With the endless write-ups of Coachella fashion and round-ups of Instagrams, we just want to cut right to the hard-hitting, important journalistic questions: Who was the reigning Lordess of this nightmare oasis? We've broken this year's festival nymphs into a few tangible categories: A-listers, random famouses, crystal glitter devotees, faux boho babes, brand fans, power couples, and Tara Reid. May the best Coachella Queen rule this cruel desert.
(L-R, clockwise) photo via Emma Roberts' instagram, photo via Taylor Swift's instagram, photos of Jared Leto and Leonardo DiCaprio by David X. Prutting/BFA.com
Match: A tough match full of die-hard Coachella royalty, but scrappy rookie Taylor Swift, bleach hair and too many chokers, wins from pure earnest wonder (more wonder than usual).
Winner: Taylor Swift.
"Surprise" Guest Performance
(L-R clockwise) All photos via Coachella.com livestream
Match: While we can't deny the glory of Rihanna bump Calvin Harris's set into the stratosphere, Kesha's triumphant display of her raw talent, singing "True Colors" with Zedd, was a real emotional moment.
Crystal Glitter Cultists
(L-R, clockwise) photo via Kylie Jenner's instagram, photo via Kendall Jenner's instagram, photo via Bella Thorne's instagram, photo via Hailey Baldwin's instagram
Match: This was also a tough one, given the amount of crystals, glitter, and generally shiny shit Coachellans wear. Bella Thorne, with crazy sparkle eyebrows and temporary septum piercing gave us "Manson follower who got lost in a Michael's" vibes. P.S. Who is Bella Thorne?
Winner: Bella Thorne
Faux Boho Babes
(L-R, clockwise) photo via Alessandra Ambrosia's instagram, photo via Vanessa Hudgens' instagram, photo via Paris Hilton's instagram, photo via Karlie Kloss' instagram
Match: It takes a lot to look like you literally live in the earth, your only shelter the filmy shawl you've draped over your head. But lord knows, our multimillionaires know how to pull it off, and Victoria's Secret model Alessandra Ambrosio could teach a master class.
Winner: Alessandra Ambrosio
Brands and the Celebs Who Love Them
(L-R, clockwise) photo via Kellan Lutz' instagram, photo via Ashley Greene's instagram, photo via Ashley Benson's instagram, photo via Shay Mitchell's instagram
Match: Coachella started life as a music festival, but unsurprisingly has become essentially the lobby of a really-nice resort, with brands desperate to get celebrities to take photos and promote their names. And celebrities, also unsurprisingly, are eager to help. No one was as gleeful in their embrace of both Coachella style and corporate hashtagging as Kellan Lutz.
Winner: Kellan Lutz.
Couples That Coachella Together
(L-R, clockwise) Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom photo via BFA.com, photo via Sara Snyder's instagram, photo via Bella Hadid's instagram, photo via Miranda Kerr's instagram
Match: Nothing bonds a relationship like wandering Indio hand in hand with your bae. Bella Hadid and Abel Tesfaye showed the most effortless festival canoodling--the romantic equivalent of trying on a nice floor-length sweater-coat.
Winner: Bella Hadid and the Weeknd.
(L-R, clockwise) photo via Derek Hough's instagram, photo via Brooklyn Beckham's instagram, photo via Shannon Leto's instagram, Cole Whittle photo by Neil Rasmus/BFA.com
Match: Again, a hotly contested category--we almost gave Bella Thorne two bracket entries--but we had to go with that fucking guy from DNCE. We're taking a risk here, but we don't know his name and we're not going to Google him. Congratulations, dude.
Winner: See Above.
(L-R, clockwise) photo via Tara Reid's instagram
Match: Tara Reid.
Winner: Tara Reid.
Taylor vs. Kesha
Match: We hate to pit these two against each other, but we see Taylor All. The. Time. It was refreshing to see Kesha out there doing what she does best, singing and performing and rocking rainbow hair.
That Fucking Guy from DNCE vs. Tara Reid
Match: Tara Reid up against a living Coachella meme. Sorry, Tara.
Winner: That Fucking Guy from DNCE.
Bella Thorne vs. Alessandra Ambrosio
Bella Hadid and the Weeknd vs. Kellan Lutz
Match: While they were as organic as a Indio sunset, we had to give it to someone who approaches life, but especially Coachella, like it's the most intense frat party ever.
Winner: Kellan Lutz
Kesha vs. That Fucking Guy from DNCE
Match: Sorry dude, Kesha's got our vote. (By the way, his name is allegedly Cole Whittle.)
Alessandra Ambrosio vs. Kellan Lutz
Match: Her fashion was on point, and his was wearing 12 fake tattoos and no shirt.
Winner: Alessandra Ambrosio.
Kesha vs. Alessandra Ambrosio
Match: Honestly, every millionaire who can spend a weekend doing nothing in the desert is a winner. The real winners here are everyone who decided to bring their taxes with them to Indio.
Winner: Everyone who mailed their tax returns from Coachella today.