So Chic, Very Chic: Folsom Street Barbie

There is an alternate universe where the Real Housewives of San Francisco went to Folsom Street Fair. It will likely never happen now, what with the city being seemingly impossible to cast for Bravo. It makes sense too, the city’s elite are notoriously secretive, usually hidden behind huge manses in the Presidio or Sea Cliff. With all that venture capital money flying about, they’re not like the desperate, churning mass of fake Balenciaga and spray tans down the coast. The city is also under siege by right-wing forces seeking to whitewash the streets and paper over any semblance of artistic spirit it still has. The whole thing makes for a tough sell, but a girl can wish, right?

But what I’m primarily concerned with are the cast trips and outings. In my hypothetical scenario, they’ve cast a lesbian with a hot girlfriend, like over on The Real Housewives of New York, where one newcomer entered on a motorcycle. (She’s even in a biker gang, believe it or not!) This imaginary Real Housewives star and her girlfriend have two yorkies they treat like children, two kids from a previous marriage and a spare casita in the back, where the oldest stays while home on gap year from UCLA. Cameras are up on the new show, and she’s talking about plans for the summer with another castmate, the wife of a startup entrepreneur who specializes in biomedicine technologies in developing economic sectors.

Of course this is all imaginary, but wouldn’t that be chic? We’ve had Vanderpump Rules Pride parties, Summer House used to pop up at New York City Pride. I’m pretty sure Lisa Vanderpump has sat on more floats than anyone, and Ashley Darby dragged everyone to Virginia for the saddest Pride party I’ve ever seen, let alone broadcast on television. Why not Folsom Street Fair?

Mostly, the fair is on my mind because my friend’s all went without me, and also because the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City wore leather themed outfits to a motorcycle museum on this week’s episode. Didn’t think I could drive that particular diatribe into the auto-shop, huh?

The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City

The Cast of RHOSLC

Look at our gorgeous, leather-clad ladies of Harley! I’d like to start with Britani and Whitney. They have my favorite outfits of the bunch, as their rockabilly sensibilities and heavy smokey eyes make them believable biker chicks. I quite like Britani’s jacket especially, the aviators adding to the overall aura of a woman who knows her way around a bar that keeps bottle caps on the wall as decor. As for Whitney, her makeup is bad, but that’s sort of the point when one is an actual road hog. If you don’t shellac it on, it might fly off when you hit cruising speed on the open road. I mean, don’t they look like extra’s in Lana Del Rey’s “Ride” music video?

As for rest, they look less like women who’d ride a motorcycle and more like women at a costume party hosted by their friend who rides motorcycles. This also makes them the chicest, save my queen Angie, whose diamond choker is, simply put, a crime against her and myself and the fine jewelry industry. 2016 was so long ago! We’ve moved past the need for the Instagram baddie diamond choker, and I say this as a woman who used to have photos in mine plastered over the IG grid.

Bronwyn also deserves some props this week, as her off-the-shoulder leather jacket with the exposed strap and chunky earring is extremely cunt. Like, runway-ready cunt, and I say this having just turned my nose up at her whole aura last week!

The Real Housewives of Potomac

Karen Huger

The DUI recipient has really turned the party with her confessionals this season. The little pussycat cut with the sculptural dress in this royal blue is exactly right, even if we’ve seen this effect elsewhere on The Real Housewives. The Grande Dame has shown up to enforce her rule with a fist less-than-iron fist, what with all the alcohol in her system. Also, and I say this with full sincerity, but her mug is utterly stamped. That cut crease with the prominent beauty mark and feathered lashes? Ok, Kevyn Aucoin!

Wendy Osefo

What’s up with Wendy’s stylist these days? They’re far more adventurous with her look than when we were first introduced to the former professor. Keyword former, as the Real Housewives have fully gotten their claws into this collegiate professional, tearing her down from the vaunted American academic institution into the coliseum of reality television, herself admitting on camera she’s done with the academic life. Better to wear cerulean gloves on national television while talking shit about Gizelle Bryant, I say!

She also wore a massive feather bolero to lunch with Gizelle, and even did her makeup in front of her, to show how unbothered she is. Pro-tip: Wearing feathers and powdering your nose in front of your enemy actually shows just how bothered you are, in my humble opinion. Still, this outfit is goofy enough to have produced a hearty chuckle when she strolled in with yet another Christian Dior tote.

Keiarna Stewart

Keiarna secured a champagne flute for her second season. Congratulations, diva! Longtime readers will remember I enjoyed her temporary onscreen appearance, and now she’s back with roses on her breasts and flowers in her hair. Literally, she got her flowers! I was about to drill her for having already seen this look before on Larsa Pippen over at The Real Housewives of Miami, but you know what? Keiarna wore it better, and her soft mug and bright smile both joined forces to help me forget all about that feet pic entrepreneur.

This second look is a bit tougher. She’s dressed like a minor villainess on Desperate Housewives, someone who’d be in the telenovela always playing on TV throughout Ugly Betty. Maybe she's in a Black Mirror episode about a robot housewife, or something they’d put on the cast of a Freeform original adaptation of Valley of the Dolls.

Ashley Darby

When they make serving illegal, this is the outfit I’m getting booked in. I don’t know what it is about ol’ Ashley Darby, but she really makes me laugh, season in and season out. Look at her massive breasts, barely contained by the delicate little wire in this dress! And it has matching gloves? And she has blue eyeshadow? And she has a fierce little bob with pageant drag earrings? What’s not to love about Potomac’s resident vixen, single and ready to mingle!

The Real Housewives of New York

Jessel Taank and Jenna Lyons

It was a slower week on RHONY. The ladies were in the Hamptons, milling about in pajamas and athleisure, except for one dinner out at a fancy restaurant. Most of the outfits were shockingly predictable, but I would like to give kudos to Jenna Lyons for her sparkle bra and chic cardigan! She also popped out in diamonds and a little pendant, bronzed to the gods, looking both fabulously rich and overwhelmingly sexy. Jessel, meanwhile, showed up in Alberta Ferretti “couture”. She looks glamorous and luxe, and the dress fits her impeccably. Even the mustard green blazer draped around her shoulders can be forgiven in the face of an actually good mesh dress! (Sorry, Erin.)

Photos courtesy of Bravo/NBCUniversal