How to Advocate for Your Orgasm
Sex & Dating

How to Advocate for Your Orgasm

This article is a sponsored collaboration between LELO and PAPER

If you’re a straight or bisexual woman, you’ve definitely had at least one sexual encounter with a man where you got the short end of the orgasm stick. In fact, studies show that the orgasm gap is actually more of a chasm even with familiar partners, with one report finding that 90 percent of men had an orgasm during their most recent partnered sex session, while only 65% of women could say the same thing. Additionally, a second study reported that over 85 percent of men orgasmed more than 75% of the time while getting it on with a familiar partner, while a fifth of women simultaneously reported never or rarely orgasming about a 25% of the time in the same situation. So what’s the deal?

According to a Volonté post by sexpert Dr. Zhana, there are a number of factors that contribute to the orgasm gap, including the fact that many men and women don’t realize the importance of foreplay and clitoral stimulation, as well as the subsequent need to incorporate toys that take care of this like LELO's Sila Cruise clitoral massager, which uses gentle sonic waves that give women the orgasm they deserve during sex. However, another big issue though is women’s hesitancy to assert their sexual needs, especially given an internalized belief that male orgasms must be prioritized. So with this in mind, how can you stop faking it and start advocating for your orgasm in the bedroom? Well, it’s actually pretty simple.

Amongst the men we spoke to, all of them started off by saying communication is key and that a woman shouldn’t be afraid to make her needs clear. Otherwise, as one man named Tom said, a lot of guys will just “jackhammer for 45 minutes and think you came.”

“A lot of guys assume that their experience is universal, so say something immediately,” Tom explained. “It's very likely your male partner will not know how to properly stimulate your clitoris.”

Tom then went on to encourage women to “put themselves first” and stop thinking of themselves as “selfish” when using their voice, adding that if you’re worried about deflating a man’s ego (and/or their erection) by whipping out a toy like the Sila Cruise clitoral massager, you can always ask them to take charge by handing it over “can you give me a hand with this massager” before the act or “can you help me cool down” post-coitus.

“And the ones who are the most fragile about it are normally the worst ones,” he laughed.

Even so, a man named Max said that he thinks “most people want to please their partners, even if it’s just going to be a one-night stand,” arguing that “from an ego perspective, most men want to know that they did a good job.”

“All men have a secret praise kink,” he said, while recommending being “upfront but gentle about how you want to be treated.”

“Just give helpful suggestions like, ‘Hey, I’m really into this,’ or ‘do this to me’ or ‘I really enjoy this position.’ Or during foreplay, you can also ask a guy what their fantasies are, and maybe it’ll align with your own fantasies,” Max continued. “Be open about what you want done to you in the bedroom.”

Granted, Max also suggested discussing these topics during foreplay but “couching it with playful banter,” since making it feel like you’re “barking instructions” can ruin the mood and make a guy “think they’re doing a bad job.”

“Gently guide them in a sexy, playful way, because nothing’s more awkward than clinical conversation. It’s like sitting down with a notepad and being like, ‘Here are the expectations for our quarterly report,’” he said. “So while you’re making out, do something like whisper what you want in their ear.”

Max added, “People are very reciprocal. So if you start to rough it up a little bit or slow down, the other person will generally [follow your lead].” And this was something Tom agreed with, saying that pre-penetration is the optimal time to have any “discussion” before advising women to “take the lead” by prioritizing foreplay, which is when a woman really gets revved up.

“And make sure if you’re giving oral or something that you encourage them to do the same,” he continued. “Don’t be afraid to ask a guy to reciprocate.”

Not only that, but Max added that foreplay is also one of the better times to introduce a toy into the mix, given that it’s a moment where you’re both “working your way up to stuff.”

“Timing is everything,” he said, while explaining that he once had a woman at that stage say she had “‘something that’s going to help us out,” before pulling out a vibrator.

“And I was like, ‘Oh, cool. I've never done this,’” he recalled, saying he honestly felt like the “momentum would be thrown off” if she had brought it out mid-intercourse.

“But during foreplay, you guys are already in the heat of the moment,” Max said. “So that’s a good place to lay the groundwork.”

So moral of the story? Don’t be shy about what you need, especially if you know you need a stimulator like the Sila Cruise clitoral massager to have a good time, because chances are, he’ll be more than happy to satisfy you.

Check out LELO's Sila Cruise clitoral massager here.

Photos courtesy of LELO