So Chic, Very Chic: Shades of Red

In times of all-consuming strife and great tragedy, in the years they earmark in history books, it’s said that heroes will arise around which nations unite. Hero, here, is the operative word, denoting neither moral standing or innate virtuosity. They’re more like canvases onto which the psyche of culture is painted in both minute and broad strokes, avatars through which a sense of collective will is channeled. It is said, because I just said it. These days, those heroes are the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City.

Against seemingly all odds, the women of this cast triumphed over adversaries like declining Bravo viewership, overly produced drama, Mary Cosby’s cult, Jen Shah’s war against the federal government and also the elderly, Heather Gay’s atrocious fashion sensibilities and most importantly, the dread fiend known as Monica Garcia. The woman was, by all accounts, a demon sprung forth from the darkest fears of women whose only ambition in life was to sit on the reunion couches with Andy Cohen, dressed in shades of red — the red of their political leanings, the red of the hell their Mormon faith promises to save them from, the red of the blood of their enemies.

All around me, shades of red color my vision. On the news, in the little vial of blood the phlebotomist just drew from me for what might be my last government funded HIV screening and mandatory PrEP testing. I wish I had more elegant ways to land this clunky metaphor, but even I am sitting collapsed in my office chair, also red, while the afternoon sun turns to pink, then orange, then crimson outside.

Red, red, red and more red. It’s going to be a long four years, and an even longer century, isn’t it? At least The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City three part reunion will kill at least three weeks of it.

The Cast of The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City

I’d like to start off with a compliment. Despite everything, this is the most well dressed this cast has ever been, universally. Each and every one of them did the impossible. Granted, amongst this group, that is a generally low bar, but props are deserved. And so props are given.

It’s interesting to note rumors that Britani Bateman showed up in Angie K’s dress and had to scramble at the last minute for a change of costume. Firstly, because I cannot imagine the woman having the taste level to pull it off elegantly, but also because it would have totally ruined the scheming of these colors. Angie and Lisa, the frontrunners this season, came in purple, the color of royalty, while everyone else donned red. It provides an interesting visual language not often seen at these reunions, sans when the cast of The Real Housewives of Miami all wore coordinated costumes last year.

Angie Katsanevas

Mother! Everybody with me now! Mother! Mother! Mother! From “benchwarming bitch” to center snowflake and right hand to Andy Cohen, Angie here is proof of the indomitable spirit of Greek women, hairdressers and also mothers to daughters and wives to buff, hot husbands. Unlike a good majority of the cast, who opted out of proper designer clothing, Angie here popped up in Oscar de la Renta. True to the brand’s signature designs, the dress is voluminous and purple like a flower in bloom. Fitting, as the woman herself has blossomed this season.

While I think the framing of her side part should have been flipped, to not hide her face in her close-ups, I love how elegant she reads on camera. The bust is fitted perfectly and the interesting choker necklace is a shape we don’t see often amongst the Housewives. Now, I’d also like her to lay off the spray tan nozzle, but who am I to give this woman advice about anything? By the looks of it, she’s got everything figured out, and it’s us who should be taking notes.

Lisa Barlow

As one can see in the wide shots, this Hervé Léger dress is probably the chicest this woman has ever looked. She normally leans tacky, at least to me, but I love the draping of the bust and shoulder with the fringe traveling up to her waist. It’s an interesting effect, especially with Hervé Léger’s signature silhouette snatching in that waist.

If I were to give her any notes, it’s that she should invest in jewelry that isn’t tacky statement pieces to prove her wealth. And her spray tan makes her skin look blotchy under professional lighting. She should go a cooler tone next time to match her skin’s natural undertones.

Heather Gay

Heather and her new chompers also made a bold showing at the reunion. While my eyes immediately zoomed in on her visible bra line, I think it’s her best look yet. High praise, considering the 18 weeks I’ve spent tarnishing her sartorial reputation. Brava to Maria Lucia Hohan, the designer. My advice for next time, though, is to shop for something that doesn’t have a visible seam at the waist, where the direction of the fabrics are in opposition to each other. It’s totally fine for daytime, and even couture, but when the clothes are off the rack at the mid-luxury price point, it makes them read like cheap promwear from the mid-to-late 2000s.

That said, I also think these women have a dangerous blindness to their own spray tan habits. Heather’s gone far too warm here, especially with her new dye job and the red of this dress and most importantly, the studio lighting. If she’s going to have ashier roots, her spray tan should at least compliment, not contrast.

Meredith Marks

Would you believe me if I told you that this dress was designed by none other than Brooks Marks? The aspiring fashion kingpin did some rather nice draping for Little Edie here, with the crimson glitter complimenting her rich brunette hair and more sensibly warm spray tan.

As you can see in the below wide shots, I love how the fabric has been gathered at the waist by a prominently displayed, equally crimson jewel. It makes her look like a sorceress in a video game, which is also how she talks sometimes after she’s had a few of those sleeping pills she says she doesn’t take.

Bronwyn Newport

Interestingly, Bronwyn’s dress has made its appearance on fashion’s most important red carpet: The Met Gala. In 2021, Karlie Kloss wore this exact Carolina Herrera couture gown. As Bronwyn said on Instagram, the brand personally pulled it out of the archive just for her. Is this the first instance of Met Gala couture popping up on the Bravo reunion stage? I think it might be!

For all intents and purposes, the dress is perfect, and perfectly goofy. It’s couture, so in any setting other than places in which couture is normally exhibited, it will look goofy. And here, it looks the most goofy it could possibly look, sans a 7-Eleven checkout line, which I don’t think Bronwyn is above by any means. If I sound critical, I am, but Bronwyn herself loves to lean into the goofiness of fashion, whether it’s Moschino’s kitsch or Dolce & Gabbana's maximalist monstrosities. Besides, she looks downright beautiful and has finally figured out the correct lip shape to eye makeup ratio I’ve been harping on all season. Watching oneself back on camera for months on end will do that to a woman, and I’m more than ready to see what new fashions she brings next season.

Whitney Rose and Mary Cosby

Could there be a starker contrast between these Monot and Jean-Louis Sabaji dresses if we collectively tried? I don’t think so. I’m grouping these women together, here at the close, because they are as opposite as opposites can be.

Whitney, bronzed to the hilt, went for tight and right with a flick-y little bob, while Mary leaned into her vibe as a woman of God and leader of a congregation. Whereas Whitney could easily be a real estate agent or maybe the hostess at a Nobu, Mary is dressed as if she’s about to deliver a villainous monologue in a superhero movie about zombie clones on another planet.

I don’t have notes for either, as I think interfering in their convergent senses of style might create a butterfly effect that gets this show cancelled. Lisa and Heather, if you’re reading this, the sentiment does not apply to either of you. Please, god, take my advice like it’s the scripture Mary reads from.

Until next season!

Photos courtesy of Bravo/NBCUniversal