Pornhub Is Here to Save Us All From Beach Boners
Sex & Dating

Pornhub Is Here to Save Us All From Beach Boners

I will admit, when I learned about Pornhub's newest merch, my hands flew to my pearls.

The prolific porn provider and rising social media giant has debuted an item called "The Bonerless Bathing" suit: a pair of swim trunks designed to mask inconvenient pool or beachside erections. They're essentially swim trunks with a spandex inner layer, robust enough to contain even the most powerful boners. Pornhub's promotional materials argue every aspect of the trunks from their "classic look" to the "flared cut" to the "specially selected colors" (hint: black!) help make the trunks the perfect, boner prison/disguise.

To be clear, they're are real and available for $69.95. Alongside the trunks and promotional materials full of an impressive number of snazzy euphemisms for an erection, Pornhub has also released a cute surf-rock jingle, "Beat The Boner Beach Blues," which promises their new product will be horny dweebs' salvation.

I instinctively clutched my pearls because... gross! The company is basically marketing the shorts as a gadget to make creeps' ogling easier. At the end of the "Boner Beach Blues" video, the protagonist calls his buddy to let him know, "The babes are totally out, and get this man! I don't even have a boner. Well, I got one, but they can't see it. It's awesome." Of course, they strategically cast a stringy, pasty nerd (relatable for Pornhub's users), to signal that he's the real the victim of the hot girls who laugh at him and the ostentatious boners he gets from gawking at them (before he acquires his bonerless trunks, and is reborn as a carefree stud).

However, I have bravely decided that Pornhub's invention is a win-win. Every non-straight cis male person has seen an erection they didn't want to. Do the dick-owner's intentions matter if Pornhubs' trunks ultimately minimize non-consensual boner sightings? It's a question we all should be thinking about. The porn provider is typically pretty progressive, so we'll give them the benefit of the doubt, that the bonerless trunks were designed with an inclusive audience in mind.

I also begrudgingly recognize that not all public boners are the result or a symbol of our society's virulent misogyny. People look hot and do sexy stuff on the beach, and sometimes it's a turn-on.

As Pornhub puts it, "Whether it's the swarms of half-naked bods, a warm breeze catching you just the right way, or simply because your little buddy's got a mind of his own; if you start to rise, our patented Bonerless Technology will stop the tide."

Thank you Pornhub, for making the beach a less stressful experience for people of all genitals.

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