'Ladies of London' is the Wildest Television We've Ever Seen

I was riding the subway, listening to Massive Attack and Groove Armada. It was a Sunday, and I had no real place to go except the urge to just go. Change my name, don a wig, move somewhere that girls like me still ride subways listening to Massive Attack and Groove Armada. Should I just move to London?

I'd be a lady in London, but I wouldn't be a Lady of London. Key difference, really, when there's a new cult hit show on Bravo which goes by that very title.

Ladies of London: The New Reign premiered in early March, re-tooling the other classic Bravo offering of the same name. Think of it like those archival Vivienne Westwood corsets everyone had remade a few seasons back. Just like the firs go-round, the women are a heady mix of middling British royalty, socialites and fish-out-of-water Americans.

On the topic of Vivienne Westwood, there's a Baroness who was a former Westwood model. She famously smoked crack once in a men's toilet in Leicester Square — "I said, you’re not doing that again until you’re diagnosed with something absolutely terminal” — and has a pet magpie named Hecate. One woman is an American manners coach, while another was in the "sexiest" British film ever made. She's best friends with the Baroness, and the pair get along swimmingly with a woman who wears hats the size of a small child (and drinks more alcohol than could reasonably fit in them.) There's also an accused madame with dubious ties to various accused no-goods in British high society, but she's also an architect and firmly denies the allegations.

It's utterly riveting television.

That said, riveting doesn't seem to account for much on Bravo these days, seeing as the network just put PAPER's favorite Real Housewives franchise on pause, the inimitable The Real Housewives of Miami. While Ladies of London doesn't yet have the pedigree — despite all the titles its cast members hold — we hope that singing its praising will save it from the same fate as our Miami divas.

Shall we talk about the clothes now?

Lady Martha Sitwell immediately became the most magnetic, interesting woman alive within four minutes of being on television. She's the baroness with the magpie and a friendly relationship with crack, but only once she's terminally ill, of course. Sitwell also has an outstanding closet, like somebody preserved the background lady's of The Crown in amber and only cracked that amber back open when social media was invented.

From a contemporary fashion perspective, both of these looks are rather dated. But through the looking glass of London society, I think they're rather fabulous. She's like if Sonja Morgan's hard times were found in a British country estate, instead of a crumbling Manhattan townhouse. The statement jewelry and bold lipstick will come to define her, I feel, and I eagerly await which tea-stained gown we see her in next.

Kimi is a bit like Lady Martha's Wario. This is not an insult, to be clear. I told them apart in the first episode because one wears necklaces and the other wears hats. They also both wear bold lipstick. Unlike Lady Martha, I would not say Kimi is necessarily fashionable, but she is fabulous, and inside the coliseum of this column, they both count all the same.

While the orange dress is quite the statement piece, I'm much more interested in her black widow drag in the lace-y little number. The "rich woman at her husband's funeral" joke has been driven into the ground farther than that dead husband, but she really does fit the part exactly. I have high hopes for this woman, and eagerly await our first encounter over a glass of bubbly.

Margo Stilley

Here's Margo, former sexy actress turned regular actress who wore this daring gold number with some chunky statement jewelry. She's rather beautiful, which she'll tell you herself. It's a severe sort of beauty, like a woman you might expect to see atop a marble plinth, or in the sitting room of an estate. It's why I'm so entranced with this mail moment — she's dressed for battle, if that battle was taking bestie Lady Martha to task for her habit of handing money to strange men in public parks.

Myka is our American manners coach. She married a rich British businessman who's never home, and the insecurity of both those things caused her to explore the mystical world of manners and sell the knowledge she found their to ill-mannered women on the internet.

I'm still unclear on her credentials, but she totally fits the part. If Margo has a severe sort of beauty, Myka has an equally severe sense of fashion and glamour. Everything, from the clothes to the makeup to the air, is just to pointy and prickly! Like a dried rose that's been dipped in resin.

I'd also like to ask my fellow glam associates what, if anything, is happening with her hair here. Did she have a dye job gone wrong? Did she use a product that shows up poorly on camera? I was bewildered at what seemed to be, at first glance, a drastically receding hairline.

This is not to shame Myka! I was as entranced as I was bewildered. Like her cast mates, she's equally obsessed with a dramatic lip look and bold jewelry choices, which doesn't help my inability at the present moment to tell them apart very well.

And here we have another dramatic lip! Lottie is married to a fashion designer she is in business with, who's designed most recently, and notably, for Sabrina Carpenter. She loves his flamboyance, and he loves twirling his extremely long mustache. Believe me when I tell you — they are the only love on this earth I believe in. Genuinely, I root for them in ways I've never rooted for any other marriage previously.

This structured jacket is a wow moment, and really lends her an air of credibility as a suave British fashion maven. While the glam is understated, it has just enough edge to sell me on the posh-punk fantasy her and that old-timey railroad villain are pushing. Again, not a diss! I too want to dress like I've just tied a woman up to some train tracks.

I could barely pay attention to this scene, what with all the jewelry clacking about and the bold prints confusing my eyes. That said, don't you want to be sat up behind these ladies on the high street, wondering what has got them in such a tizzy? (And did you hear it right that their friend is a madame?)

Emma Thynn, Marchioness of Bath

Emma is the first woman of color to marry into the British aristocracy. She's the highest ranking member of the group, as such, and owns what is essentially a zoo, which she runs with her husband, the Marquess of Bath. She is, at best, a minor player on the show, at least for now. Considering her status, she's completely unwilling to give of herself, or play the sorts of games her castmates have already busied themselves with — trauma dumping, accusing each other of being madams, drinking too much.

That said, this yellow is a lovely color, and her smile is brilliant. See you next time, Miss Marchioness!

Missé Beqiri

Missé is a Real Housewives veteran, having previously starred on the dismal The Real Housewives of Cheshire. I've caught a few seasons on Hayu — and wish I hadn't! She led the charge against the supposed madame, being more concerned with her being a shit-talker than the allegations her cast mates her running around with. While not totally memorable, not yet at least, I will remember this top for some time! I mean, who wears an asymmetrical tummy top in the confessional booth? I admire her beauty and bravery!

Mark-Francis Vandelli

At last we arrive at former Made in Chelsea villainess Mark-Francis. I'm well acquainted with his haughtiness from the short lived, riotous Mark-Francis' Big Night Out. Here on Ladies of London, he's our be-suited narrator and comic relief. It's about time these shows cast a gay guy as one of the women, and they couldn't have made a smarter choice than ol' Marky. That said, his sense of style hasn't evolved much in the last decade, and hope that coming confessional booths gives me more to talk about.

Images courtesy of Bravo/NBC Universal