappointing situations, but I don’t spiral like I used to — not as much. I have more self-esteem and confidence now. Movie making, as my late father would say, puts hair on your chest.

I love the casting in this film — so many familiar faces, especially for New Yorkers. How did you approach finding the perfect people for all your characters?

I knew Adam Goldberg, Thomas Middleditch, Ione Skye and Michael Panes before making the movie. But Reza AKA “The Guy,” Sophia Lamar, Merlot and Ruby McCollister are incredible New York fixtures. I’d see Merlot out and about, and walk up to her and say, “One day I’m gonna put you in a movie,” which is so embarrassing to say, but I meant it. She’s gorgeous and has such a presence. She’s a singer and this was her acting debut. When we met to talk about the script, she knew all her lines, she even knew mylines. She came prepared.

Reza I knew a million years ago, and would always run into at clubs and Lucien. Our scene was inspired from a night when we were driving around downtown New York in his convertible, no less having a conversation about love and dating that ended at like 3 AM at Clandestino.

Sophia Lamar is a New York legend. One night at Paul’s Casablanca, she hosts an incredible night every Sunday. I was sitting next to her in her booth and we had a conversation that inspired the dialogue for our scene. My way of working through my dating turmoil is by talking about it with everyone who will indulge me. After the script was done, we had a table reading, and Michael Imperioli (a real supporter of the arts and the downtown independent film scene) joined us at the reading and he suggested and later introduced me to Mario Cantone (a total mensch) for the role of Leo Fontaine. This movie is very Sex and The City-coded. A girl who was raised on Sex and The City, who subconsciously/consciously wants to be Carrie Bradshaw.

Reflecting back on this film, what do you think you learned about love and life that you maybe hadn't realized or processed going into it?

I learned that I’ve given way too much of my precious energy and attention to people who never deserved it to begin with. I also learned that love comes in many forms. Just because you don’t have love in the form of romantic love doesn’t mean you’re lacking in love. Self-love and the love you have with friends and family are a beautiful thing. And it’s better to be with the right person than the wrong person. It’s far worse to feel lonely next to someone than to be alone. Being alone is great. Being in love is fantastic, but so is being single.

Are standards overrated? Do you think they can get in the way of life experiences? Or should we all have high standards no matter what?

Standards are absolutely not overrated. When it comes to love, dating, how someone treats you, what you want for your life, not at all. Please have standards. You’re not some piece of trash. If you don’t value yourself, others won’t either. My bestie and Messy producer Rebekah Sherman-Myntti has a saying, “If not you for you, who for you?” Meaning, you gotta be your own best advocate goddammit. Having standards will keep you from having life experiences that you would prefer not to have: Being taken for granted, mistreated, disrespected, wasting time. Treat yourself like you’re your own kid. You’re precious cargo. And if you hold yourself in high regard and esteem, others will too. And those who don’t can keep it moving, honey.

I think New York life delays traditional romance more than most places in the country. Why do you think that is and at what point are we tragically behind?

It’s because people in New York and major metropolitan cities don’t want to settle. More and more women are deciding, choosing notto have children and being happy with that choice. 60% of marriages end in divorce. We’re aging better than we ever have. We are not tragically behind. Maybe we could be less glazed over staring at our phones and look up and be present and connect more, but I think it’s okay not to go the traditional route of marriage, kids and buying a house in the suburbs. I like outsiders, people who are unique and do it their own way. I prefer freaky kooky individuals. And for me, making this movie was my version of having my first baby. Something to leave behind after I die. Someone said to me recently, “Curious people should have kids.” I’m curious. And I love kids. I play the part of cool aunt for many of my friends’ kids. Maybe I’ll be a step mom someday, hell maybe I’ll adopt in the future. But for right now the kind of curious person I am is a curious person who is seeing what life is like if you don’t go the traditional way.

New York is a hard place to live. In order to live here you have to be tough. You hemorrhage money even if you live in a shoebox, the seasons are brutal. This city is not for people who want an easy life. Anything can happen here. You can meet anyone. Do anything. Even when I stay in for days at a time writing, I love knowing that New York City is outside my front door. I’d rather live in a shoebox apartment in New York City than a house in the suburbs. But we’ll see what I say in 10 years.

I think living in New York is the best thing in the entire world and let me just say, I love PAPER because it reminds me of when I was a teenager in the ’90s living in Hollywood, California and wanting to move to New York. Dying to live here. All that to say, New York life delays traditional romance because it’s a city of very ambitious people who want to be free to be who they are, and accomplish a lot. Dreamers and outsiders and artists.

How do you know a first date is going south? What's the next move, abandon ship or lean in further?

You know in your gut when a date’s going south. You feel it in your bones. Intuition is real. Always listen to it. And personally, I abandon ship. I never do anything I don’t wanna do. One time, I remember hitting my limit on a date and I just called an Uber and ran out of the bar without even really saying goodbye to my date.

What's the best date you've ever been on? What happened?

I’ve yet to experience it. Is anyone up to the challenge? Anyone?

If you're single on Valentine's Day (which I am), what's the move?

I’m single on Valentines too, baby. We’re in good company. The move is, do anything and everything you wanna do that will make you feel good. Stay home, be cozy, take a bubble bath, watch a movie. Go on a first date with someone you met on an app, go dancing with your friends, kiss someone you meet on the dance floor. Go to the cinema and actually see a movie in a theater, go to the Metrograph or the Roxy (the programming is fantastic, top tier). Turn off your phone and read a book, get in your pajamas and spray some perfume on, go down an Instagram wormhole, make prank phone calls. Have dinner with your friends, journal, go on a long meandering walk, reach out to a friend and ask them if they need anything.

Do whatever the fuck you want, do whatever would make you the happiest. The world is your oyster. I’ll be sucking on a heart-shaped lollipop, and that’s not a metaphor. I bought a bag of heart-shaped Valentine’s Day lollipops, you pervert, how dare you? I’m gonna get a massage. And if I know myself at all, I’ll end up at Odeon because it’s my go-to because it has the best and sexiest lighting in town. I love seeing what Roya (the mistress and maître d’ of the Odeon) is wearing. She’s the chicest, plus she gives me fabulous dating advice.

I wanted to go to discotheques, make out in dark corners at Paul's Casablanca and get myself into naughty shenanigans.

Stills courtesy of Simone Films